The Ragnarok Trials

Day Sixteen: Little Lion Man

Day Sixteen
         Little Lion Man
Focus Word: Disappointment
Word Count: 1900

I sat alone in my room, unmoving, unblinking, staring at the same spot on the floor as I had been for six hours.

It was too cold, Gabriel's silent anger chilling the entire building no doubt, but I made no move to warm myself, relishing instead the pain of my freezing fingers. I hadn't eaten in almost twelve hours, since Hermes had made grilled cheese and poured a bag of Doritos into a bowl, and my stomach was seizing painfully, causing me to nearly retch every time my thoughts turned to food. My position on the bed, leaned over with my arms against my thighs, was due almost entirely to it being the most efficacious in dulling the pain.

Through the closed door of my bedroom, I could feel the anger radiating in waves from my beloved Gabriel. My heart leapt in my chest, lurching in the most agonizing fashion whenever I thought of how he must feel. I was not worried overmuch for myself--my fate was sealed--but to know that I had so demoralized my best friend, whom was actually more than just a friend to me, tore at my soul, renting it in two. I was not sure it would ever heal. But considering that I would be dead by the end of the day, I guess that didn't really matter.

I couldn't figure out where I'd gone wrong. What had Ares and Freya done to so convince everyone that I was guilty? I'd actually discounted Ares as a possibility on Athena's word. Was Athena behind this? Had she lured me into a sense of false security, only to further push me toward the brink and over the edge of their plans? Were they even now carousing together, celebrating their victory over me and over justice? That they'd managed to convince even the Angels of my guilt, thus earning acquittal, proving their superiority over our ascended masters.

I was just collateral to them. No matter that they'd destroyed my life.

There was a time that I would have vowed vengeance. I would have gone down swinging, taking as many of them with me as I went. It was a mark of how far I'd fallen (or, I suppose, how high I'd risen) that I really didn't care about getting back at them. Taking them down with me wouldn't earn Gabriel's respect, or Michael's reprieve. It wouldn't make them believe in my innocence. And that was all I wanted.

It was some time later that I sensed that someone else was in the room with me. There was no pain, so whomever had joined me must have come in through the front door. That surprised me. Even when lost in thought, I was usually pretty aware of everything around me. It was hard to surprise me, actually, which was what made the blindsiding betrayal all the more surprising. Maybe I was losing it. Maybe the more human I became, the more I lost what had made me a god.

Maybe it was my own feelings, the lessons I had learned, the changes I had so yearned for, had done it in for me. My own humanity had gotten me killed.

"Loki, do please cease your self-pitying session. I've come to speak to you." It wasn't surprising that the Allfather would be allowed to visit, nor that he would want to. What did surprise me was the calm sympathy I heard in his voice. I'd expected him to come and gloat, but I hadn't expected any sort of empathy. After all, I'd, as far as everyone knew, killed his son for the second time. Worse, I'd convinced him that I was innocent of the crime and even asked for his help to solve it.

"Of course you have," I choked out, half laugh and half sob. "Gabriel let you in to beat me up a little before the trial, hunh?"

Odin raised an eyebrow. "The Angel out front? He was very clear I was not to lay a finger on you. I am to speak to you and nothing else. Apparently, you are a prisoner of the Angels, which entitles you to safety or some such nonsense. No one but Michael is allowed to pass judgement upon you, according to the rules of Angel-dom. Now, are you going to let me talk, or are you just going to sit there and pity yourself?"

"I really fucked it up this time, Odin. I don't even know what happened. One second, I was on the verge of solving this case, and now...now I'm sitting in a room, waiting for the kiss of a sword on my neck." I shrugged. "So, since there's nothing I can do about it, I suppose there's nothing I can do about you threatening to piss on my corpse when Michael's done chopping my head off."

Odin laughed, and it was a cruel thing to hear. "Go on, weep for yourself, my man. You think of yourself as a lion among us, a king among the lepers because you've got the support of Angels. But it turns out you're no better than the rest of us, and just as prone to the machinations of our kind as you ever were. You might be smart, Loki--probably one of the smartest--but you're just like the rest of us, in the end. So, you know, go on and weep, little lion man." The Allfather settled himself on the only other chair in the room, his bulk almost too big for the rickety wooden legs to handle. "Why don't you at least butch up and face this like a man? Take all the courage you have left, that you wasted fixing problems you created in your own head, and meet your end with strength."

I shrugged. "You think I pity myself, Odin. I pity no one. My death is inevitable, anyway. I sorrow that the people I've learned to care for could believe that I was behind this at all."

"You really believe that you're being framed for this, don't you?" Odin shook his head. "You're not trying to figure out how they got you because you've been hiding the truth...you're trying to figure out how they framed you, aren't you? It wasn't your fault at all, was it? It was your heart on the line all along, wasn't it?"

Fixing my gaze to Odin's one remaining eye, I nodded. "I am innocent, Odin. But as there's no way to prove that to anyone, I'm going to die at the end of the day."

"What, you're not going to try anything? Oh, come on. You're just going to tremble, little lion man? You know you've seen this all before. If you just sit here, you'll never settle any of your scores. You'd let yourself die? Let your enemies win? All because yon Angel is angry with you? What fucking happened to the Loki I knew? The one who'd bring the whole world crashing down if it meant the feeling of power tingling beneath his skin? Who'd be just as likely to turn against his friend as aid his worst enemy, because the universe demanded it of him? Does the universe demand of you now?"

I shrugged. "Nothing. I am making this decision of my own free will. If the people I love and whom I thought loved me could be so easily turned, so willing to believe the worst of me, perhaps there is nothing on this planet for me. Those I love and trust inevitably turn against me. I admit that I am tired of living through this year after year."

Odin rolled his eyes. "You were never good at handling disappointment, Loki. You always feel as though people have betrayed you, as if no one understands the complexity of your soul. We get it, Loki. You are chaos, something unfathomable to most of us to those of us whose core being is bound to order, and it's unfair to judge you based on our limited understanding of the world. By all that is holy, Loki, shit happens. People think of themselves, and judge people based on whether those people are beneficial to them in some way. Just because you're free of that bit of egoism doesn't mean you are free of faults."

"I understand fine why people are framing me. I am not well liked. What I do not understand is why people are always so willing to believe that I am a bad guy."

"Because you do bad things, you moron!" Odin thundered. "You can't expect people to formulate a completely different set of rules just for you! Sometimes, you have to do things knowing that you'll be judged by a code that doesn't quite fit you. By Mjolnir, the Old Gods live with that every day! You think you're so much better than us, but you suffer from the same delusions! Freya and her damnable group of crazies are unwilling to accept that we are judged by a set of rules that don't pertain to us. Ascendency comes with its own perks, as does being in the majority."

"You are right, Odin." I stood, wincing at the pain in my stomach. "There is, however, nothing that I can do about it now. I cannot leave my apartment, and the deadline is precisely five hours from now. I know who did it, but I can't prove it. I mean, I can prove who didn't do it, mostly...but whatever has happened, everyone believes it's me."

"Then you can at least meet your death like a man. Like the blood brother of the Allfather, instead of a sniveling child." Odin stood and headed for the door. "I still believe you are innocent, Loki. Likely, there are others out there just like me. Just as likely is the fact that Gabriel has been listening to this entire conversation and knows that there are those who believe in your innocence. He is hurting, Lie-smith. It hurts a lot to believe that someone you are fond of has betrayed you. And that hurt turns most easily to cold anger. I know that from experience. But that does not mitigate that he loves you as I loved you. You have allies. Do not give up until the moment that sword swings and all goes dark. You hear me?"

I nodded, struck almost dumb that Odin was supporting me. Well, that was most certainly new. "Yeah," I replied, eventually. "I hear you."

"And, for what it's worth, Loki, I will ensure that you receive a proper pyre should everything end badly. It matters naught, though, if things end up working for the best. You are Aesir by choice, if not by blood, and things tend to work out for our kind. Probably because we ensure it. Keep that in mind, Lie-smith. You are my blood brother, and things work out for our kind."

With that, he was gone, and I was alone once more to wait for my inevitable death. Though, truth be told, I wasn't sure it was so inevitable anymore. I had no idea what I was going to do about it, but I wasn't going to spend the last few hours I had biting my own neck.

I was going to convince Gabriel I was innocent, and from there save my life. And I had only five hours in which to do it.