Until Death . . .

UNTIL DEATH ...... Chapter 4

CHAPTER ....4

That second night at Suzie's, I thought I would go to bed before dawn like any normal person, and so in the darkness undressed and climbed into the only empty bed in the house. My mind was still on Terry, wondering if he would still be there when I awoke in the morning, I had closed the bedroom door but purposely left it unlocked. I didn't want to lock it and so acted against my strict upbringing.  I heard his voice at the door, "Little Bit?" (his new nick name for me)"I'm coming in. You're not really ready to go to sleep are you?"

He waited for no answer and before he finished speaking I could feel his body slowly crawling up toward me  from the foot of the bed .Helpless, I wanted to help him; to take his strong hand and pull him to me, to say, "Yes, Yes, Yes, I want you, too." And I did reach for him in the darkness, laying my hands on his bare shoulders, guiding him as he moved to me. I couldn't believe the magic in those moments. A long lost lover come back to me, a touch I'd known before, from another time ?, an earlier life and love suddenly remembered? Was it possible? No, it couldn't be but at a later date Terry told me he'd had the same eerie feeling that we'd been lovers before, though we'd never before - until this night - met.

I was positively sure that no other two people had ever before felt the marvelous magic that a single, light touch between us aroused. Of course I was fairly new to this realm of experience but it was overwhelmingly beautiful and I'm still not sure it was or is all that common even to this day.

It was all so overwhelming that I was helpless against his sorcery, the life of beauty and perfection he offered me was for sure a once in a lifetime thing. I was definitely hooked!

As with most all other new relationships, in the beginning ours was passionate and very physical, but we enjoyed other things, too- as long as we were together and by this time everything was interesting. We didn't notice the one thing, though, that was missing within the both of us : sight of a future. No plans: In the moment was where we lived, bigger than life, eternally ecstatic with our newfound love. I believed I couldn't have children so I let this new life pick me up and take me to places I'd never dreamed of before, Terry holding my hand and heart all the way; laughing, playing, getting high, staying high - on each other as well as our choice of drugs..

We played all night, every night or just stayed home and talked about everything under the sun, sometimes making love ten times a day or night,  or even more (who's counting?), sleeping all day, our bodies tangled in a love knot. We never had hangovers back then, I don't know why we always felt good but I think it definitely had something to do with the overall emotional, as well as physical, chemistry between us. I'm sure of it.

After some time in the small city of Maples, Terry's "need for speed" began playing with his funny bone, nudging his need for the big city -  for the fast life - to awaken.  He had, after some months, grown somewhat restless for a life he'd known before me and he said he could make more money in Atlanta. His business was drugs for our livelihood and made pretty good money, too. I was too inexperienced and naive to worry about getting busted or even overdosing. Terry taught me all I needed to know and in my eyes we were harming no one but actually making quiet a few people happy. So it seemed.

So to "Hotlanta" we moved. It was not my first time living in Atlanta but this was an Atlanta I'd not experienced before. Terry introduced me to many new people and a few new ways to get high. At first I thought it an impossibility to feel better or to enjoy life more. We had everything we wanted: money, the best in material possessions, freedom to do as we pleased, lots of friends, a beautiful world to live in but by this time it was beginning to seem a bit unnatural. I was living a dream, an unbelievable dream, yet something from the deepest reaches of my soul was whispering a warning, one I didn't want to hear. If all my newfound happiness didn't stem from LOVE I didn't want to know it or believe it. After the horrors of my childhood didn't I deserve this ? After the Jehovah's Witnesses disfellowshipped and most of my family disowned me -  even before that I'd endured the pain and shame of forced incest, rape and physical and emotional torture, none from my asking - wasn't I entitled to this happiness without guilt?  I decided I'd most likely been damaged emotionally to the point that I subconsciously, unknowlngly come to believe I was unworthy of peace and happiness and so tried to let it be, hoping the feelings of doubt and confusion would subside with the passage of time and the creation of new good memories. This type of self destruction was lke a ghost. While it was not extremely obvious, its presence could surely be felt, leaving me and others around me with an uneasiness that could be, and was, erased with drugs and alcohol. Yet the ghost was always there to a greater or lesser degree, lurking in the shadowed corners of my mind, threatening me with exposure of my true self - the one I believed wholly unworthy of true happiness and stability.

It was only in comparison to the life I lived before graduating high school, leaving home, and before meeting Terry that the fairytale my mind created came to life. I considered myself a "good" person just because I wasn't seeking my measure of vengence to balance out for all the pain and horrors I had endured earlier. In fact without any conscience knowledge of the truth, I was only carrying on with the destruction of my own chance for normalcy or happiness, destruction that had begun in my early childhood by others who cared as little for my overall well being as I was taught to.