working title

Stress

Being unemployed is a huge stress. Not only because working people think you’re sitting around doing nothing and collecting checks from unemployment, but also because the whole process of job searching is stressful beyond belief, at least it is to me.

Because of that first reason, I feel like I can’t take a day off. I can’t go shopping or hang out with friends or go out and have fun. Why? Because I don’t have a job. I can’t afford to take a day off from searching for a job. What will it look like to the people who have jobs? It’ll look like I’m lazy and not really trying to find a job. At least, that’s what it feels like. Working people usually get two days off per week, but I can’t get a single day off.

Stress affects me physically and mentally. I start having nightmares that I’m working in previous jobs again. The nightmares aren’t that I’ve never left the previous places of employment, but that I agreed to go back, which is far worse. I have a feeling of failure and defeat, that “I let them win” by talking me into coming back to a place that treated me horribly feeling. I only have nightmares like this about the worst places I worked, and they can ruin my whole day after I wake up.

I have chronic heart burn from worrying and stressing. It goes away when I get a job, but comes right back when I’m unemployed again. I can’t eat anything spicy or greasy, so you’d think I would lose weight, but I don’t. I’m an emotional eater, so I have trouble not eating everything in sight all day long. When I get a rejection letter / email / phone call, I go straight to the ice cream or potato chips or candy. I go to my comfort foods for support until my husband gets home from his job (and he’s usually had a bad day himself at the job he hates, so it’s not like I get a lot of comfort there, not that I’m blaming him). Maybe it’s all the bad food that’s giving me heart burn.

I have increased panic and anxiety. I’ve dealt with this for years, and it comes and goes. It seems to come on more when I’m unemployed because of the uncertainty and the feeling that I’m not in control of my life. I start questioning everything. It seems like such a guessing game or a game of chance. If I happen to be in the right place at the right time, I could hear about the perfect job. Or what if I forget to buy a newspaper and miss the ad for the job I was meant to have, that perfect one that will bring me happiness and fulfillment. What if I made an error in an email I sent to someone and it caused them to not even look at my resume? What if there’s something wrong with my resume and that’s what causes me not to be called for interviews? If I start playing the “What If” game, it seems like it never ends. There are just too many variables that are out of my control, and if I think about it too long or too hard, I start to panic.

I have to concentrate on taking each moment, each hour, each day, just as it comes. I can’t think too much about the bigger picture, or I feel like I’ll get swallowed up by the fear of the unknown. All I know is that I desperately need a job, and I’m a very hard worker, so why won’t anyone hire me?

I’ve recently discovered that my hair has started falling out. I thought it was because I was growing my hair longer. My hair seems to start coming out as it gets longer, maybe because of the weight of it? So I got my hair cut shorter, and it’s still falling out. I run my hand through my hair and come away with about 5 strands of hair. That happens every single time I run my hand through my hair. Is that normal? Am I being a hyper-aware hypochondriac? I start noticing little things and making big deals out of them. Like the other day, I noticed I have more freckles on my face than I remember having in the past. Does that mean there’s something wrong with me? Maybe I did have them in the past, but I just didn’t notice. I did spend more time out in the sun this Summer, so maybe it’s just from that. Or maybe it’s just me getting older and getting more freckles.

I become overwhelmed by everything and that makes me want to give up or just give in and get a menial, minimum-wage job. A relative recently told me that a shoe store at the mall might hire me. Should I apply? What if they can only give me about ten hours a week? Should I then get a second job? A third? When would it be enough? I’d be working constantly and still not making much money.

Thank goodness I still have health insurance from my husband’s employer, so I can get these medical issues checked out when I start getting too worried about them. I think my doctor is starting to think I’m a hypochondriac. How can I explain that it’s just because I’m unemployed?