Amygdalia's Blog

Holiday party with an introvert

I am an introvert. There’s no question about it. I always have been. I don’t do well in large groups. I am utterly overwhelmed when placed in a room filled with people, particularly when they’re all taller than I am (which would be just about every room except for perhaps an elementary school classroom). I tend to be an observer when in large groups, because I have always struggled to insert myself appropriately into conversations. Loud noises and crowds overwhelm me and give me anxiety.

And yet. Every year, I look forward with great anticipation to our annual holiday party. The house, filled with people, all talking and laughing at the same time. Children running around making a cacophony of sounds (okay, that part I’m never thrilled with, to be honest). Room after room, cluster after cluster, conversation after conversation. And I love it.

So I’ve been pondering what it is that makes our holiday party different than every other social occasion in which I participate.

I think there are several things that make it stand out for me – first, the sense of being surrounded by the people I care about – the people who care about me. As alone as I might feel at other times of the year, during our holiday party I know that each of those people chose to spend their time with my family and myself. It’s a wonderful feeling. Particularly now that we’ve moved, although it truly has always felt this way. The holidays are such a difficult time to be 3,000 miles away from home. We have cultivated many new friendships in California, and this year I had the opportunity to introduce many of them to my dad and stepmom, who are visiting and were at our party on Saturday evening. It was such a joy to share our friends with them.

I also think that there’s a sense of control over the situation. My friends, my home, my recipes. Creating the setting and the foods, preparing favorite recipes and finding new ones to add to the menu, and turning my home into the perfect party location. Finding ways to turn the evening into something that everyone who steps through the door will enjoy.

And perhaps, as well, it’s the sense that as much as I dislike the cold and winter, and tend to be somewhat of a Scrooge when it comes to the winter holidays, this is our tradition – this is what we have chosen to do, molded into our own blending of winter holidays, and share with the people we care about. It’s a warm ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak winter, for me. The Hanukkah candles and the Christmas tree, shining brightly and welcoming everyone into our home and our holiday.

In my home, everyone gathers around while we light the Hanukkah candles. I don’t have the sense that I always had as a child of being so very different, so very odd in comparison to my friends who all celebrated Christmas. Yes, for some people who attend our party for the first time, this is also their first time experiencing the lighting of the menorah. But that’s all right. They usually express gratitude to me for allowing them to share in the tradition, and for teaching them something. This year I marveled at just how many voices I heard in the room, singing along with the blessings as we lit the candles.

I also have to mention how very fortunate I feel that we have friends who travel from across the country every single year to join us for our holiday party. It is difficult to feel sad and lonely when I know I have such people in my life.

The day I suggested to my husband that we begin the annual tradition of our holiday party was an excellent day, indeed. I am already thinking about the next one.