Boy in the Shadows

Chapter Seven

“If you could look inside my heart


Then you would understand


I'd never mean to hurt you


Baby, I'm not that kind of man.”





- I'd Die For You, BON JOVI

The sight of the pill bottle was like a punch to the gut. Adam couldn't move, but just stare at the small orange container. Don't overreact, he told himself. It could be anything. Nothing. People had prescriptions for all kinds of things. Many of which were not serious.


         But the memory of two nights ago, Sam vomiting in the middle of the night...it reinforced the fear trying to cripple his mind. He went to the bed and picked up the bottle, turned it slowly in his fingers to read the label when Sam snatched it out of his hand.


         The kid grabbed his pack and stuffed the bottle back inside. His hands were trembling and fresh tears glistened in his eyes. He offered no explanation for the pills, and that frightened Adam even more.


         “Sam.” Adam's voice tightened fiercely. “Sam, what are those pills for?”


         Sam picked up the backpack. “Nothing.” He whispered, avoiding Adam's eyes.


         Adam gripped his arm again when he tried to turn away. “Sam.” He swallowed past a swelling lump in his throat. “Are you sick?” He trembled at the words spoken aloud. They were daggers stabbing at his heart, ripping him open. He couldn't take the thought of there being something seriously wrong with Sam.


         A tightness furrowed Sam's brow. He stared hard at his pack, refusing to look at Adam. His evasiveness was scaring Adam more and more by the moment.


         “Sam. Please.” Adam was barely holding his tears at bay. There was a pressure on his chest that felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on him. He wouldn't let go of the kid's arm. “What's going on? Why do you have those pills?”


         Sam licked his lips and swallowed thickly, the tears in his eyes shimmering and about to spill over. “Please just let me go, Adam.” His quiet voice was trembling and thick with emotion. “You have to let me go.” The wall of tears rippled then crashed down. “You have to forget about me.”


         Adam shook his head slowly. “No, Sam.” His insides were beginning to shake. “I will never forget about you. I'm not gonna try. You can't ask me to.”


         “I'm not asking, Adam.” Sam was crying softly. “I'm telling you. You have to.”


         Adam pulled him around facing him. He gripped his face and forced Sam to look at him. “What are the pills for, Sam?” He asked tightly. “If you're sick...then tell me. Please. You don't have to leave. I'll take care of you. I will.” He kissed Sam's mouth as a sob escaped him. “I'll take care of you. Whatever you need, I'll make sure you get it.”


         Tears rolled slowly down Sam's cheeks. “You can't...help me, Adam.” He whispered. “You can't...fix what's wrong with me.”


         This couldn't be happening. Adam fought to hold back the worst of his fears, unwilling and unable to accept the possible reality pressing at his mind. Sam could not be sick. Not like that. Adam had to be blowing this out of proportion. He had to be. But Sam's words and actions were scaring the hell out of him.


         “Sam...” Adam struggled to hold the shakes at bay, but the fear inside him was crippling him. “Tell me what's wrong...why do you need a prescription?” He gripped Sam's face firmly. “What the hell is it for?”


         Sam pulled away from him and turned his back, hugging his pack to his chest. He ducked his head, crying. Adam's head felt like someone had locked it in a vice and was slowly tightening it down. God, this couldn't be happening.


         Trying to gain control of his erratic emotions, Adam gripped Sam's shoulders and touched his face to the kid's hair. “You can't go, Sam.” His voice shook badly and lacked the strength he was going for. “If you're sick, you shouldn't be out there on the road, alone.” Adam's grip tightened and he squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his lips to the back of Sam's head. “I won't let you go out there.”


         “You can't make me stay.” Sam's quiet words were thick with tears and weighed down with emotion. “You can't, Adam.” Sam hugged his pack tighter against his chest and buried his face in the top of it, his body shuddering from sobs.


         Adam turned him around and jerked the pack from the kid's tight arms, tossing it on the floor beside the bed. He pulled Sam into his arms before he could object or resist. Adam crushed him in his embrace, his heart running wild in his chest. He kissed Sam's face with desperation as hot tears rushed from his eyes and smeared and mingled with Sam's tears.


         “I love you, Sam.” He cried against Sam's flushed, fevered cheek, then his lips, kissing him urgently. “I don't care if it's only been two days, I love you.” He kissed him harder, with greater passion. “You can't tell me not to love you, not to care about you.”


         Sam's fingertips clawed Adam's ribs through his shirt as he both struggled against and clung to the man, crying against Adam's mouth.


         Adam moved him to the bed and laid him down, still holding him in his arms. His kisses softened somewhat as Sam surrendered to his passion. The kid seemed exhausted, emotionally and mentally, as if he had finally reached the end of his rope, unable to fight against his feelings anymore. But Adam had no intention of taking advantage of Sam in his weakness...he just needed him to face his feelings for Adam. Maybe if he could just admit how he felt, he would stay, he would open up to Adam.


         Stroking his fingertips on Sam's face, Adam kissed his lips gently. He caressed away the kid's tears, though more instantly took their place. “I know you want to stay, Sam.” He whispered. “I know you're feeling what I'm feeling.” He gave him another soft kiss and more tears swelled in Sam's eyes and drained down his temples, wetting his golden locks. “Sam.” He touched his forehead to Sam's brow and closed his eyes, an ache clenching his chest. “I would never hurt you. You can talk to me...you can tell me anything.” He opened his eyes slowly and met Sam's beautiful clear gaze, glistening heavily with fresh tears. “You can tell me what's wrong, Sam...I promise, babe, I will still want you...still love you.”


         Adam felt the hard sob clutch Sam as  more tears swelled up fast in his lovely eyes so filled with fear and pain. His head began to shake slowly as more sobs shuddered through him. “No...you wouldn't.” He cried softly, so much hurt in his voice it ripped at Adam's heart. “Jase...said the same things.” Sam turned his head and squeezed his eyes shut, covering his face with his arm, crying harder. “He...” Sam shook harder under the force of his sobs, shoving his face into the crook of his arm.


         “Listen to me, Sam.” Adam was crying with him, his lips pressed to Sam's wet temple. His throat was tight and thick with tears, nearly too tight to speak, but he managed to choke out, “I'm not Jase. I'll never be Jase. He was just a teen boy who didn't even understand life yet.” Adam kissed Sam's temple, his cheek, pressed his face against his neck. “I'm a grown man, Sam...I know that life isn't always easy...that there's going to be struggles and hurdles and stumbling blocks thrown in our way.” He kissed his neck and cried harder against his warm skin. “Dammit, Sam.”


         Adam drew back and forced Sam's arm away from his face and made the kid look at him. He gripped Sam's face with both hands. “I love you, Sam.” He cried in frustration and desperation. “And I fucking know what that means!” His jaw clenched and he dropped his head to Sam's chest, trembling with sobs. “Don't make me pay for Jase's mistakes, Sam.” He choked out, lifting his head again. “I am not him.” He stroked his thumbs firmly over Sam's cheeks. “Look at me. Look in my eyes, Sam...what do you see? Am I lying to you? Am I?”


         Sam cried and tried to turn away but Adam held his head in place.


         “No.” Adam choked fiercely. “You look at me and tell me what you see. Tell me if I'm lying to you.”


         “Adam...” Sam trembled and gripped Adam's wrists. “Please...”


         Adam pressed his head to Sam's brow again and raked his fingers through the young man's soft, golden hair. His lips trembled against Sam's mouth.


         “Please what, Sam?”











The man's soft lips lingered against Sam's mouth. Resisting those lips was the hardest thing Sam had ever had to do. The heat of Adam's body against his own sent a fierce flush to his face that was quickly spreading throughout his body. He wanted Adam. He wanted him like he'd never wanted anyone in his life, even Jase. And there was no doubt Adam wanted him the same.


         There was tension in Adam's wrists as Sam gripped them firmly. Was he trying to pull Adam's hands away...or simply clinging to him? Sam wasn't sure. It was too hard to think straight with Adam this close, his warm lips on Sam's. He was begging Sam to look in his eyes and tell him what he saw. Sam knew what was in Adam's eyes. Love. Faithfulness. Honesty. Trust. He saw it clearly.


         But he'd seen the same things in Jase's eyes. He had been convinced, without a doubt, that Jase loved him enough, that the love couldn't be damaged or broken. But it had shattered in a single beat of Sam's heart.


         Adam believed he loved Sam. Believed nothing could make him stop loving him.


         Jase had believed that as well.


         There was nothing Sam wanted more than to believe Adam was different, that somehow being a man rather than a teenage boy made a difference, would make him see things in a different light. A more understanding light.


         But the depth of betrayal and pain he'd suffered at the hands of Jase...and the others...it was too much for Sam. He knew Adam was sincere. But it was a sincerity he couldn't make himself trust.


         “Sam.” Adam kissed him again and there was desperation in his kiss. Adam was desperate to make him stay, desperate for Sam to trust him, believe in his love for him. The pure anguish in the man seeped through his kiss and poured into Sam's heart and soul. He cried against Adam's mouth, wishing he could give the man everything he wanted. Sam wanted all the same things. He longed for those feelings of trust and faith. He wished to fall under their spell again, even if he got hurt in the end...just to feel that hope once more. To believe such impenetrable love existed.


         But he didn't know how to believe in it anymore. That night on the beach, and the days following...it had been ripped from him. Gutted out of him with the rusty blade of betrayal and hate. Now just an ugly wound remained. A wound that still gushed blood...and wasn't healing.


         A jagged hole that nothing could fill.


         Sam gripped Adam's wrists tighter and cried through their kiss, unable to stop himself from kissing Adam back. When Adam's mouth moved from his lips to his throat, Sam squeezed his eyes shut as hot tears forced out beneath his lashes and rushed down his temples. His grip on Adam's wrists loosened and he slid his hands up over Adam's as the man clutched Sam's head.


         “Oh god, Sam.” Adam shuddered fiercely, sobs shaking his body. “Stay with me. Just please...stay. I'll take care of you. I will, Sam.” He lifted his head and gazed at Sam, his eyes aching and flooded with tears. But the love he saw in Adam's eyes only ripped at the hole already inside him, tearing at the wound, making it bleed even more.


         Adam's hands flattened against Sam's face. “I swear I will always love you, Sam.” He said fiercely, his face tight with emotion. “I swear before God that nothing will make me stop loving you.”


         A sudden unexpected, unexplained fear gripped Sam.


         “I vow to God to love you always.” Adam cried through a clenched jaw.


         “No.” Sam trembled and shook his head, grabbing Adam's wrists again and this time trying to pull free of him. “No, Adam...don't...you don't know what you're saying.”


         “I do!” Adam insisted.


         “Stop it.” Sam cried. “Don't make vows to God, Adam...not over me...please, you can't.”


         Adam kissed him hard, shaking. “I already have.” His kiss softened. “I'm not afraid to lock myself into you, Sam...lock my heart into yours. Because with you is where I always want to be.” He hugged Sam's face against his throat and held him tight. “I don't know what it is you're not telling me, Sam. But if you're sick...I'll stay with you...through it all. I won't leave your side. I promise you, baby. I promise.”


         Sam wanted to scream at him to stop saying those things. Every word was like dagger being thrust through his heart. And he could feel every groove and nick of the blade as it cut through him, gouging the flesh of his heart. Adam thought the prescription pills meant he was sick...possibly terminally so. Adam feared he had AIDS, he could see it in the man's eyes. And still he wanted to be with Sam, knowing he may never be able to make love to him, knowing death would snatch him away. Would Jase have stayed, still loved him and wanted him as much if Sam's revelation had been that he had AIDS? If him and Jase could've never made love?


         Out of sheer love for Adam's willingness to want him and love him under such hopeless circumstances, Sam wrapped his arms around Adam's body and hugged him tight, crying against his shoulder, loving the man for everything Sam knew he was, wishing his heart was in the condition to accept it and believe in it. But though Sam's mind knew Adam was all he said and more...his damaged heart cowered in the corner, hiding it's bruised and beaten face for fear of more lies and betrayal. More torture and torment.


         Past experience was a hard teacher...but effective.


         One never forgot the lessons.











His sneakers squeaked on the hard, ugly green, pepper sprinkled tile as he walked down the hall. Though his head was ducked, his eyes down, he knew they were staring. Some snickered, others whispered. And then there were those who just looked at him as if he were from another planet. But in none of the stares or glares did he sense understanding, or even the willingness to try and understand. It seemed much easier for others to just pull away, reject, ridicule what didn't make sense to them, perhaps even frightened them for whatever reason.


         Barely two days ago, Sam had walked these halls with Jase and his friends. Though Sam had always been quiet and didn't really put himself out there socially, he'd been embraced nonetheless...because he was with Jase. Every time Jase had taken his hand and walked Sam through the halls, Sam had received looks of envy...mostly from the jealous girls who had failed to draw the eye and steal the heart of the cutest guy in school. A little piece of Sam had felt a great pride that he was the one at Jase's side, in that place where so many others longed to be. But mostly, he just felt gratitude, and deeply blessed.


         But as he walked the hall now, all of that felt like another lifetime. Perhaps just a sweet dream he had finally awaken from to find it had never happened and the reality he existed in was a bitter, painful place.


         He could hear them following him. Two at least, maybe three. He didn't turn to see who they were, but their presence twisted his gut into an even tighter knot, causing a sudden, severe nausea to swell up. He cut into the restroom as the loud bell screeched through the hallways, shoving the door open and walking to the sink at the far end. He dropped his pack on the floor and turned on the cold water and scooped handfuls into his mouth then gripped the edge of the sink, half bent over, staring down into the basin. He closed his eyes and drew in deep breaths to try and dispel the sick feeling swirling in his stomach. A cool sweat beaded his forehead and for a moment, his head felt light and dizziness swept through him.


         Sam gripped the sink more fiercely, trying to force away the dizzy feeling. To his relief, it passed. The cold sweats abated, along with most of the nausea. When he looked at his reflection, tears streaked his face and his skin was pale. His clear eyes had a haunted look he'd never seen in them before...as if he had died and was now staring at his own ghost.


         He felt dead. The life ripped out of him. His heart eradicated. He hurt so bad inside he didn't know how he was even moving, breathing, existing at all. After losing Jase last night, and what the other boys had come so close to doing to him...all Sam could think about was escaping this life. If it weren't for Braden, he knew he wouldn't be alive today. But he could never destroy his brother that way. If he took his own life, he might be free of the pain and torment...but Braden's would only be starting. And Braden loved him enough that he would never get over losing Sam in such a way, surely blaming himself for not being able to help Sam cope with what life had dumped on him. If one of them had to suffer, Sam would accept the burden. Braden had given up enough for him already. He wasn't going to pay him back by killing himself and propelling Braden into a life of pain and despair.


         The bathroom door shoved open and Sam tensed. He just stared at his reflection, but he could still see the boys in his peripheral vision. Three of them. He recognized them as some who often hung at the outer edges of Jase's group. Had they been at the beach last night? Sam didn't know who had all been there.


         As the boys approached, Sam lowered his head and stares at the sink. More tears spilled from his eyes. The weight of their stares nearly drove him to his knees. Struggling to hold his panic at bay, he reached down slowly and grabbed his pack. Ducking his head, avoiding eye contact, he tried to walk around the boys but they formed a wall and prevented his escape.


         “Please.” Sam whispered, his voice trembling. “Let me by.”


         The kid who seemed to be in charge, a tall husky boy who Sam thought was named Vic, stepped forward. Sam stepped back. “We didn't get to finish partying last night, Sam.” The boy spoke low, and Sam immediately recognized his voice as the boy from the beach who had nearly...


         Sam's throat closed so suddenly the dizziness returned in an instant. Tears rose up and flooded his eyes. He ducked his head down against his pack, squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “No...leave me alone.”


         Vic reached out, ripped the pack from Sam's grasp and threw it away, then shoved Sam hard against the wall. Sam gasped as the wind was partially knocked out of him. He was suddenly pinned to the wall by Vic's strong body. Sam cried and tried to shove him away, but the kid was like a brick wall.


         His panic kicking in, Sam cried out and started shoving and kicking.


         “Grab him!” Vic yelled at the other two boys.


         “No!” Sam screamed when his arms were caught and held tight. He couldn't breathe as his fear and panic skyrocketed. His widened in horror when Vic stepped back and began unfastening his pants.


         “Turn him around.”


         Sam screamed again when the two boys spun him around and shoved him face first into the hard wall. “Let me go!” Sam cried, trying to breathe as his throat closed and chest tightened. “Please! Let me go!”


         Vic's strong hand grabbed the back of his neck and pinned his face against the wall. “Do it.” Vic told one of the other boys, and then hands were grabbing at Sam's pants, dragging them down his legs.


         “No!” Sam screamed shrill, crying and gasping hard. “Please! Stop!” He could feel Vic behind, fumbling with the front of his pants, shoving them down. Sam began to suck for air as his panic squeezed his throat fully closed. Then all he felt was pain, paralyzing his body as Vic forced himself inside him.


         “This is what you want, faggot.” Vic panted hard, his hot breath puffing against the back of Sam's head. “Then this is what you get.”





* * * * * *





The memory spun around and around inside Sam's head, replaying again and again. He didn't realize he was hugging Adam so tight, so desperately, until he began to register the severe ache in his arms and shoulders. He was crying against Adam's shoulder, his mouth pressed hard to the man's firm trap muscle.


         The three boys had each taken their turn raping him. No one had come in. No one heard him screaming. No one had come to his rescue. When the boys were finally through with him, they left him there on the cold floor, his body racked with pain and bleeding from their violent invasions. Sam had crawled into the nearest stall, vomited in a toilet that smelled like old urine, then crammed himself into the corner of the stall and prayed for God to kill him.


         Sam was shaking beneath Adam's warm body, his fingers digging fiercely into Adam's back, clutching at him. He had to go. He had to get away. But his arms wouldn't let go.


         “Sam?” Adam's mouth was close to his ear, murmuring his name. “Sam, what's wrong...why are you shaking?” Adam pulled back, forcing Sam's arms to loosen their death grip. He looked down into Sam's face, rubbed his cheeks with his palms, kissed his lips. “Sam, you're scaring me. I can't help you if you won't tell me what's wrong.”


         As if suddenly catching his breath and propelling back to reality, Sam gasped around a choking sob and pushed Adam off him, scrambling off the bed. His breath was erratic and labored as he moved unsteadily then grabbed up his pack off the floor.


         Adam came off the bed in a hurry, blocking his way to the door. Sam was crying and he couldn't stop the force of his tears. “Get out of my way, Adam.”


         “No.” Adam grabbed his face with both hands. “You're not leaving like this, Sam. I won't let you!”


         Sam jerked his head free of Adam's hands. “Don't you get it?” Sam cried fiercely, choking on his words. “I don't want to be here! I don't want to be with you!” He shoved at Adam, forcing past him. He grabbed the door and pulled it open, then froze momentarily. He couldn't look at Adam, couldn't let him see how these words were ripping him apart inside.


         “Don't do this, Sam.” Adam was crying, being cut open by Sam's declaration.


         Sam gripped the door knob, his knuckles whitening from the pressure. He shook with sobs as he stared at the floor through a wall of tears and nearly choked to death on his next words - “I don't love you, Adam...I never will.”


         He felt the words blast through Adam and blow apart his heart. Or maybe it was his own heart he was feeling...shattering into a million pieces by the horrifying lie.


         As if calling his bluff, Adam trembled, “I don't believe you, Sam.” Sobs shuddered through him. “You're lying.”


         Sam closed his eyes then opened them slowly. Still, he couldn't look at Adam. “Believe what you want, Adam.” Sam whispered as his insides began to shake. He left the bedroom and walked quickly down the hall, half expecting Adam to grab at any moment, refuse to let him leave, insist that Sam tell him the truth.


         That he does want to stay.


         That he does want to be with him.


         That he loves Adam...more than he could ever love another man again in his life.


         But he didn't come after him, he didn't stop him.


         Adam let him go.