New Beginnings, Old Loses

Bad Guy

Something that has always boggled my mind is how you can have a child, and not be a part of their life. How can a person leave their child alone, to fend for themselves?

I've been listening to a lot of Eminem's latest album, and it's been a reminder of a deadbeat father. I was told all my life that he didn't care about me. I never saw anything that proved that statement otherwise. For the first 13 years, I can understand him not being around; my mother had a restraining order in place after he tried to kidnap me.

Something I've been trying to sort out is the true story. I've only ever had my mother's side of the story. She hated him. He was abusive, controlling, and an addict. When I was in trouble, or if I was lying, my mother would throw it in my face that all she could see in me was my father. Growing up, I looked more like him than her, and as I grew up, I started to look more like my mother. This probably didn't help, seeing her ex on a daily basis. Throw in that mother and daughter relationships in my family are always strained, and you have a boiling pot of tempers and resentment.

The trouble is, how much of what I "know" of this man is true? My mother coldly refers to him as a sperm donor, and nothing more. Trying to make a connection to this man in any way is incredibly difficult. After years of hearing the evils of the man, how do I try to talk to him without assuming that it's all true? He's never been around to prove her wrong. When the restraining order was up, he came to my home town, after being across the country all my life. But he didn't show up. I've always wondered why.

What makes it harder, is that he couldn't remember me. At 16, my parents had my last name changed to my stepfathers. I was so anxious, knowing that my mother had my father on the phone, talking about signing and sending the papers. He didn't even know my age. I was 16, and he asked how my 12th birthday was this past April. I had turned 16 in May. My half-brothers birthday was in April, and he had turned 22.

I've harboured so much anger, hurt, and sadness towards this man. And now, I wait on a call from him. I feel like I'm always waiting on him. He never shows up, and here I am, waiting again. Will he call? What can I say? "Where were you, and how dare you leave me without my father?" Luckily, I have my stepfather.

My stepfather is my entire world. Aside from when I have to differentiate between my father and stepfather, he isn't called "stepdad". He's my Dad. My father. The man who raised me. He's my Dad, and he molded the person I am. He gave me everything he had, and to this day, would give everything up if it were to help me. He's the center of my universe, because he's the only person I had for so much of my life. When I was being bullied, he taught me to toughen up. When I was getting ready to break down, he'd glue me back together. WE've had a single fight in my entire life. One. At 17 years old, I had my first fight with him, and I tore him a new one. My fire comes from him, my inability to take no as an answer.

As much as I love my Dad, I still need to talk to my father. I need to know who he is, for my own sake. I know that it would break my Dad's heart to know that I'm seeking out my father, but I need to. And I honestly think he'd understand why I need to do it, even if it hurts. He was there when I was asking about my father. As a child, I would walk up to random men in the mall, and ask if they were my father. My Dad is my father, and so much more. But the man who shares my DNA is out there, across the country, waiting to be confronted.