Down the Rabbit Hole

Before My Eyes

My daughter is growing into a little lady before my eyes. Every day she leaves more and more of the toddler world behind her and embraces more of those things that make her such an amazing, growing girl. She surprises me with the vastness of what she comprehends, how much she absorbs and perceives. Jaden is still not a big talker but when she does engage you in conversations, she is clear and detailed, showing an exceptional command of vocabulary. She has a great interest in words and in languages. We've had to move on to more complex stories. I am both amazed and delighted when she smiles at the end of book and I realize she's got the nuances of a story that I might have assumed was just a little too advanced. She doesn't talk much, but she listens intently. She may not always participate with her lessons but she retains and repeats the activities later. She remains very shy but she is not aloof. She may not want to be the center of attention but she wants to be an engaged observer and for now, I think that's fine. I don't see her being a wallflower for very long. There are moments when she seems to rebel against herself, singing and dancing in the aisles at home depot or dancing around and playing peekaboo at her piano teacher's house. Then, after a few minutes of letting loose, all willy-nilly, the seriousness comes back and she is once again her reserved and quiet self.

She wants to be with me all the time. She readily wants to help me with whatever I am doing. Last night she washed the dishes with me, standing on a kitchen chair, her arms covered in suds to her elbows. I catch her mimicking my actions, the way I talk on the phone, the way I make the bed or talk to the dogs...even more subtle things like the way I brush my hair or the way I sit on the couch with my legs folded under me. My little mini-me but so much more. Jaden sings now a little louder each car ride, enjoying the sound of her own voice mixing with the rhythems she enjoys. She wants to show me her invented dance moves, predicating each one with "Mom, look what I can do..". Her play has become more intricate too. Her dolls now interact with each other, switching her voices to mimic conversations between them. She has left behind those flashing, talking toddler toys in favor of puzzles, barbie dolls and Legos. Her artwork has become thoughtful and deliberate, not the formless slash and dash of color it was before. She works to create something now, something recognizable if only to her.

She will be four in January and I both fear and expect by that time she will no longer bear any resemblance to the toddler she was. On the rare occasion she raises her arms to me and asks me to pick her up, I heft her weight in my arms knowing sadly that all too soon this part of her and I will be passed. Soon she will want to walk everywhere and being carried will become a necessary annoyance rather than something she seeks. She will spend more and more of the each night in her own bed and there will be more mornings that I wake up alone, without her little leg thrown over my hip, or her tiny fingers wrapped around mine. I have loved watching her develop through these young years but it is bittersweet to leave them behind us. I will miss so much about this time but I know that I have so much more amazing moments in the years to come. I might not be completely ready to leave the toddler years behind, but Jaden seems to be racing forward.

There are so many beautiful moments about motherhood but none more so than when she tells me she loves me, randomly without prompting, just because she feels it in her heart. Then, this weekend she told me that I was her best friend and I melted. And the truth is, that- wonderful-reason-for-living truth is, that she is mine too.