Boy in the Shadows

Chapter Nine

“I know a man's not supposed to feel this way


But things they got too real I couldn't stay


Now I know one day we will both feel good


If I could be with you, you know I would.”





- I Don't Wanna Cry For You, PETE YORN

When Adam stepped back to the bedroom doorway, all was silent. Had he really heard the song playing? If so, where could it have been coming from? He looked in the room. Everything was as he´d left it.


         He rubbed his eyes and raked his fingers through his hair. Had Sam's leaving caused him to go over the edge? He was beginning to think so. If he had imagined music...why that song? He might be gay, but the sound of music was not his preferred movie of choice.


         ¨You're losing it, man.¨ He muttered and walked away from the bedroom.


         ´Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue...´


         Adam stopped short. What in the hell? He moved quickly back to the bedroom and stepped inside. Confused tension tightened his face.  He looked slowly around the room. There wasn't so much as a radio. Nothing that could even play music.


         ´And the dreams that you dare to dream...really do come true...´


         Adam went to the bed and dropped to his knees, thrusting his hand under the edge. He withdrew a small cell phone and stared at it as it lay silent in his palm. A notification of two new voice mails blinked on the tiny screen. His hands shaking, he flipped open the phone and pressed Listen Now. But when the automated voice asked for a PIN, Adam pressed the end button and the screen jumped back to the main window.


         ¨Sam...¨ A sudden well of tears rose up in Adam's eyes as he stared at a photo of himself on the background of Sam's phone. A photo of him in bed, asleep. Sam had to have come into his room in the middle of the night and taken the picture. Had it been anyone else, it might have creeped him out. But this was Sam. And as he stared at the photo, nestled in a frame of pink and red hearts, Adam got the answer he was seeking.


         Sam loved him. He hadn't run away because he didn't want to be here, because he didn't love Adam. He had run for other reasons. Reasons that terrified him. And now he was out there on the road, alone.


         Adam pressed the menu button then clicked on Contacts. There were only two contacts listed. Braden. And Adam.


         The tears drained down Adam's face. Sam hadn't meant to leave his phone behind. It had to have fallen out of the pack when Adam tossed it on the floor. Adam stared at his name, typed into Sam's contact list. His number beneath his name. Sam hadn't been leaving cold. He'd been planning to take Adam's contact information with him. Keeping a line open. Not really just letting go and walking away. For whatever reasons, Sam thought he had to leave. But he hadn't been meaning to leave empty handed.


         But the phone was here...and not with Sam. And the thought of Sam out there with no way of calling for help if he needed it...crippled Adam's mind.


         Adam wiped at his face, stuffed the phone in the front pocket of his jeans and left the bedroom in a rush. He grabbed his denim jacket off a hook by the door and nearly sprinted from the house to his truck.











Get up. Keep moving.


         Sam sat unmoving. The small parking area out front of the roadside restrooms was dark, empty. The cold brick wall of the alcove was hard against his back. On the other side of the alcove, thick woods pressed up against the rear side of the restrooms.


         How long had he been sitting there? He didn't know. His legs felt unwilling to go on. But he had no choice. He couldn't go back.


         Sam pressed his head against the hard stone wall and closed his eyes. He saw Adam at home, in the living room, a warm fire glowing in the fireplace. He could see Adam in bed, asleep, his handsome face relaxed and beautiful...as it was the night Sam had taken the picture with his phone. He hadn't meant to invade Adam's privacy. He'd gotten up to go the bathroom and noticed Adam's door partially open. It had been on impulse that he'd approached Adam's bedroom and just stood there in the doorway, watching the man sleep.


         That fateful night on the beach with Jase, Sam remembered thinking Jase was the most beautiful boy he had ever laid eyes on. But standing there in Adam's bedroom doorway...Sam knew he would never again look on a man as beautiful and perfect as Adam. He couldn't take the thought of leaving there without even one picture of the man to carry with him. He had gotten his phone and taken the picture.


         Sam's eyes burned. Now he didn't even have that. His phone was gone. Perhaps lost along the road somewhere. And losing the picture felt as if he had lost Adam all over again.


         He rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes and sniffed, struggling against the persistent tears. He had to get up, get going. There was still a long way to go and he needed to cover as much ground as possible to get out of distance of Adam. He still felt too close. The point of no return was still up ahead, he hadn't crossed it yet, he could feel it. The danger was still there. The danger of turning around. Every second, he had to fight the voice in his head telling him to go back. He was certain the further he got away from Adam, the quieter the voice would become. Because he needed it to stop, needed it shut up and leave him in peace. It made him weak, constantly having to resist it, battle it. It weakened him because his heart wasn't in the fight. It should have been. His heart should have been his strongest ally. But for reasons he didn't understand...he was only fighting the voice half hearted. And that wasn't enough to win the war.


         Sam shoved his back against the alcove wall and slowly pushed himself up onto his feet. He grabbed his pack off the concrete walk. When he pulled it up, the strap caught on a short piece of metal pipe jutting out of the wall near the bottom, and jerked the pack from his hand. He swore tightly as it flipped the pack upside down and dropped it hard on the concrete again.


         “Dammit.” Sam hissed and knelt down, unhooking the strap. He glanced at the flap of the pack. The top of the prescription bottle poked out, nearly having fell out again. Plucking the bottle from the pack, Sam sat down again and stared at it. A pale, weak bulb in the roof over the alcove barely lent enough light for Sam to read the tiny type-print on the bottle.


         His fingers twisted the bottle slowly as he stared at it blankly. Why was he still taking them? To some degree they were beneficial...but they weren't curing anything. He closed his eyes and pressed his head against the cold, hard wall. An image of Jase rose behind his eyes. The boy had destroyed Sam that night on the beach. In many ways, Sam hated him for it. Hated  him for abandoning him to the other boys. But had Jase known what they would do? Had he really? Would he have even cared enough to stop them?


         Those were questions Sam would never know the answers to. Perhaps he didn't want to know. Somehow, it helped to believe there was a chance Jase wouldn't have allowed it. He didn't want to believe that the first boy he had given his heart to, who he had loved so completely...could just turn off his own love like a switch just because...


         Because what? Sam swallowed thickly and the tears tried to come back. Jase's reaction might have destroyed Sam...but he had crushed Jase as well. He'd only seen Jase at school a couple more times before the kid left and never came back. But those couple times he had seen him...Jase had looked right through him like he wasn't there. But Sam wondered if he saw anyone anymore after that night on the beach. When Sam looked at him, the phrase dead man walking came to mind.


         A part of Jase had died that night too. And it had died at Sam's hand. Despite the pain and betrayal and humiliation he'd suffered from Jase, it had broken Sam's heart even more that he had caused the boy he loved so much of his own pain.


         He shouldn't have told him. He could have hidden it. Jase had loved him. Sam was with the boy of his dreams. Why had he said anything? It made no sense to him now. There were some things even the one you loved didn't need to know. Some things you couldn't expect them to understand. Why had he told Jase?


         Sam opened his eyes and tears slid down his cold face. A sob stuck in his throat and he tried to force it down. Was it really Jase he was crying over...or the reality that the events of the past could never be repeated with Adam. He could not do to Adam what he had done to Jase. He refused to do so. Though Adam had only been in his life a couple days, he had already gripped Sam's heart, his very life, in a way Jase never had. He had loved Jase with the love of a boy. But he loved Adam with the love of a man.


         Clearing his throat and wiping his eyes again, Sam stared at the pill bottle. Had he really thought they were some kind of miracle pills that could save him?


         Sam's pulse quickened and his face tightened. He clenched his jaw as a strangled cry swelled in his throat then burst out of him. He threw the bottle hard against the brick wall of the restroom. The cap snapped off and pills flew through the air, scattering all over the concrete walk.


         “Fuck it!” Sobs choked Sam as he crawled to his feet and grabbed his pack, swiping fiercely at his eyes. The stupid fucking pills weren't going to change a damn thing. Nothing could change anything.


         Sam shouldered his pack as another sob escaped him. The night swam and blurred before him as he walked away from the restrooms.


         If the situation with Adam had been the same as with Jase...Sam might have just done with Adam what he should have done with Jase. Not tell him a damn thing. Anything to just be with Adam.


         Sam sniffed and wiped his eyes again as he headed for the road.


         Things weren't the same with Adam, though.


         They weren't the same at all.











The night seemed to speed by in a flash of darkness, but Adam felt like he was sitting still. His foot steadily shoved the gas pedal closer and closer to the floor. He gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles whitened and began to ache. The bright headlights reached out and swept the sides of the road and Adam's hard, narrowed eyes searched every inch of the night the headlights lit up.


         “Come on, Sam.” He groaned tightly. “Where are you?”


         How far had the kid made it? He'd been gone since about seven-thirty that morning, about fourteen hours. How far could he have gone in that time? About thirty miles? Maybe more at a faster pace? And if he had caught a ride...


         Adam swallowed thickly and shook his head. He didn't believe Sam would accept another ride. Not after all that had happened with him and Adam. No, Sam was still on foot. And Adam would find him. He would. He had to.


         And he had to do so before Sam took a route that would leave Adam with a cold trail.


         He released the steering wheel with one hand and rested it against the front pocket of his jeans, felt the lump of the cell phone. But he had the phone. He had Braden's number. As long as he had the phone, there would be a trail to follow – even if he had to drive all the way to Idaho. He would find Sam. And somehow – somehow – he would make him understand he belonged with Adam, that he needed to come home...and stop running.


         Tears streaked Adam's face. When had he started to cry? Or had he even really stopped since Sam walked out?


         He sniffed and shifted in his seat, casting a quick glance upwards. “Ok, God...I know I accused you of not caring. But you set me straight, so...can we move past that and focus on the problem at hand?”


         Again, God didn't answer.


         “Well.” Adam murmured as he watched the road ahead with strained eyes. “I'll take your silence as a note of compliance. So how about helping me find Sam?” Adam's face tightened and flexed as he fought the fear that Sam may not be headed home to Braden. If he went somewhere else...how the hell would he ever locate him?


         Adam drew in a deep breath and released it slow. “Sorry, Lord.” He mumbled. “Don't mean to show a lack of faith. But I could use some fuel for my faith. A sign.” He pressed his lips together. “A bread crumb even?”


         The pickup's headlights splashed across a metal, green roadside sign with white lettering informing motorists of a rest area ½ mile ahead.


         Adam shook his head. “I kind of meant a figurative sign.” He said quietly. Whoever accused God of not having a sense of humor hadn't had much dealings with Him.


         Literal sign or not, though, when Adam came to the turnoff to the rest area, he slowed the truck and took the turn. Sam could be here. Anything was possible. And he didn't believe in leaving any stone unturned. Not when it came to finding Sam.


         He parked the truck in front of the small restroom building. There were no other cars, and the only light was an extremely dull glow from two bare bulbs that had been screwed into the light sockets outside each of the restrooms on either side of the brick building.


         Adam stepped out of the truck, glancing around anxiously. Other than the dull lights, the place was dark, especially back in the thick trees behind the restrooms. A few picnic table sat empty and alone, silhouettes on the dark grassy, unkept lawn that stretched away from either side of the restroom building.


         The place was a bit creepy, even to Adam. He couldn't imagine Sam hanging out here for very long, not after the unease he showed with the storm and electricity going out last night.


         Adam kept a keen lookout all around him as he walked up the gravel path to the front of the brick building then stepped up on the concrete walk that stretched around to the doors of both restrooms. He turned to his left and followed the walk around the edge of the building. A tall brick wall created an alcove outside the Men's restroom. Adam headed for the door to the bathroom then faltered when something crunched beneath his shoes.


         The light from the bulb wasn't great but it was enough for him to see the pills scattered all around. He frowned and moved slowly towards the restroom door. His foot kicked something small and light, and he glanced down at the empty prescription bottle rolling away from him.


         Adam's face tightened as he squatted down and picked up the bottle. He squinted in the bad lighting but could still make out the name on the bottle. Connor, Sam.


         “Sam?” Adam's throat tightened and he stood up quick, looking around, eyes narrow and searching. He shoved open the door to the bathroom and searched the three stalls inside. There was no other sign of the kid.


         Adam walked quickly around to the other bathroom and checked in it as well. No stone unturned. He returned to the front of the building and searched the dark lawn and trees beyond. He looked at the empty bottle again, but it was too dark in front of the building for him to read the tiny lettering. He went to his truck and opened the door, scooting in behind the wheel. He left the door open and read the bottle in the light of the cab.


         He stared at the name of the prescription. His heart beat hard and slow in his chest. Hard enough to send a tremor through his body. Then it began to speed up, to dangerous levels. His head felt dizzy and he gripped the steering wheel with his free hand. His entire body felt like one huge pounding heartbeat. The tears came on fast and in a flood.


         Adam slid out of the truck and leaned against the side, drawing in deep breaths of the cold night air, clearing his head. He bent over, gripping his knees, drawing in more breaths. Tears dripped off his face in a steady stream and splattered against the paved parking lot.


         “Sam...” He choked out, then coughed on a fierce sob. He straightened up slowly and leaned back against the truck as more sobs hit him. Everything was falling into place fast. All the missing pieces coming together in his mind. But coming too fast. He couldn't think, couldn't compute the picture it was forming.


         Adam pushed away from the truck and took an unsteady step forward as he searched the grounds again. “Sam!” He cried out thickly as his body shook with sobs. He turned in a slow circle, tears running down his face.


         “SAM!”











When Sam came to the railroad tracks, he cut off away from the road and followed the tracks. It was an old railway, no longer in use. Grass and weeds grew up through the ties and over the rusted metal rails. The moonlight pressed against the rain clouds from behind, and fell weakly to the tracks, allowing just enough light for Sam to carefully gage his path.


         The pack continued to drag heavily on his shoulder, but his muscles were growing numb from the ache. He shifted the pack and stepped from tie to tie, watching his feet. The hairs at the nape of his neck prickled a little as he ventured further down the tracks and away from the road. A wall of evergreens rose up between the tracks and the road until the road was no longer visible.


         The urge to constantly look behind him was strong with Sam, but he knew it was just irrational fears. No one was out here with him. No one coming up behind him. He was alone.


         Alone. The word had never sounded so cold and empty as it did now. Sam had never really fully grasped the deep meaning of the word until this moment. Adam was gone, no longer a part of his life. Already in his past, though it had been less than twenty-four hours since Sam had left him. But it may as well have been twenty-four years. Adam was behind him and...emptiness was all that lay ahead.


         His thoughts struggled to run to Adam like a frightened child, crawl into his strong arms, cuddle up to his warm body...but Sam forced them away from that direction. As good as it felt to get lost in thoughts of Adam, it would only ultimately make the pain of losing him even worse. He had to put him out of his mind. But some things were easier said than done, and so Sam continued to fight his thoughts and where they longed to be.


         When he came to the old railroad bridge, Sam slowed and stopped in the center. He walked slowly to the edge, gripped one of the beams and looked down. Blackness stared back up at him, seeping into his soul, consuming him. Tears were dripping off his face though he didn't remember crying.


         The pack slid off his shoulder and he dropped it on the edge of the tracks. He sank down weakly and clung to the beam, gazing down into the dark abyss below. It seemed an endless pit of blackness. And for brief moment, he wanted to be in it. Just fall into its embrace and let it swallow him up. Erase him.


         Sam leaned his head against the thick beam and cried softly as he looked over the edge.


         “God...why did you do this to me?” His body trembled from sobs as he squeezed his eyes shut and more tears drained down his cold cheeks. “Why don't you love me?” His question fell from his lips and floated away into the night, a lonely whisper on the wind.


         Sam opened his eyes slowly and gazed down into the blackness, felt it reaching for him, beckoning him, promising him comfort and rest from a world that didn't want him.


         It hurts too much...I don't want to be here anymore.


         Tears wove curving paths down his face, warming his chilled skin.


         Just let it be over.