On My Happy Cloud

Centered

I started another subscription of the Shambhala Sun magazine and the first issue came a few days ago. The feeling of seeing was the same as it's always been. So calming! Reading and studying things about Buddhism is like a salve to me. It heals me. I know, as far as what Buddhism is about, that makes no sense. But I appreciate it all the same.

I may not have been Buddhist my whole life but I do know that Buddhism has always been for me. It makes sense when I read about it and how to apply it to that feeling of life swirling around me and my fear of not being able to get it to stop. It's all about keeping myself centered. That's what I say to myself: I need to get centered. And I know exactly what that means. It's when you are trying to shut off your thoughts. When they consume you and take things too far and careen down paths they aren't meant to be on...you CENTER yourself and it helps to think of nothing. Focus on your breathing, on what your toes feel like. Your legs, your hips...being aware that there is a liver working in there for you. Lungs assisting you to breathe those breaths, a heart pumping glorious, life-giving blood. All these organs you've had your whole life, through every memory, they've been there. Working to keep you here reading at this very moment.

Once that happens, things that seemed important are now put in a different perspective.

For me today that happened when I realized...I don't need friends anymore. I don't mean friends period. I just mean the ones that have made me feel bad about myself. The ones that I've kept bitterness alive for. There is no need to be bitter anymore. No need to hold on just to be let down by their lack of presence in my life and over presence in their other friend's lives. Today, I realize it doesn't matter anymore. What I am ready to focus on is SAM (-my fiancé..not his real name) and the family we're going to have. That's where my focus will need to be. And I'm not going to bring children into my life if it's an unhappy one. They are going to get 100% of me and not just what's left of how much hate and bitterness I feel towards certain people.

I just need to get centered first.

And I have been forgetting my song lyrics to add to the end of my entries!!

"Just keep following the heart lines on your hand. And keep it up, I know you can." ~Flo + Machina (Florence and the Machine)

Elaine Bradley