Off the Cuff / My Other Journal

Getting Better with Age

Many things get better with age: cheese, antiques, whiskey, wine. But then, when it comes to people, whining gets better with age and so do the headfakes.

Whining gets better because there are so many things to whine about: memory loss, wrinkles, sagging, leaking, long trips, short trips, creaky joints, health problems, going to seed, where you put your false teeth, etc., etc. You have to keep in mind that, when an old person finally gets his head together, his body starts falling apart. In the same vein, when an elderly person makes up his mind, he's adamant about his decision; unless, he forgets what that thing he decided upon was about. Thus, in old age, wining or whining or both are understandable, because old people traveled all the way from terrible twos and acne, to wrinkles, creases, and puckers.

The youngsters, on the other hand, become immune to the whining eventually. As soon as the old one clues in to that, he knows it is time to use headfakes, because by then, he has mastered them to perfection. Just why do you think old people lead the population in swing voting? That's one organized, national elderly headfake, for you.

Yet, there are many other headfakes the old ones use against their children or anyone from the younger generation. It starts with faking as if they are listening to the doctors' or the young ones' advice, but not really, since diplomacy may be ailing but is not dead. Then the rest of the headfakes may range from acting clueless as if they've fallen asleep in their easy chairs only to hear juicy gossip, to playing deaf to unwanted questions or requests for financial help, or coming up with the most perfect cough attack, or driving even slower than normal when a youngster, who uses a hybrid vehicle as if a Maserati, tailgates their car.

An old man I know has perfected a great on-the-phone headfake against pushy telephone salespeople. He listens for a long while to the pesky seller, as if he's all attention and he's interested in what the salesperson is saying and his product. Then, at the end, the old man says something like, "Thank you but you have the wrong number," or something really far out like, "Say hello to your wife for me," and he puts the phone down. Now, how's that for an attitude?

And how do I know all this? Guess!

Right, old people are all around me, and I am an old person.

And as an old person, I have arrived at one major conclusion: Life is unfair, but I won't sit out the dance to it, for I am still refusing to grow up.

There, I said it. Take it or leave it!

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Prompt: What gets better with age?