Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about saving humanity one beer at a time.

THE PROMPT: "If you could have one super power to help save the world what would it be? Now, the proviso is it has to be a silly super power and your mileage may vary on the facet of the world you are saving."

Good evening friends...it's time for the "Fun Friday" prompt, and this can get ridiculous pretty quick. This prompt is a lot tougher than it looks...especially since I've just looked at it now for the first time and haven't given myself the benefit of mulling it over for the course of the day.

So let's see...I'm saving the world. But what facet of the world? Can it be like a video game? I'd need a nemesis. So many questions to answer before I can even get to a prompt. OK, I think I can do this.

Where I come from, it's a relatively quiet farm town. One of those sleepy little towns that's sorta centered around one long-standing factory/service, and most either work there or farm, while the rest commute an hour or more to make an honest buck. Only in my little town, the main industry happens to be the brewin' of beer. Excellent choice of an occupation, if I may say so myself.

And with all of the greenspace in the area, giant corporations are tryin' ta rush in an' snap up land an' ruin our town's way of life with big buildin's, fancy cars, loose women and Starbucks everywhere. The townfolk are gettin' worried...prices are goin' up, land is diminishin', an' the whores are havin' illegitimate children. This is where I come in.

I'm the mayor 'round here. But it's a low-payin' position 'cuz of our population. So I'm also a fireman, a judge, an' once in awhile I cut hair on the side. But really, I'm just a foreman at the brewery, Custerfluck Lager, where the ol' advertisin' jingle went: "Don't just have a drink...Make it a Custerfluck!"

One day I was on my lunch break an' I went over to the crick to catch me some dinner. Maw an' the little girls love it when I come home with a few freshly gutted trout to fry up. So there I was, mindin' my business, when I felt a large tug on my pole. I gave 'er a few good yanks, an' then what seemed like an explosion on the surface of the water happened. 'Bout ten feet behind me, I heard a thud, an' a groan. Then a voice said, "Hey man, WTF??"

I looked back, and lordy me on my Gran-poppy's grave. It was the largest trout I'd ever seen! Oh yeah, the sumbitch could talk too. So I said, "Oh my gawd! Son, you're one big talkin' fish!" An' he said, "Yeah, now get this damn hook outta my lip. I gotta tell ya somethin', and ya ain't gonna like it." "What's your name, big talkin' fish?" I asked 'em. "THE HOOK!!" he shouted, an' I was like, "Duh!"

"Now set me back in the water," he went on, "and listen to me. Listen real good." With my feet up on the banks, he said, "There's a problem. Down the stream, there's a new company called Totagoodnime. They started as a local brewery based upstate, and were bought out by The BigRichGuys.com distributors, who intend to make their beer sell nationwide."

I was shocked! "Get outta here, Mr. Hook!" I said to that big talkin' fish. "But Custerfluck is this town! It's our beer! We can't have no competition 'round here!" The fish shot up out of the water and got eye-level with me. He hovered, and spit a little when he snapped, "Look! It's not about competition. Their beer's tasty, sure. But the way they're makin' it, well, it's dumpin' toxic chemicals into this here crick."

"No way!" Hook looked at me and said, "Damn, fool. You've been talkin' to a fish for five minutes now. You tell me what ain't right!" I was all like, "Duh!" and asked him what I should do. He was like, "You need to catch three fish out of this spot. Not one. Not two. Not more. Three will be sufficient. You need to gut them. Fry them, but don't overcook them." He was very specific and demandin' for a big talkin' fish. I was a lil' intimidated by the 'em. "So then what happens?" He had me sucked in now.

"Due to the chemical hazards in this water, you'll achieve a superhero-like power. We haven't figured out what it is yet; it's too new." I was lookin' at 'em in awe. He cautioned, "But let no one else eat these fish. There are too many unknowns still in this water."

"But why me, Mr. Hook?" I was curious and all; I was only killin' time on my break. "You've been chosen because of your fishing acumen, your brewery connections, and your blood alcohol content is consistently just under .05 on a daily basis." I still didn't understand him, but I nodded and said, "Cool. Thanks!"

"One more thing,..." he added. "The fish you catch must have a red stripe along its fins." I gave him the thumbs up, and away he swam.

Nervous an' excited, I ran back into the brewery to tell my boss my findings. He chuckled an' told me to get back to work. I told him I couldn't...there'd, uhhh, been an emergency, uhhh, back home. I was gon' need the rest of the day off. Man, his eyes coulda knocked the yella off mah country teeth if I made eye contact with him, but he agreed. I hopped in mah truck an' sped home to tell the missus what was goin' on, an' within twenty minutes mah pole was back in the water.

An' I sat there. An' I sat there. An' then, I done sat me there somemore. I was gettin' a little tired, so I leaned back a lil' an' began to doze. That is, 'til I felt a yank on my pole. I jerked it, an' up shot me one uh 'em red-stripe fishies. I threw it in my cooler an' felt a lil' excited. An' then another. An' ten minutes later, another, only it didn't have that dang red stripe. Saved it anyway though, in case I still had to make some dinner. Caught a few actually, but not a third. After awhile, I set my rod down to stretch my legs. I rolled up my pants a little an' waded in the crick. It felt good...it was hot an' I needed a lil refreshin'.

An' then I saw it, swimmin' right around me. A juicy lil' fishy with a fat red stripe. I didn't even think; I just shot my hand into that water an' snagged 'em with mah bare hand. I threw 'em in mah bucket, an' headed for home.

I did mah deed...fried 'em up real nice, an' boy was they some tasty lil' fishies. After fryin' up the rest for the ladies of the house, I had a few beers an' decided it was time to retire for the evenin'.

Sos I wake up the in the mornin' and grab a Custerfluck...the boss says it's ok to have one or two before your shift an' on lunch, so long as yer not stumblin' around. Plus I didn't feel quite right...maybe it was just' my nerves. I was wondrin' 'bout this "superpower" thang. I tossed the cap on the counter, an' I'll be damned if the sumbitchin' thang didn't jus' bounce off the counter an' onto the floor like always. No. It made a large clangin' sound an' landed square in the trash. Thought it was a lil' weird, but ok. Read mah mornin' paper an' got ready fer work.

I took mah socks off and tossed 'em in the laundry basket, an' the strangest thing happened. The whole damn basket of clothes fell through the floor an' crashed into the basement. "Holy snickerdoodles," I thought to mahself, "this must be it! I never get mah socks in the basket!" The missus came flyin' down from upstairs, more pissed than a wildcat with a broken claw. "You need to fix this!" she screamed, but I said, "Honey, listen...I need to get mah ass movin'...not now, umkay? I got this, uhhh, thang, an' I'm fixin' to harness it so I can take out them bad guys. Custerfluck is the lifeblood of this here town. It's our world! It's all we know! An' I gotsa go an' save it from those Totagoodnime bastards!" She rolled her eyes an' went back to watchin' Jerry Springer.

Well, I hopped in mah truck an' got to the brewery in record fashion. I marched mah ass into mah bosses' office and said, "Look man, this ain't no joke. We gotta take out them bastards at Totagoodnime, an' I gotta plan fer it. We'll teach them a lesson". Mah boss looked at me all screw-faced. He was like, "Boy, yer crazy...get on in there an' run your line before I..." I had to cut him off..."Wait, sir, watch this..." I grabbed me a bottle of Custerfluck from his shelf, popped the cap and knocked 'er back. I said, "I'm fixin' to fling this here cap across the other side of this room. I'mma bounce it off the walls of that there corner, an' it's gonna bounce back an' slice an inch off that daily sales report you're holdin' in your very hand. You watch." I wound up like one of them there ninjas, an' before that man could utter any protestin' words, mah beer cap was doin' its thing, whizzin' around the room 'til it'd shorn off an inch of mah boss' paperwork.

"Oh my lawd!" he exclaimed. "You literally cut right through the costs on this report with that there whippin'! I smell a promotion for you soon!" I smiled and said, "Yup. Jus' like I called it. You in with me on this now?" He didn't flinch when he said, "Yes, son. What I gotta do?" I smiled again and said, "Grab two cases of Custerfluck's Light, and come with me. You drive...an' I'll take them sumbitches down." I tossed him my keys, not realizin' that mah accuracy an' mah strength were mah new "superhero powers" that Mr. Hook spoke of, an' mah boss fell back into his seat with a key stickin' through his hand. As he screamed in obvious pain, mah adrenaline took over. "Not now, ya damn coward! We gotta save this town from them scumbags! Giddy up!" After a quick exhale, mah boss was at my side, luggin' two cases of Custerfluck's Light over to mah truck. He was all like, "Why Custerfluck Light?" an' I said, "Sir, with all due respect, you an' I both know it tastes like watered-down horse piss. If we're gonna bomb them sunsabitches, we're gon' do it wit' the lousy shit." An' he jus' nodded.

We drove down a few miles to Totagoodnime's headquarters. I told mah boss to leave the engine runnin' while I had a few words wit' the guy in charge. I stormed past the receptionist (a fine lookin' lady, I must say, for bein' bucktoothed and a lil' too motherly in the hips) whiles I was carryin' a case of Custerfluck Light an' kicked open the manager's office as if I was Chuck Norris on like a sugar high. He jumped while a scantily-clad lady of the night took cover 'hind him an' crouched down like I wasn't tryin'a see her there. "What can I do for you, country boy?" he asked.

I said, "Now listen here, sir. I'm the mayor of this town." I set my case of Custerfluck Light down carefull, as not to detonate it like them dynamite sticks they been usin' to blow things up an' level the land for them new highrises goin' up all over the place. "This town...it belongs to all the good people here. We're sicka all you people comin' in with yer fancy cars an' your big companies an' your dirty whores. An' we know what yer doin' to our crick. As mayor, I demand you to cease and decist with yer activities. An' I mean it now!" The man got all upright an' corporatey in his voice. He was like, "Now you listen here, hillbilly. I own this land, and pretty soon, I'm going to own this whole town. And you're going to work under me when I take over the brewery that makes that beer you've got with you. Now turn around and leave, before I have you escorted out."

An' I was like, "Naw man, you don't get it. I'll just hafta show you the hard way." An' I opened up a beer and flung the cap above his head. Only it kinda fluttered an' landed gently next to his afternoon entertainment. I was all like, "Man, WTF with these "superpowers", but then it dawned on me...I looked at the beer still in that bottle, an' I chugged it down like a drunken sailor, and then whipped the bottle behind me. It exploded like a grenade thingey, blowin' his office door off its hinges. Quite satisfied, I grabbed another outta that case, chugged it like it was the antidote, an' slung it again just over his head. It took a few hairs off his sculpted, pretty boy hair.

Before he could even realize what just happened, I chucked the empty bottle over his head at the wall behind 'em, and it blew a two foot hole in it. He grabbed his phone to call security, but I whipped at cap at the handset cord, slicing it from the connection. "What is wrong with you?" he asked. "Are you some sort of freak?" I looked him dead in the eye and said, "No sir...I'm jus' savin' mah town from the scumbags like you."

Just then, mah boss staggered in. "Just wanted to check on ya, son", he said, and handed me a blood-covered empty bottle from his case. Fer good measure, I launched that sumbitch into the other corner of the room, blowin' up his pictures on the wall. His kids weren't that cute anyway.

We started to hear commotion, so we high-tailed it outta dodge. "Quick," I told my boss as we hopped back in mah truck, "circle around the building! We gotta end this now!" As we drove down through the parking lots, I crawled through the back window of mah truck an' began a process I like ta call "Open beer, chug it, throw the cap like a ninja star, an' take out the resta what's left with the bottle". We circled that buildin' twice, an' after knockin' back almost two cases of beer, I had one more plan for what was left of the buildin'. There was still one corner of the buildin' still standin'. We had 'bout six beers left. I told mah boss to pull up to that corner an' start doin' some donuts wit' mah truck in the lot. He obliged. I steadied the case of beer in my hands, an' when he got up to a good speed, I waited until we got to the proper angle, and I started uncappin' the beers. I chugged a few, an' at one pass I zingered a few caps. I downed the rest, and by the next pass I gave the case with the rest of the empties a good shove. It took off outta the back of mah truck like I shot it from a gun, son. It hit the bottom corner of that buildin', an' it went up like one of them big mushroom clouds like you see on the tv when they talkin' 'bout nuclear war on the news. An' then we got the hell outta dodge.

Life in town shortly returned back to normal. Mah boss gave me a week's vacation from the brewery to thank me fo' mah efforts in savin' the company from the competition. He got his hand fixed up good, too, though he says he'll neva play the piana like he usedta. He was nevah that good anyway.

The big ol' corporations movin' in took notice too...they started pullin' outta town. Seemed like they didn't want no negative publicity fer tryin' to ruin a small town an' its values. They took their greed, their fancy stuffs, and their whores with them. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.

And me? Well, I used that week off to fish, an' boy I'll tell you what...I caught me some real nice trout that week. Enough to feed my family fer quite awhile. An' on those banks one day, I was greeted by a nice lil' guest. Mr. Hook popped up to thank me. "You did a great and noble thing for your community. We residents of the crick applaud and thank you, Mayor." I was beamin' with pride. "You're welcome, Mr. Hook. And thank you for all that you've done ta help me help everyone else. You're the real hero!"

I noticed the big ol' talkin' fish's voice had been a lil' quieter, and raspy. He nodded his fish face and said, "Now that Totagoodnime is gone, the crick's clearing up. These may be my last words, my friend, so I want to thank you." I was a little worried. "Does this mean the end of my superpowers too, Mr. Hook?"

His fish face dropped. "Yeah, probably. besides, some of my friends are gettin' a little pissed that you're reachin' into the crick and takin' their friends. That's probably going to end as the lake clears." His voice cleared a little and he thanked me one last time. "Oh, one more thing, by the way..." he said. "Anything, Mr. Hook!" I responded, gratefully.

"My name's not Hook," he said. "It's Claude." An' with that, he swam away to the place where chemically tainted fishies become another animal's meal in the crick.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

Whew. Man, that's two hours of my life spent writing that I'll never get back. But if anyone ever decides to flesh it out a little more and make a movie out of it, this song will play in the movie's climactic scene.

VITAL STATS:

Not checking the prompt cuz I was playing manager on the sales floor today instead of taking breaks and checking personal emails on my Blackberry, I was all prepared for a regular "Fun Friday" entry, because today was actually notable. Notable in that, like most companies that sell things, ours sells a lot more items online than we can carry in stores. Or, should I say, more than our stores should carry. It started out with an email my boss got stating that a customer has ordered a $139 vaccuum-powered penis enlarger that will be sent to the store for the customer's pick-up. WHUUUUUTTT? And basically, all our internet at work lets us see is Walgreens.com, but we found the item. And much to our chagrin, we found oh-so-much more. As in over 300 products not sold in stores but are available for online purchasing. And yes, we spent way too much time exploring this today. Jackmatic is now my favorite word of all-time. I'm officially authorizing you to view something other than this page so you can take your time and investigate this link while being left to your own devices. http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/vibrators-and-adult-toys/ID=360605-tier2general...

I can't even take this anymore tonight, folks. Making up a story on a whim of a prompt when I was all set to talk about sex toys has all but sapped my energy. I must eat something and shower and catch up on you fine-ass people. Peace, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!