Boy in the Shadows

Chapter Four - "Broken And Spilled Out"

“I don't wanna hear about love no more.


I don't wanna talk about how I feel.


I don't really wanna be me no more.”





Something To Be, ROB THOMAS

Jase.


         Why was he talking to Adam about Jase?


         Sam rarely drank and the wine was beginning to make his head feel fuzzy and impair his judgment. He shouldn't be telling Adam so much, dancing so closely around the truth and still keeping it hidden. The things Sam was saying to Adam was inciting Adam's sympathy and understanding, and he knew that was wrong. In a way, he was manipulating Adam's emotions, wanting to believe Adam was different than Jase, that his love for Sam could be stronger, deeper...unbreakable.


         Adam was staring at him, waiting for him to elaborate. Why had he mentioned Jase? He didn't want to go there. Not tonight.


         He twisted his glass in his fingers, staring at the residue of wine in the bottom. He glanced at the bottle of wine, wanting more, needing more if he was going to continue on this path. A slight numbness pressed at the edges of his mind and it felt good. He wanted to be numb...feel nothing for awhile.


         “Sam?” Adam's hand was still on his wrist, his thumb caressing his skin.


         Sam stared at Adam's hand. If he drank enough wine, would he grow so numb that he wouldn't feel Adam's touch? He needed to not feel him...in any way.


         Sam stood to his feet and Adam's hand fell away from his arm. Clearing his throat, Sam reached past Adam and grabbed the wine bottle then walked to the fireplace, refilled his glass and set the bottle on the mantle beside a low burning candle. He stood with his back to Adam and drank from his glass. His eyes were wet, and filling up again. He didn't care. He didn't try to wipe away the swelling tears.


         “Sam?” Adam stood slowly and approached the fireplace.


         Sam turned away from him a little and downed more wine from the glass.


         “That's...a lot of wine you're drinking.” Adam murmured. “Maybe you should slow down.”


         Licking his lips, Sam looked at his glass. “What're you...my dad?” Sam turned slowly and looked at Adam. The man swam before him. “'Cause if you were...I still wouldn't listen to you.”


         Adam released a slow breath and stared down at the fire. “I'm not trying to tell you what to do, Sam.” Adam said softly. “If you want to get wasted...that's your prerogative. You can do whatever you want.”


         “Really?” A bitter laugh escaped Sam. “Can I?” His watery eyes rested heavily on Adam's face. Adam raised his eyes and gazed back at him. “So if I wanted to...”


         What? What the hell was he about to say? Sam swallowed thickly and turned away. So if I wanted to kiss you...I could kiss you? The words had been right there, swaying on the tip of his tongue. A shudder ran through him. He was coming unhinged. His hand shook a little as he set the glass on the mantle. He didn't need anymore wine, it was messing with his head.


         Adam touched his arm. “Sam...who is Jase?”


         Drawing away from Adam's touch, Sam moved back to the sofa, walking slowly. His legs felt unsteady, his head light. He sat down and leaned back. Adam was watching him from the fireplace. Sam rubbed his eyes tiredly. Tears wet his fingertips and smeared his face.


         Adam remained where he was, sinking down to sit on the hearth, his back to the fire.


         “He was the captain of the baseball team.” Sam whispered suddenly. He leaned against the back of the sofa and stared at his hands in his lap, his eyes heavy, distant. “He was...beautiful. Perfect.” He sniffed and wiped at his face. “All the girls wanted him.” Sam closed his eyes, his voice lowering to a faint whisper, as if merely speaking to himself. “I couldn't believe it when he asked me out. I didn't know I was...his type.” Sam swallowed thickly and opened his eyes slowly. “I didn't know he was my type either.”


         He could feel Adam watching him intently but couldn't bring himself to meet the man's eyes. He was manipulating him again, carefully guiding his own words, opening up and still hiding at the same time. He knew Adam thought the walls were slowly coming down, but the wall that kept Adam out, that prevented him from really seeing Sam...that wall would stand indefinitely.


         So why was he bothering with all this? Telling Adam these things when it was all just illusion and magic tricks to make Adam believe Sam was letting him in? But talking to Adam this way did make Sam feel closer to him. He knew it was an illusion, even if Adam didn't. But still it felt good...to just pretend for a moment. Pretend he was opening up, pretend he could open up.


         “When Jase asked you out.” Adam said softly. “That's when you realized you were gay?”


         Sam stared blankly at his own hands. “I'd never had such strong feelings for a boy before. Any boy.” Anguish gripped Sam's chest and stabbed at his heart as images from the past snapped through his head. Memories of Jase and the way he had looked at him, loved him, made Sam believe nothing could break his love for him. But it had broke. Shattered into a million pieces.


         Leaning forward, Sam rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. The swell of tears spilled over and drained down his face. A moment later, Adam sat down beside him. He hadn't even heard him move from the hearth. Adam's hand touched his shoulder, rubbed gently.


         “You don't have to talk about this, Sam.” Adam murmured. “I don't have to know what happened.”


         Sam shuddered beneath Adam's touch. The wine didn't make Sam more numb to his touch, but more sensitive. Adam's fingers combed through the hair at the back of Sam's head. Sam pressed his face into his hand and squeezed his eyes shut tight, struggling against the emotions and sensations reeling through him from the mere feel of Adam stroking his hair. The wine in his system was weakening him. He could feel the heat of Adam's body so close to his and he craved that heat, was desperate to be consumed by it, wrapped in it.


         With a sudden, choking sob, Sam stood quickly and returned to the fireplace. He gripped the mantle, feeling light headed. Another hard sob hit him and he leaned his arms against the mantle, pressing his forehead against his arms. The room was beginning to spin. Outside, the storm screamed at him, taunted him, laughed at him. His mind felt like it was cracking and a sudden, crippling fear gripped him. “Adam...” He cried, trembling, clutching the mantle.


         Adam was at his side instantly, gripping his arm lightly. “Sam...are you okay?”


         The fear swelled inside Sam, rushing through him. He grabbed Adam suddenly, wrapping his arms fiercely around Adam's neck and clinging to him in sheer desperation. Adam's arms were around him, holding him tight with the promise of never letting him go.


         But it was an empty promise that ripped at Sam's heart and mind and intensified the fear coursing through him. His arms tightened around Adam's neck and he cried against the man's warm throat as the raging storm ripped apart the world around him.











The kids' arms squeezed so tight it nearly choked him, but Adam didn't care. He held Sam tight, never wanting to release him. But he knew what this was, and in many ways, it meant nothing. Sam harbored a lot of pain from the past and the excess of wine had simply caused it to bubble to the surface. Adam wanted to believe that Sam clung to him because he saw him as a safe place, but the truth was...Adam could be anyone and in Sam's state of mind, he would have still grabbed onto him.


         Even so, Adam held him. He was thankful to be the one there with Sam just now, the one Sam was clinging to. He kissed Sam's hair and rubbed his hands up his back as the kid's body trembled with sobs.


         “It's gonna be okay, Sam.” He murmured against his soft golden hair. “I know it hurts, but it's over. It's in the past.” He closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Sam's hair.


         Sam's arms squeezed tighter then his hands were on the back of Adam's head, his fingers raking through Adam's hair. “I want it over with.” Sam choked out and began to kiss Adam's throat and neck.


         “Sam?” Adam frowned then shuddered at the feel of Sam's lips against his skin.


         “Just get it over with.” Sam gripped fistfuls of Adam's hair and was pulling his head down, pulling his mouth down. Then Sam was kissing him, hard, desperate.


         A fierce shudder swept through Adam. Sam wasn't thinking clearly but his kiss still burned through Adam like lava. He tried to resist. This wasn't really what Sam wanted, he was just upset, hurting. But the kid's urgency and need in his kiss was pulling Adam under. He'd hungered for Sam's kiss from the moment the kid had climbed up in his truck, and now it was more than he could turn away from.


         Adam's arms tightened around Sam in desperation as he kissed him back, starving for the young man in ways he had never hungered for another living soul. Sam was forceful, gripping Adam's hair, pushing him towards the sofa. Adam's head was spinning as his passion for Sam ignited, exploding through him. Then they were on the sofa, Adam's body pinning Sam beneath him as the young man clawed at Adam's shirt in desperation, kissed his mouth in a near frenzy.


         Tears streamed down Sam's face and sobs shook him. There was a stark fear in the kid's eyes that slapped Adam hard in the face. Shaking, breathing erratic, Adam drew back. Sam pulled at him, kissing his throat, his jaw, crying.


         “Just get it over with.” Sam was shaking from the sobs. “Make love to me, Adam.” Sam cried and struggled to pull Adam down against him again. “Just be done with me.” He sat forward and kissed Adam's mouth hard and fierce, then cried in a rage, “Just get it over with!”


         “Sam!” Adam gripped the kid's arms and pinned him against the sofa. “Sam, what're you talking about? You're not making any sense.” Adam trembled, the passion and need Sam's kiss had ignited in him was still staggering through him. His chest heaved as tears wet his face. He was desperate to have Sam back in his arms, kiss his lips, but none of this was what it appeared.


         Just be done with me.


         What was Sam talking about?











You're not making any sense.


         Sam stopped struggling and stared at Adam. The man's face was tight with concern, his eyes worried. Sam tried to force his mind to clear, to think rationally, to stop this insanity. What the hell was he doing? But a heavy fog continued to hover on his mind.


         “You're wrong, Adam.” Sam choked out and wrenched away from  the man's grip. Sam worked himself out from beneath Adam and sat up. “I'm making perfect sense...you just don't understand.”


         Adam sat beside him. “So help me understand.” He spoke low. The need to know what was really going on was thick in his voice. “Why did you tell me to just be done with you?” Adam combed his fingers through Sam's hair. “I could never.”


         You can...and you will. Sam trembled. Adam's arms had felt so good, the passion in him like a sweet taste of heaven. He wanted those arms around him again, Adam's lips kissing his. And all he would have to do is give the word. Adam was right there, wanting all the same things.


         Sam turned slowly and met Adam's dark eyes. There was so much emotion in those beautiful eyes. So much need for Sam, so much concern, desire and...


         Sam looked away. He couldn't bear to delve any deeper, really see what was all in there for him. This was wrong. What he was doing was wrong. He shouldn't be here. It wasn't fair to Adam. He hadn't wanted Adam to invest his heart, but it was too late for that now. But maybe, if he left soon enough, Adam's suffering would be minimal, reparable.


         “I have to leave, Adam.” Sam's low voice strained with tears. The words cut through him like razor blades, slicing open his heart and leaving him to bleed. He closed his eyes as hot tears rolled down his face.


         “No, Sam.” Adam cupped the back of his head and turned his face towards him. “You don't. You don't ever have to leave.” Adam's voice trembled, and tightened with tears. He pulled Sam closer and pressed his lips to his brow. “You belong here with me. Can't you feel that?”


         Sam squeezed his eyes tight. Every word Adam spoke was just another slash at his heart, cutting him open wider, bleeding him out.


         “I didn't know I was missing so much in my life.” Adam whispered unsteadily. His hands moved down and caressed Sam's face as he left kisses across his brow. “Don't leave me, Sam. Please.” Adam kissed Sam's eyes softly, his face. “I can't pretend like you were never here...that I never felt this way about you.” His mouth hovered at Sam's lips. “Stay with me.”


         Every survival instinct inside Sam told him to go, get away from Adam now. But his body wouldn't move, his mind was frozen in place. Adam's lips touched his, lightly at first, as if expecting Sam to flee. When Sam remained, Adam's kiss deepened. Sam's insides ignited and sent a searing heat sweeping through him. This wasn't like when they had kissed in desperation. This was much more intimate...more dangerous.


         Adam gripped Sam's head gently, his fingers in his hair again as his kiss intoxicated Sam's senses far more powerfully than the wine ever could. He felt and tasted Adam's tongue, drew him deeper into his mouth, sucked at him tentatively. A low, stuttered groan rose in Adam's throat. His fingertips pressed more firmly against Sam's scalp.


         His pulse racing wildly, Sam slowly gripped Adam's shirt in fistfuls. He felt as if he were falling through the air, then realized Adam was laying him down on the sofa. The fierce desperation from earlier was gone, but this was worse, more consuming and powerful.


         Adam's lips slid off Sam's mouth and kissed a soft path down his neck. Sam's heart jack hammered against his ribs as Adam's hands caressed down his chest, his stomach, then slipped under his shirt.


         You have to stop this now...you know you have to.


         Sam slid his fingers through Adam's soft hair as the man's warm lips kissed his throat, tugged at his sensitive skin. A sudden, hard sob hit Sam and fresh tears drained from the corners of his eyes. He clutched Adam's head and turned his face into Adam's hair, crying.


         Please, God...help me...


         “Adam...” Sam trembled, crying, breathing in the scent of Adam's hair and shaking under the feel of Adam's hands sliding up under his shirt, caressing his chest.











“Adam...don't.”


         Sam's voice barely penetrated the thick haze swirling inside Adam's head. All he could really hear was the fierce thump of his own heart as it pounded in his chest and head. All he felt was Sam beneath him, his warm skin against his fingertips. Some part of him, way deep down and buried beneath his intense need for Sam...knew he shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be trying to go here with Sam, not yet...that there was still something keeping Sam at a distance.


         But he was drowning in his desire and passion for the young man and once he'd let go, allowed himself to fall into Sam, he didn't know how to stop falling in deeper and deeper.


         “Stop...” Sam's soft, anguished cries pushed through the haze and gripped Adam's heart, squeezing painfully. Sam was shoving weakly against Adam, shaking with sobs. “Stop.”


         Adam trembled, his palms flattened against Sam's warm chest. He could feel the kid's heart beating wildly, thumping hard against the center of his palm, like a frenzied bird trapped inside a cage.


         “No!” Sam's cries were laced in panic. “Stop!”


         Confusion spun inside Adam's head, twisting and mixing with his passion and desire. He drew his hands from beneath Sam's shirt and pushed himself up off the young man. The instant his weight lifted, Sam scrambled off the sofa, nearly stumbling to the floor in his hurried, desperate retreat. His chest was heaving and hitching from hard sobs, and he seemed on the bare edge of hyperventilating.


         Adam stood up off the sofa slowly, a confused, worried frown pinching his brow hard. “Sam...” He said quietly. “Sam...it's okay...calm down.” He stepped cautiously towards the kid, but when he did, Sam stumbled away, crying, not letting Adam get close.


         “Sam...what's wrong?” Adam asked slowly. “Please talk to me.”


         Sam shook his head and backed away, his chest hitching hard from the force of his sobs. “You don't understand...you just...” Sam choked on his sobs. “You just...don't. I have to leave, Adam...I can't be here...I can't be...with you.”


         Adam's face ached as his jaw tightened and tears burned his eyes. “Why, Sam?” Adam's voice thickened and tightened with his own tears. “Why can't you be with me? Just tell me. Please.”


         Desperation and panic clutched Adam's heart and mind. He couldn't let Sam run away, just disappear from his life. He knew Sam had feelings for him, he saw it each time he looked in the young man's lovely eyes, had felt it in his kiss, his touch. Sam felt it all as deeply and powerfully as Adam did. Sam knew he belonged with Adam...so why was he trying to run?


         “What did Jase do to you?” Adam whispered thickly, certain that all of this, Sam's intense fears and pain, all circled back to the kid Sam had mentioned. His first boy/boy love, the one who had made Sam face who he really was.


         Sam trembled and wiped at his face, but more tears instantly took the place of the ones rubbed away. “Jase...told me we were meant to be together...” Sam hugged himself tightly. “He said he would always love me...that nothing could make him stop loving me.” Sam's arms tightened fiercely around himself as the force of his cries gripped him and tore his strength from him. He sat down heavily on the hearth by the fire and doubled over as his cries stole his breath.


         Tears streaked Adam's face. He went to Sam and pulled him into his arms.


         “He...lied...” Sam choked out hard. “He couldn't...love me.” Sam's face pressed against Adam's throat, crying so hard Adam could feel the kid's heart coming apart piece by piece. Adam tightened his arms around him and kissed his hair, crying with him. “No one can love me.”


         “That's not true, Sam.” Adam cried against his hair.


         “I shouldn't have been born.” Sam shuddered hard in Adam's arms. “I wish I had died.”


         “Don't, Sam.” Adam clung to him fiercely. “Don't say that.”


         Sam was shaking bad. “I just want to disappear, Adam.” He cried. “I don't want to be me anymore...I don't...” His hot breath stuttered against Adam's throat. “Why did God do this to me?”


         Adam hugged him tight in his arms and pressed his lips to his hair, his face hard with confusion and uncertainty. This went far beyond the pain of a normal broken heart. Whatever had happened between Sam and Jase...it wasn't just a typical teenage romance breakup. Jase had damaged Sam in a way that wasn't healing with time...but getting worse.











The sobs subsided. Adam's arms were still around him, holding him tight. He could feel Adam's lips against his hair.


         Sam closed his eyes as exhaustion washed over him. The thought of sleeping all night in Adam's arms filled him with a soothing warmth. He shouldn't be letting Adam hold him, but every time his arms went around him, Sam felt safe, wanted...loved.


         He swallowed thickly. It was a dangerous game of emotions he was playing. The security he experienced with Adam was false security. To believe it was more would only lead to crippling disappointment and anguish...for him and Adam alike.


         Still, he couldn't yet bring himself to pull away from Adam, and Adam gave no indication he was ready or willing to let him go.