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Adventures with Coworkers

I came up with nicknames for most of my coworkers, though I never shared those nicknames with any of my coworkers. Major Mouth was one of those coworkers who talked all the time and you couldn’t believe a word that came out of her mouth. She was either a drug addict, a former drug addict or a drug addict wannabe because most of the time I spent working with her involved her joking about all the drugs she had done. Or bragging how she could beat people up. She was a real winner. And a teenage Mom, too.

This is an actual conversation we had:

Mouth: Are you German?
Me: I'm mostly Polish, actually.
Mouth: What's that?
Me: ...Well, you know Poland?
Mouth: No. I've only ever heard of German and Irish.

Later that same day, a customer came to the counter and asked for an item from my coworker. All I heard was “sour cream” and I knew what the customer was asking for. Mouth turned to me and asked me, “What is sauerkraut?” I replied, “No, I think she said sour cream, not sauerkraut.” Mouth pointed to the pork barbeque and asked, “Is that it?” I signed and said, “No, she’s asking for the sour cream potato salad.”


Later still, I told her I was going to the front of the store to buy a drink, and I asked if she wanted anything. She thought for a moment, and then said, “Yeah, meth.” Another sigh, and I said, “I don’t think we carry that.” She laughed like that was the funniest thing she’d heard in her life.

She called me “girlie” all the time, even though I was at least ten years older. The managers would come to me and complain that she was hiding in the back storeroom texting on her cell phone instead of working. The manager complained to me about her. Maybe he’s afraid of her, too.

When she and her son went to the beach and got sunburns, I had to explain to her how you can treat a sunburn. That day, I watched as she complained to a cancer patient how much agony she was in because of her sunburned skin. Seriously.

Space Cadet was another real winner. He wasn’t the brightest bulb in the pack, and he often made mistakes which, in any other place, would get him fired. For some reason, they kept him around, though. He used to play with merchandise (by talking to it) and coworkers had fun picking on him, though I always felt kind of sorry for him, but I kind of liked working with him. He did anything I asked of him. One of those types that is willing to work, as long as you point him in the right direction.

At one point, I was concerned that Space Cadet had started doing drugs. He always acted a little funny, but I started hearing rumors, and then one night he kept asking me if his eyes looked bloodshot. He seemed pretty paranoid, too. He told me that if a manager asked why his eyes were bloodshot, that I should tell them he had been swimming. I asked if that was the truth (it matters to me), and he laughed, paused and said, “Yes.” I don’t it was the truth.


He ended up leaving our store because he tried to rob a gas station and accidentally left his ID at the store. I often wonder what he’s up to these days and if he wound up in prison or perhaps a mental ward.



This was the newspaper article on his robbery attempt:


SOUTH TAMAQUA — West Penn Township police have issued an arrest warrant for a 23-year-old man who tried to hold up Fegley’s Store on Route 309 on Sunday morning.
Patrolman Melissa Johnson said John -------- was identified after he left his driver’s license on the counter of the store during the 7 a.m. incident.

--------- entered the store, put his license on the counter and asked the clerk for a pack of cigarettes. After being told how much the cigarettes were, Johnson said the man pulled a knife and said “give me the money.”

The clerk told ---------- that she could not open the register without making a sale and --------- said “forget it” and exited the store, leaving his identification behind.

Johnson said ----------'s identification indicates he is from the Danville, but it is believed he no longer lives there.

Anyone with information on the man’s whereabouts is asked to call West Penn Township police at 386-1100.

Sergeant Mom was the boss, or so she thought. She had no authority over anyone, but she loved bossing everyone around. She’d make condescending lists for the other shifts to have to complete, and she spoke about everyone behind their backs, mostly complaining about how lazy they were. Funny thing, I don’t remember Sergeant Mom doing a whole lot of work herself. I called her Sgt “Mom” because she seemed like that motherly type that takes control and doles out responsibility. I liked her at first, until she started taking advantage of me and treating me like she treated everyone else.

Cranky Sue was, well, cranky. I could dedicate a whole chapter to her. In fact, I already did! If you ever find yourself working with or for someone with some kind of chronic pain disorder, I have one word for you – Run.

Captain America was a good guy, but easily misled. He had a lot to learn about the world, and he threw it all away by joining the Army at a young age. We got along great, though, because we had a lot in common, like video games and movies. I talked to him more than most coworkers, though he got on my nerves when he’d show up late for work or would slack on his responsibilities. Everyone liked him, though. Except for Sgt Mom who really hated everyone, including herself, I suspect.

I often wonder if I had a nickname.