Shellyville Continues

The way I love?

Hello my little love bugs,

I am in the mood to talk about love. I am in the mood to exam who I am. I am ready to express myself. I am a lover. I am a giver of positive thoughts. I work hard at loving myself and others.

I read an article yesterday that love helps people cope with pain. That the more love you feel in your life the more capable you are of handling hard and painful issues. Love gives you strength. I wish I would have read that 7 years ago. I would have loved to know that my active search for love was my way of coping with pain. I kind of figured that out the hard way.

Still, it really got me thinking about living with depression and why I always need to be seeking out love. Why I am a romantic at heart and poet. Why I am always looking for the right and amazing lover in my life.That I live in the fantasy far more then the reality of my life. I have always been a dreamer. I have always been passionate and expressive.

I am learning that I am an agent of love. I am a giver and people drift into my life for the love I can share with them. It might last a minute or a lifetime but I give from my heart and soul. Only I am not really in charge of it. I am not totally in control here. I feel that something far bigger and more powerful is at work here. It must be God. I hope it is.

I feel like I have finally come to terms with my true meaning. I played around this year after the divorce. Chasing anything that would make me feel loved. It wasn't love I was looking for. It was avoidance. It was a way to ignore the pain of the divorce. I understand now the danger of lust and passion. I understand that my heart is not always my best friend. I also figured out that pain can never be avoided no matter how much love I have in my life. Pain is a reminder to breathe.

I want to be honest and live with what is in front of me. I am not out seeking, looking, or begging for love to come into my life. I am the love I want. I am finding my own love. I will love you. I will love you with all my heart and soul. I will let you come into my life and feel that. I will be here with positive thoughts. I will be here with a laugh and a hug. I will be here.

Love,
Michelle