"Her"

No Sacred Cows

How do you feel?

"I'm exhausted.I have this nasty hollow feeling. Like I'm not good enough again."

If you're expecting to fill that hole with praise from other people, then you'll have to make changes. You know, like agreeing with whatever's popular, sucking up, pretty much everything that goes against who you are. She sits by me and looks serious. I turn away, eyes filed with tears. How did we end up back here again? I thought I was strong enough not to feel this way again.You are not a failure because you took on some unpopular positions. You are not a failure because of the ignorance and unawareness of others.

"It's not because of that I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure because I couldn't just suck it and not let it bother me."

What is wrong with feeling your emotions? What is wrong with feeling?

"I don't want to let my feelings get the best of me. Everyone else sucked it up."

She smiled sadly. Weren't you paying attention? Everyone bought the man's act about not taking other avenues and went home. Not to mention they were exhausted as well. If anything, you showed tremendous courage by not falling for his spiel and seeking more information.

"I just don't understand how people can be so naive. He spent the entire conference pushing the work of him and his friends,and they all sounded the same. Kind of like friends who've known each other for years and they have the same secret jokes, and they all eat at the same places. I thought it was a bad joke when he didn't know who Octavia Butler was, winner of the Hugo and Nebula awards. Now I know for sure, his talent is only restricted to literary circles for one reason: lack of imagination." I shake my head. "I don't want to bash him."

Everyone is flawed. You happen to be most perceptive about everyone's flaws. Even those who are award-winning. Her eyes are warmer than usual.No sacred cows, remember?

I smile back. "Right. In a way, I'm glad he was so hard on me. It shook me a bit, but I'm okay. After all, I wanted to get better, and I have his feedback to look at, even if he dislikes science fiction and fantasy."

Do you think you would have taken his critique harder if he liked the genre?

"Yes. But it would have been relieving to get the insight of a master in the field. Then I wouldn't have any doubts about his opinion."

What do you think about his opinion?

"It's certainly valid, in some cases I was vague in some descriptions, and I needed to be more specific. But he definitely disliked my work because of the style, and the subject matter, things I refuse to change."

Good. In many ways you are a lot more grounded than you realize.