Who do I still think I am??

This one's about why not and where.

30DBC PROMPT: "Write about a silly impulse buy that you only regretted after bringing it home. What made you think it was a good idea?"

What's up y'all? I figured I'd stop by and waste a few minutes of your time by coming up with a "Funny Friday" post for the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" , since I've pretty much done all of absolutely nothing so far this fine day. I'm not gonna lie; this prompt is harder than it looks because not only is it supposed to be funny, but rare is the occasion that I actually commit to buying something I'll later find myself regretting...I prefer to live with the choices I make, even when I'm less than plussed by them. Please allow me a few extra moments of reflection on this topic, as it is my authorial credibility we're also laying on the line.

This goes beyond an article of clothing that looks great in the store but not on your person, or the cd that you've been excited about buying for weeks only to be disappointed by its suckage. I've never purchased an animal for enjoyment (or any other reason), nor dropped serious cash on a rat-infested vacation property. And no, I'm not going to reminisce over every single bad haircut I've ever paid more than $15 for on a whim (and yes, there were plenty). Instead, I'll share with you the single worst case of near-immediate buyer's remorse I've ever had the pleasure pain of experiencing: hamburgers. Hear me through and please, don't interrupt.

I was living on my own for the first time many years ago, and I had recently purchased my first (non-gas) grill. I had a cute little patio, and I was going to throw a little summertime cookout. I should note that if you ever plan on doing something like that, don't wait until you're actually going to do it to invite people over...it's a bad look when you say you wanna have a party and nobody can come because, well, it's just too last minute.

The only people that came over were my sister and her boyfriend at the time. I had spent the afternoon cleaning and cozying up with my date, a bottle of Crown Royal. Needless to say, my inexperience at hosting shindigs was showing, in direct proportion to my guests' boredom. Also, my drunken lack of common sense was on full display next to my enthusiasm regarding my charcoal grill...which wasn't your simple hobo hibachi, but more like a waist-high fire pit. Pretty impressive to cook dead animals on as far as things that aren't propane-powered go.

Let the record state that I neglected to check the weather forecast for that particular afternoon.

As the clouds rolled in, I decided to start up the fire. How hard could it be? Dump in the charcoal, squirt some lighter fluid on it, light a match, and dinner is ready in no time. I'd seen it done a bunch of times, and I'm a fairly intelligent person, so there should've been no problems whatsoever. Except that there was. Several, actually.

In hindsight, I don't even know why I picked hamburgers as our main course, other than it's standard cookout fare. Personally, I don't even really enjoy hamburgers all that much; I'm more of a hot dog kind of person. But that's not even the point.

As quickly as my fire started blazing, the rains came and reduced my fire to a smoldering, practically useless mass of crap. But that didn't stop me from trying; after all, I had two other mouths I promised to feed. More matches, more lighter fluid, more rain, lather/rinse/repeat. My sister's boyfriend began laughing at my ineptness (which was a very welcome turn-of-the-tables for him). My sister was very something less than ecstatic.

I resorted to stuffing newspapers into the grill and trying to light that on fire, because what kind of idiot can't just light stuff on fire? I mean, I've torched tons of stuff in the past; why all the sudden can I not figure out how to use that to my advantage in this situation? I was pulling the classic "don't do this" move even, and squirting lighter fluid directly on anything resembling embers. I may have used a little too much. Meanwhile, the wind was conspiring against me and blowing newsprint ashes directly into my living room, which means it's pretty amazing that I didn't burn my entire apartment complex down while managing not to actually burn anything with the intent of having an edible meal.

Eventually I finagled some kind of flame enough to try cooking. On went the store-bought frozen hamburgers, and out once again did my lackluster flames go. I may have started cursing cavemen at that point for being better at fire than I was at that point. In my (absence of) infinite wisdom, I did only what I thought was the next logical step in the process: more newspapers, more lighter fluid, and more matches. And somehow, I ended up with two sorta cooked hamburgers out of four on the grill. There was no way of knowing yet if they were actually cooked through, because after one bite I believe my sister exclaimed that they tasted not like beef but more like what you'd expect lighter fluid to taste like.

And the fun didn't stop there! Because the rain's intensity had increased, I scrapped the idea of cooking outdoors altogether because my adorable little patio was uncovered. I took the burgers off the grill and attempted to finish cooking them in a frying pan on the stove. The result? Pan-fried meat that tasted like it was marinated in butane. You don't have to tell me it was gross, even as I tried to ignore the smell and pretended like I was doing something awesome.

Since that fateful day, I can say with every bit of confidence that my culinary skills have increased tenfold, but never will I ever try cooking hamburgers again. I've grilled many times, but I can't seem to make a hamburger that isn't blackened all over and raw in the middle, no matter what the flaming option of preference is. Steak? Good. Chicken? Gooooood. Hot dogs? Gooooooooooooood. Burgers? No thank you. And come to think of it, I don't believe I regret purchasing those hamburgers all that much way back when, because I now know you probably shouldn't rely on me to use fire to cook them. Ever.

BCF PROMPT: "What is the coolest city to visit in the US?"

Switching up gears and heading into the "Blogging Circle of Friends Prompt Forum" 's suggested topic today, I'm not sure if I have a solid answer. I've been to many US cities besides my hometown, Buffalo...and I'd recommend checking that out to anyone in a heartbeat. I've seen Cleveland, Washington DC, New York City, Nashville, Miami, and probably a few others...but if I had to pick one place to go back to, it'd probably be Savannah, Georgia.

Savannah has to be one of the best-laid cities in all of North America. It's a giant grid; most every street runs horizontally and vertically, creating squares everywhere. I was there a few years ago, in the spring, and the weather was absolutely gorgeous. The people were so pleasant, and the area had a really nice vibe to it. Everything's authentic. There are very few corporate chains, and every business that wants to operate in the area has to maintain the integrity of the community and its buildings first and foremost...no "big box" storefronts or crazy designs; historic preservation is of the highest priority.

Back in the late stages of my very first blog (gosh, I'm so growed-up now!), I wrote a few entries on location from the hotels we stayed in during a voyage by car to and from Savannah...it's crazy to me just to see how much I've evolved as a writer-kind of person since then...and yeah, the city was great too. Rather than duplicate those thoughts, peep these (in my long-favorited bullet point style):

"Redefining "Historic", Day 1" 

"Redefining "Historic", Day 2: Sensticles" 

"Redefining "Historic", Days 3-4, Somewhat." 

"Redefining "Historic", Day 5: Home. Barely." 

I haven't actually read those entries in a long, long time, and I probably will after I post this up, so whatever. This isn't about me, but beautiful Savannah. Someday I hope to go back, for nothing else if not the homemade pralines at http://www.savannahcandy.com or the 40oz. of Miller Lite for $5 served complete in a brown paper bag at a little dive bar known as The Rail (http://www.therailpub.com/)...the kind folks at The Rail, once they heard we were from Buffalo, actually turned on a Sabres game for us, and were very hospitable. What more could a tourist want? Also, The Forsyth Park Inn (http://www.forsythparkinn.com/) is incredibly gorgeous and is a wonderful place for a small wedding (my sister held her destination wedding there). Overall, it's just a great little place to spend some time at. I highly recommend it if you can get there.

I'm a romantic sucker for cobblestone streets, and for wearing NY Mets gear in Braves country.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

I was in the midst of forging a personal relationship with this band (hey, they're from Georgia too!) much later than my peers did (as is the case with a lot of other things I do in life) and this song played way too much in my first apartment at Briarcliff, primarily because I was absolutely in love with a girl who came over I think only to hear this song and watch reruns of The Golden Girls.

But I like these songs better...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWkMhCLkVOg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKKqLl_ZEEY

THE DAILY BOX SCORE:

That grilling story I referenced earlier in this entry isn't even the most outrageous episode of cooking chicanery I experienced during my stay at Briarcliff...once I got settled and knew how to throw a get-together, I had a cookout where friends of friends who became friends knew people who worked at the legendary http://www.tedshotdogs.com/, and my parties would be supplied with their jumbo dogs, buns, charcoal and whatever else I needed. Those parties were a great mix of family, coworkers and friends- people from every different part of my life at the time. As I was on the phone with my "Shiny Happy People" girlfriend-hopeful after I got the fire going (weather wasn't an issue), a friend tossed firecrackers and Jumping Jacks into the grill. He then watched me get the shit scared outta me because I was heavily startled and I thought the front of my apartment had blown up while I was pacing the sidewalk leading up to my place. Have I ever mentioned I don't react well to that kind of stuff? But we still had a good time...I don't think "Shiny Happy" Sarah came over though.

In an amazing coincidence (that has less to do with cities and even less to do with pretty much anything), Deadspin posted a fun little diagram of useless yet humorous states in the US and their rivals. My only wish is that they would've expanded it to include what their reasonings were for each state, but I guess that's what the comments section is for (and it must be a hard job originating in Texas). http://deadspin.com/state-hate-which-state-is-your-states-enemy-1496315563?utm_c...

I was kinda miffed at first that Sabretooth (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRg1cUUc66w) didn't make this list, but then again he's a family-friendly mascot that doesn't ruffle feathers or cause controversy. So I guess he's got that going for him. http://www.thehockeynews.com/blog/top-10-nhl-mascots/ And they said they never knew people liked hockey so much! Lyn's a Witchy Woman , please tell me the Flyers have a better mascot that isn't the Philly Phanatic (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOG6TcOWKlQ), because really, what is that thing?? It's bell-shaped (in reference to the Liberty Bell), so I'll give you that much, but it's green (which is not a color of the Flyers or Phillies) and has a Muppet-shaped horn nose thing goin' on. If I lived in the area and/or supported that team, 1) my kids (if I had any) would never touch it; and 2) that thing doesn't inspire me for anything, let alone trying to win ballgames or the humor it's meant to imply. When I think of Philadelphia, I think of fans booing Santa Claus at Eagles games and snowballs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWvza6en5Rg). If I were to even guess what I'd enjoy possibly as a Flyers mascot, it'd be some big ugly thug-lookin' thing reminiscent of the "Broad Street Bullies" days in a cartoonish get-up, complete with missing teeth. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that'd be a helluva mascot.

Today's the last day (so I hear) to get your nominations up for "The Quills" , so get at that! This is not campaigning.

And that my friends is another day off and left to my own devices as far as anything to do with everything is concerned. It may not be the funniest, nor the best conceived way of looking at things, but I've satisfied my own urges to write about something, and I suggest you do the same. Peace, do it for your city, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!