Jaded Warriors book 2 (Jade Series)

Chapter 5

Chapter 5


Each day that passed, I sank deeper into hopelessness. I couldn’t bring myself to face Gage, to face Kane. With the loss of feeling and emotion, my heart grew empty, hollow, frozen.


Damian’s icy grey eyes a constant reminder in my mind. The thought of Trey gone made everything more unbearable and I sank into a dark hole as I let myself become numb. Nothing could reach me as I went to escape.  Not Gage, not Kane, not even Megan or Marge could find me. I wanted to forget about him.  I felt myself shut down but I didn’t care as I hid from the pain I harbored from the loss of Trey, the loss of my life that would never be the same again.


“Jade,” Kane said, as he pulled me from my mind and sat at the edge of my bed. I didn’t answer. “Jade. Let’s go outside.”


“I don’t want to,” I flatly replied.


“Yeah, you’re going to go outside with me,” Kane said firmly, “come on.”


“No,” I said, as I looked at him to see his somber eyes, filled with hurt, and then abruptly masked by sternness. Suddenly, he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder like I weighed nothing and carried me out of the bedroom to the front door.


“Stop!”


His strength overpowered me and panic surged through me as my heart raced in my chest. He opened the door and a rush of cold air blew into my face and stole my breath.


“Kane! What are you doing?” Gage said, with anger in his eyes, as he appeared from the kitchen doorway.


“You might be able to see her like this but I can’t!  She is going outside!” He shouted.


“You know I don’t like it any more than you do!” Gage yelled, with clenched fists, ready to brawl with the slightest response from Kane. Gage followed as he carried me outside and threw me into the snow.


“Kane, don’t!”


I gasped, my warm body shocked instantly as I sat barefoot in the two-foot icy snow. The chilly wetness soaked into my clothes and bit at my skin as he knelt down in front of me and grabbed my arms.  Stunned by his abrasiveness, I sat as flakes from the white sky fell on my face.


“What are you doing? You wanted to throw me in the snow!” I yelled, as Gage stood over us and watched, a little perplexed about where this would lead.


“Yeah!” Kane yelled back.


“Why?” I asked, puzzled. I started to shiver.


“So you can feel something, Jade! Anything!” He tossed snow in my face. “Yeah, it’s snow. And it’s freezing cold. Can you feel how cold it is?”


“Yeah, I can feel how cold it is. I am sitting in it… with bare feet!  And it’s snowing on me, are you happy?” 


“No… I’m not… I can’t sit here and watch you become so numb to everything and everyone around you. You are so empty inside!  Where is my sister? We used to come out in the snow, you, Trey and me when we were younger and we would spend hours outside. You were the last to come in… so full of life! I used to have to drag you inside kicking and screaming. Now look at you. I had to drag you outside. You sit in that room like it’s your jail cell and you never come out. You have been here a month. You're not locked in a cell anymore! You don’t have to stay in there!” He paused for a minute as pain surfaced in his face, his voice softened. “I want you to feel something again.”


I don’t know how long Casey and Megan had been there but they stood next to Gage.


“I don’t want to feel anything, Kane… I don’t want to see his face in my mind anymore!” I pleaded with him as the tears came. “Every time I let myself feel anything, I end up feeling like this. Nothing but tears! I can’t get him out of my mind,” I sobbed, tears streaked my already wet cheeks. “And I miss Trey… I wish it was me that died instead of him. He’s not feeling anything right now, nothing at all… He left me behind!” I closed my eyes and put my head down on my knees. I could hear Megan as she cried too. Kane pulled me close to him and hugged me.


“Jade, look at me,” he said, after a while. I wiped my tears with my hands, but they were just as wet from the snow. “You don’t really mean that. I know you don’t. So don’t think like that or talk like that anymore. I will not let you get off that easy. Trey is gone, I miss him too. And I know you feel lost without him. But you are not going with him this time,” he paused for a moment, the intensity in his eyes desperate to reach me. “If you ever want to feel better, then you are going to have to feel the bad first, all of it.”


“I can’t.”


“Yes you can. You have to. Stop punishing yourself. So many people love you. You are not just hurting yourself.  You are hurting them as well. Look around you... I can’t stand it-” Kane’s voice caught as he pleaded with me. “We are all hurting, watching you go through this.”


I looked up at Megan, she was in tears. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Gage. I knew he was hurt. Then I looked at Kane.


“I’m sorry.”


“Just before Trey died I made him a promise. He made me promise him that I wouldn’t let you get like this. I am not going to break that promise, and neither are you. I heard you promise Trey that you would be okay, and you’re not!”


I shivered from the cold as a prickly, numbing sensation rippled across my skin.  My soaked clothes offered little protection.


“Do you know what today is?”


I thought about it. I had no idea. “No.”


“It’s January first, a new year. Put the old one behind you...”


“I don’t know if I can...”


“You need to.”


“They made me talk... Morrison made me tell him…They were going to hurt Trey! I gave him information about you! How could I have done that to you?” I cried. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t want to and Hector died because of what I did. They killed him! They shot him and I watched!”


“The whole time you were gone, I just hoped that you did whatever you could to just stay alive. I knew Morrison would ask you. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew you were killed trying to protect me. It’s okay, I already know.”


“How do you know?”


“Trey told me what he saw.”  I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear it. “He said that…”


I gasped and scooted back away from Kane. “NO,” I said, as I shook my head. “He didn’t!” I stood up. I didn’t want to hear any more of what Kane knew! How could Trey tell him!  “I don’t want to hear what you know, Kane! Please, don’t say it!” I shouted, as I turned and ran into the house. Kane followed behind me and blocked the door to the room as I went to slam it.


“Kane, that’s enough!” Gage said and grabbed him and threw him up against the wall.


“Back off!”


“No! I said that’s enough!” Gage shouted back. Kane clocked him with a swift elbow to his jaw. Furious, in a blur of motion, Gage held nothing back. He punched my brother and sent him stumbling back into the wall. Driven by anger and frustration the punches and brawling grew quickly out of control. They slammed into the end table and a lamp crashed to the floor.


“Stop!” I screamed and I squeezed in between them, pressed against their chests. Horrified that I drove them to fight. They stopped, towered around me, tense, both in each other’s face, heated with anger in their eyes, then Gage’s voice softened. “That’s enough...  Each day… A little at a time, remember.”


He calmed down and Gage let go of him. Kane glanced at me with hurt filled eyes as he straightened his shirt.  “Trey is dead… but I've lost both of you,” he said, as he wiped the blood at the corner of his lip with the back of his hand. His jaw tensed as he drew his mouth tight then turned and walked back outside. The door slammed behind him.


I fumbled with my fingers as I stood in the living room. Gage stood before me. The room, too quiet all of a sudden. He took a step towards me and I stepped back into the wall. He reached for my hands and cupped them in his as I drew in a sharp breath. He rubbed them vigorously to pull out the cold. I didn’t realize how icy they were until he touched me and I looked down at my red frozen fingers in his hands.


“I want to put my arms around you, but I can't. I hate that you're afraid of me,” Gage said. A fresh red mark, present under his eye.  “I feel like I’m making everything harder for you.” 


“I used to want you to. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me... I don’t want to feel like that. The smallest, most unexpected things trigger something and I react… I can’t stop it,” I paused, desperate for him to understand me, needing to understand myself. “I’m sorry.”


“I know. It’s okay,” Gage said, through sympathetic eyes.


“I don’t want to hurt you, Gage. But I can see that I am… I don’t know where to go from here? Everything happened so fast before…”


“Do you regret…”


“No… But… I don't know how to get back… I want to be… but, I don’t know what I feel right now.”


“We don’t have to go back to where we were… I don’t want you to regret anything with me,” he said, as he stood in front of me, his soft blue eyes afflicted with worry. “Why don’t we just start over. Let me be your friend.  Do you think you could do that?”


“Yeah…”


“I know you need time. I’ll give you as much time as you need,” he pleaded. “Just please… don’t shut down okay… don’t shut me out. I’m too involved now… I can’t stand seeing you like this and I can’t just walk away. For whatever reason, I feel like you want me to… But I can’t… And I won’t because I don't think that's really what you want either ... I care about you.  But, it’s not even about that anymore… If you’re not able to give anything more than just friendship, that’s okay with me… I won’t pressure you... You don't have to explain yourself, or tell me anything. I don't know what happened… and I won't ask.”


He paused for a minute, like he held something back, then he said. “But, Kane’s right… You can’t stay in there, day in and day out. His actions may seem harsh, but he's doing it out of love. He's making himself sick worrying about you… I know you really want to go in that room, but will you do me a favor?”


“What?”


“Don’t go in there... Please, will you come and just sit with me? Let’s just sit here on the couch, for a minute,” Gage said as he watched me carefully.


“And do what?”


“We don’t have to do anything, we don’t have to talk, nothing. Just sit somewhere else besides that room.”


“Okay.”


With much effort from my heavy legs, I moved over and sat on the couch. I realized then that I was soaked and I shivered as goose bumps ran over my arms. My clothes and hair hung on me, weighted by moisture from being outside for so long.  Pins and needles burned through my toes. 


“Are you cold?”


“Yeah.”


“How are your feet?”


“They’re unthawing,” I said, and I glanced down at their chalky redness as the burn intensified.


"I'll be right back," he said, as he glanced at the fireplace. The fire that burned earlier sat as a pile of ash and coldness settled inside. He walked into the back hall off the kitchen and I sat in the room alone. The doorway to my bedroom sat slightly ajar with the ruffled sheets and unmade bedding luring me to return. The urge to hide under the downy comforter grew too painful to smother and I looked around the living room for a distraction.


I glanced at the shattered lamp in a million pieces on the floor and bent over to pick them up. The shards of glass, splintered on the hardwood floor with some jagged pieces stabbed into the rug and one by one, I placed them carefully in my hand. My heart wrenched in pain at the thought of Kane, trying to help me, but at a loss for how to do so. His desperate attempt tore at my heart, as I truly wanted to feel better, wanted to feel like I deserved to be happy.


I winced suddenly as a razor sharp piece sliced my finger and bright red blood spilled from the cut. The stinging grew into a pulsating throb that matched the beat of my heart. I watched stunned as it trickled down and pooled in the palm of my hand before it dripped around my wrist. The sight of my blood confused me and I wondered how I could feel so dead inside and yet, still bleed. I owed Kane and Gage my life. They risked theirs to save mine and I suddenly felt selfish for putting them through so much worry.


"Jade, you're bleeding," Gage said. I jumped, startled as I hadn't heard him return and I glanced back over my shoulder to see him. With a stack of wood curled in his arms, he stood in the doorway and watched me intently, and then he walked across the room, set the wood down by the fireplace and moved to my side.


His eyes a rich blue with sorrow and full of worry as I watched him. I gave him a brief smile and the strain in his jaw softened some as he took the pieces of glass from my hands and set them on the end table.


"Are you okay?"


"Yeah, it's just a little cut," I said, as he wiped the congealing blood off my wrist with his hand and inspected it. Relief settled into his eyes and I wondered if he thought I hurt myself intentionally. "I just thought I would clean up the glass."


"It can wait, I can get it later."


"Are you okay?" I returned the question. He looked at me through quizzical eyes as I stood, he stood with me.


"Yeah…" he said, as his eyes softened and we moved to the couch as he glanced at my wet clothes. “Want a fire?”


“Sure.”


He knelt down in front of the fireplace and stacked the wood in the hearth then before too long he had a nice fire that warmed the room. I moved closer and noticed his shirt was as wet as mine. The light in the room faded as the day ended and the flickering glow of the fire danced against the dark walls of the room. The fire snapped and popped with a gentle, soothing rumble and my eyes grew heavier as I rested my head on the arm of the couch and curled my feet up under a blanket. Gage sat on the floor and leaned against the chair, across from me by the fire.


I watched him as he stared at the fire and saw its reflection dance in his eyes, sad eyes, tormented eyes. My gaze drifted from him to the shimmering silver of the koru that still hung from his neck. The reflective orange glow of the fire gave life to the black stone of the blade as if it pulsed and breathed, sheathed in a swirl of flames. I felt a strange urge to touch it but instead I stared, captivated and entranced as it sparkled in the flickering light and I couldn’t look away.


An uncomfortable burn grew inside my chest and pulsated through my body to the tips of my fingers, crippling my numbing shield as I became restless with the long silence. I fought against my own internal thorny prodding. He deserved more than my silence, as difficult as it was, I needed to say something. I continued to stare at the stone as if the stone itself created my unease and drew the silence from me. “I feel like I don't deserve you…”


He looked sharply at me, stunned with furrowed brows as he demanded my attention. "That couldn't be any farther from the truth."


"I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but," I paused as a tightness grew in my throat, "it doesn't change that… that as stupid as it sounds, that's how I feel."


He moved in front of me crouched on his knees. His hands cupped mine as he met my troubled gaze with his.


“I’ve thought about that night over and over again trying to think of something, anything I could have done different… If only we had left a day earlier… Everything now would be so different.”


Tears streamed silently down my face at the memory of Gage and me leaving for Mississippi. Things would have been a lot different and the very thought has crossed my mind many times before as well. Gage watched me as the tears fell.


"I'm so sorry," he said, as he dropped his head and rested it on my knees. His muscles tensed as he squeezed my hands. I pulled one free and combed my fingers through his dark hair. His anguish spurred my tears.


“It wasn’t your fault. How could you have known Damian would come that night and,”  I said through my tears, unable to finish my sentence.


“But, I should have expected him to do something… well, I did, I just didn’t expect that… Burn down your home!" He paused, and he left his words unfinished as he looked at me with moistened eyes, then he stood and paced the floor.  "I spent every last minute of every day since then trying to get you out…”


“I don’t blame you, Gage. I know you did everything you could… You got me out.”


“It wasn’t enough. It was my responsibility, to keep you safe… And I failed.”


“Gage… Nobody gave you that resp…”


“I did!” He turned towards me, his fists clenched into balls of rage, punishing himself for what happened. I shot back, shocked from his outburst and sudden movement. He paced the floor, a lament look on his face from the regret of scaring me. His hands smoothed through his dark hair as he walked the already worn rug.


“I’m sorry… I did, Jade,” he said, in a calmer voice as he sighed. “I made it my responsibility… The only thing I cared about was keeping you safe… I told Kane I would do that… I didn’t.”


“Kane better not have made you feel-”


“No… He didn’t have to… And he felt just as bad.”


I watched him as he paced, tremendous agonizing guilt weighted heavily on his thick shoulders. He resorted to the chair, leaned forward and put his head in his hands. After a moment, his eyes slowly met my gaze and he rested his hands on his thighs.


“Casey told me why you hate the shower… Don’t be mad at him. I made him tell me…I told him if he didn’t tell me I was going to beat it out of him, and I would have too…I’m sorry about that day in the bathroom.”


“You didn’t know...”


“He wouldn’t tell me anything else,” he said, then relaxed back into the chair.


We didn’t say anything else the rest of the evening. The hypnotic movement of the fire caused the heaviness in my eyes to take over and I let them close. I told myself, ‘Just for a minute,’ …