Hey, life? Are you kidding me?

All my life all I've ever wanted . . . .

Reader Beware: Thoughts will be scattered and unconnected.

All my life all I've ever wanted . . . .

I freaking don't know! but here's the deal, lately - okay not lately - for a long time now this intro to a thought keeps nagging my brain - like I'm suppose to write something in that direction. I know some of you will call that a muse. For some reason that word just creeps me out - i'm weird that way - so can we call it herman or something.

here's the thing - I write quite a bit - but there are 3 basic ways I come up with my writing: 1. a prompt 2. an actual event in my life that I throw lies into it so it is not so personal that it makes me feel vulnerable 3. I'm dared (thus the erotica and dark section of my portfolio -- even though I admt I pretty much enjoyed it)

Really, there is only one time I can truly remember writing about something that just kept popping in my mind -- I finally did it thinking no one would understand it because i wasn't even sure I did. . . . I just had to get it out. You know? Ironically, it was later asked to be published in a short story anthology. It kinda leaves me shaking my head.

So back to "All my life all I've ever wanted . . . .

First of all, it is not even a sentence I would use structurally because it uses "all" twice. Yet it is the mantra in my mind.

I don't know what I've wanted all my life --it changes, like your taste buds. How could I want the same thing ALL my life? I'm not the same person with the same interests and philosophies that I was at 6 or 16 or 25 or for that matter last year.

Now, I can remember even as a little girl, praying to God to please let me live until I was old enough to have a child of my own. That prayer continued until i had one in which it changed to a prayer of thanks and asking to let me live to experience life with him.

Dont' get me wrong, I don't have some weird phobia of death. I mean I'm not like counting down the days until it; but I don't close my eyes freaked out that they will never open.

For awhile i thought maybe it was: All my live all I've ever wanted was to make people happy - but then I laughed out loud - because I think most of us go through that "screw others - it's about me phase" = and though that didn't last long for me - I do still hold on to a part of it on occasion.

So strike that one.

I've never been one that dreamed of fame. or money for that matter -- I mean I wouldn't turn down a little more but it isn't something that fits into the sentence.

Love? yeah, I've wanted to be loved, accepted for me. And I have experienced it -- and while love is a true blessing - through journeys I have realized sometimes loving and accepting yourself is just as important and gratifying.

All my life all I've ever wanted . . . . was to be worth fighting for. I admit this one has a familiar ring to it. I don't mean "meet me in the back alley - I fight ya for good ole Audra". I mean a relationship that when it got a little tough - it was worth doing the tough thing and trying to make it work - fighting to have me in their life, not taking the easy way and just quitting. But then, I realized that's not a fair wish, because haven't I taken the easy road before too?

A close friend and I sort of had this discussion this week. I think what was hard for both of us was that our goals for what we wanted in the future in each of our lives were very different - and because people are the way we are - we both thought we were 'right'. Though both of us our intelligent enough to know in that circumstance there isn't a right. but it is hard to see beyond oneself and situation, to really put yourself in someone else's place and the way they think, to realize what they want for themselves is right.

So I'm back to All my life all I've ever wanted . . . . Such a qualifying phrase - i mean come on - ALL my life - that's a looooonnnnngggggg time.

As i sit here, reflecting to when i was 6 and 18, and 22, and 35 and 42 and yesterday and tomorrow the only thread of similarity I can come up with is: All my life all I've ever wanted was to be a better person.

Where am I supposed to go with that? Apparently, forward.

Dazed and confused,
Audra
I
** Image ID #1529452 Unavailable **