Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about a public service announcement.

30DBC PROMPT: "What does spring mean to you? Recount one of your most fond springtime memories."

What's up folks? Good to be back here enjoying May with all y'all. Let's see...I think it was still snowing last time I stopped by, but Microsoft's weather app tells me we might stretch into the 70's today. Whatever that means. Maybe spring has finally sprung...into summer.

Ahhh, spring. In the days of my youth I would get more romantic as the temperatures rose. The smell of acid rain washing dirty snow down the sewer drains. Stepping onto the lawn, where the mud caked up an inch high on my Nikes. The sound of umpires on baseball diamonds calling games because there was still six inches of snow on the warning track of the outfield. And the girls...the girls walking down to the bars on Chippewa St. in downtown Buffalo on a Friday night, barely legal and barely walking in high heels, short skirts and shoulderless tops in 40-degree chill, unable to talk because they're shivering. Silly girls.

Yes, it's that time of year where I dispense the most important advice I might give all spring. Ladies, this is especially directed at you, and you know who you are.

Your cleavage is where your boobs meet. It's not a wallet nor a purse. It's not meant to hold your cell phone, camera or money (and exceptions are made for the certain type of "specially trained" women who by trade earn money by putting it in their underwear). Bras are meant for breasts. Next time I see a woman reaching into her chestal area to retrieve a sweaty ten dollar bill at Burger King for her extra value meal while her kids are running around as if The King himself were the monster under the bed, I'm kidnapping them and selling the brats on Craigslist in exchange for a carton of Marlboros and an Asian backrub.

This message is brought to you out of the kindness of my heart and my love of taste and decency. Also, you should know that some things just can't be unseen once they're seen. Thank you, and enjoy your spring.

BCF PROMPT: "Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a member of the opposite sex for a day? What do you think life would be like?"

Have I ever tried to wear a bra and stick money down it? If that's what you're asking me, then no.

Maybe I'm the one with the diseased mind, but yeah, I think it's normal to be curious. I'm sure...in fact I know, that one year in high school I dressed up as a girl for Halloween. And men don't just dress up "like" girls. They go all-out. What men really want in a woman can likely be mirrored by how they emulate one in costume.

I looked like a whore. An ugly whore with treetrunk calves that would've devoured a bottle of Nair and went back for seconds.

I'm pretty sure I was in tenth or eleventh grade. It was a time when no one could wear shorts to school, but girls could wear skirts . The life of an administrator must've been rough.

Anyway, I borrowed a super short black miniskirt, a tight white top, and a bra from the girl I was seeing at the time. And I pimped myself out pretty good. I stuffed that bra so much the buttons were threatening mutiny from the rest of the top. I'd never had my ass grabbed in public so many times. My Spanish teacher threw me out of class and made me change...and all I had were my gym shorts. So I got away with gym shorts for the day.

It was a meaningful experience actually. It taught me that it's not easy to be a woman...and all I had to deal with were catcalls and all the attention that comes with a nice butt and a big rack. I didn't have to get menstrual or cyclic or bitchy or have babies or wonder if my outfit made me look fat. Sure, I went the exploitation route, but what the hell, if guys like other guys dressed up in a tight skirt and a 5 o'clock shadow, then chin up ladies...there's hope for you all. Let your inner beauty shine, and nobody will care about all the chocolate you eat when no one's lookin'.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

I know I'm cheating and I probably post this song every spring, but what the hell? We need a reason to celebrate after the crappy winter.

VITAL STATS:

Bad news...had a follow-up appointment on my ankle yesterday. The doctor thinks it'll be another month before I can get around pain-free and without limping. Turns out I've got syndesmosis, which means the ligaments I tore when the fibula fractured and the ankle dislocated have healed into a thickened band, making movement a big issue. And looking at the x-ray that was taken yesterday and comparing it to the first x-ray with all the screws in my leg, it looks like the remaining bottom two screws are just below the surface of the skin. To quote the doc, "We'll be pushing this thing into the summer." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syndesmosis

Best wishes to blainecindy and her husband, and a hope for a much better May health-wise! Everyone should check out "Invalid Item" , which I did a feature for (shameless plug). And read the featured entries for the month...good stuff in there from other bloggers I wouldn't have known about were it not for our newsletter. When you're done, stop by "Blogging Bliss Newsletter Forum"  and let the editors know what you think...we're always looking for suggestions, ideas, and favorite pieces.

Ok y'all, that wraps things up for me. Be safe, don't talk to strangers or reply when they rant at you, peace, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!