Just Be There Blog

A Reason to Smile today

January 6, 2014 at 9:58am

Tonight while looking through past text docs on my old computer, I found a letter I had written to my last life partner after she decided she no longer could share in my life.

WOW! was I confused. Well, actually...I find that I am still confused. In nearly every other paragraph I ask her, "Why have you left?"

After eleven years, I still don't understand 'what I did' or if she had ever really wanted me to share her life. I was then and am now upon looking back left with the 'feeling' she had lied about how she had ever felt about me.


I form the question in several different ways but every time I ask, it amounted to the same thing.

The first line of the second paragraph I write, 'I do not understand everything that has driven the wedge between us.' Then I end the paragraph with, 'Was I wrong to believe you had wanted me in your life?'

The fourth paragraph I ask, 'Did I somehow convince you that you never mattered to me?' I end the paragraph with, 'Did we simply never really have a bond that would tie us together for better or worse?'

In the fifth paragraph I state, 'I can believe (for a brief time) it is my fault that you are gone when I conjure up an answer that fits the state of our relationship today; but, it always comes down to the fact that these conjurations are my answers and none of them are yours.'

Then in the eighth paragraph, just before the close of the letter, I write, 'I don't know why I love you, but I remember when I realized I did. I know the exact moment when my heart betrayed me. But, love is more than a moment or even a series of moments. When love comes alive there is no reasoning with it. From my present perspective, love is a hopeless insanity that brings only pain. I had believed with all the joy I felt, with all my soul, if you will allow me that expression...I believed I had finally found someone who understood and accepted me; who had the strength and the desire to withstand and balance my failings; and who had the endurance and the will to fight for and work with me to overcome our trials together.'

And finally, I end the letter with, 'I don't know what to say when the question comes up why we have gone our separate ways. I am sorry if I hurt you, I wish I knew how I have hurt you. Maybe, I am over thinking the circumstances or maybe I'm trying too hard to find an answer where one just doesn't exist. I wish you would tell me if you know why. Could you tell me if you ever really loved me? This not knowing is more than I can endure sometimes. It doesn't help, but I still love you as much today as I did ten years ago.'

I wrote this letter in October of 2002. My significant other had packed up and moved out around April. It is now 2014 and I still have no resolution to any of my questions. I have accepted there is no future fairy tale ending and have resolved to live my life without a companion. The thing that really sobers me to today's reality is I still love her as deeply as I did the first time the feeling hit me in 1992. I obviously love the ghost of who I believed she was to begin with, and not really her. But that knowledge doesn't change my world, does it? The sad thing is, since she abandoned 'us', I've not had the will to write. What used to flow freely from my fingers I now have to force and trick and bribe to get scenes, character descriptions, plots and interactions onto paper. When my love was joyful and secure writing was joyful and prolific. Every-so-often I get a glimmer of that part of my past. When I feel the pressure to write and when I keep the images even after I sit in the chair with the blank page, I capture for a brief moment what I use to feel and when the flurry fades I smile with wonder as I read what I've put to page, that I truly accomplished a creative purge. I live for those moments. I'm constantly looking for those inspirational triggers that will allow me to express my inner self. There is no joy compared to when I am free flowing words onto the page; even if it amounts to only a short sentence, or a paragraph. As long as I am able to write and smile while writing, that is enough to lift my spirits.

Well, it is past my bedtime...today is a work day and I must get some sleep.

Have a good Day and know I am smiling because I was able to put more than a sentence of creative expression to the page. The beginning and the ending of this blog is all new and original expressions never written or thought of before tonight (this morning)...