Amygdalia's Blog

There's no place for hate in the holidays

I saw a Facebook post from a friend of Dr B’s, a few days ago. This friend had traveled across the country to be with her mother and two little brothers for Christmas. No reason other than the mother’s unstable mental health was mentioned for the reason, but Dr B’s friend was writing from a train station, having been kicked out of her mother’s home, and disowned. At Christmas. After traveling across the country to be there.

I know this person. She is a PROFOUNDLY GOOD person. Every time I see her Facebook wall, she’s raising money for another charity, doing a bike race or other competition. Last year she traveled to Haiti to work with the displaced children, and she’s returning again this year.

So what, I wonder, could possibly cause a mother to disown such a remarkable young adult? I don’t know her whole story, but I’m going to make a small mental leap and an assumption, knowing her and knowing that she and Dr B have much in common. Perhaps I am incorrect. In the end, it does not matter, because this blog is about all people who find themselves in that position, at this time of year or any other time of year.

Whether R’s sexuality or gender fluidity are in any way related to the reason she was forcibly ejected from her little brothers’ lives or not, there are so many people that live that particular nightmare.

Parents, grandparents, life-long friends – how devastating it can be to find out that these people do not in fact love you unconditionally . . . but quite definitely with strongly delineated conditions. Why does this happen? People do not understand, people cannot accept, people point to antiquated belief systems that back up their hatred and their justification for turning their backs on someone they thought to love forever.

Tough love? Give me a break. You will NEVER change who someone is by giving them an ultimatum. The only thing that accomplishes is crushing fragile spirits, and destroying budding new lives and selfhoods.

Dr B thanks me quite often for being an amazing mom. While that means the world to me . . . I simply cannot fathom being any other way. Acceptance, encouragement, and unconditional love – those are the foundations for healthy futures.

We cannot eliminate things we do not understand from the world, simply by eliminating them from our lives. How much better it would be to embrace the unique footprint that each of us has on this world, and open our minds to the opportunity to learn something vital.