Death and Relations Can be Painful

An Ennead Letting Go's (of my Lover)

I could be the only person on earth that chose family over a lover. If I am, what a pity, but this is not about pity, but how I was able to let go of my lover.

Some many years ago, I had the pleasure of actually falling in love a second time in my life. My husband, my first love, had been gone for almost ten (10) years, and our children were over the age of five (5). I was alone and taking care of four children and my Mother. One day a friend called and suggested we go out for the evening. We did.

It was the best evening of my life. Sitting there on the bar stool was this handsome, dark, long, and tall drink of water! He was lingeringly sucking down a beer and taking in the room. Without a word or even hearing his voice, I knew that I wanted to get to know him. Quietly sitting down beside him, I bubbled over with my name, address, and anything else I could tell him. He listened, and then laughed out loud, and gave me a name that was just unbelievable. Benjamin Franklin Washington. Who would name their child such a ridiculous name?

His voice was just perfect to my ears, and my mind locked down on his laughter. He made me smile. I was in love. I did not need to know anything about him. What I did need to know was whether or not he and I could become a couple. Without hesitation or even a second thought, he asked if I was spoken for because if I was not, I was now! Lord, help us all. I actually had forgotten that my girlfriend was with me, and she jumped in with "Are you going to introduce this dude to me?" Of course I did, and asked her to sit on the other side of him so that I could talk with him on the other side.

Benjamin Franklin Washington and I became lover. My every thought seemed to focus on him and that was reciprocated. We met every opportunity to just talk, laugh, and tell jokes or simply to go for a walk in the park. We giggled often. We had many picnics together, and of course we made love often. He was my knight in shining armor and I was his Florence Knighting Gale. We were meant for each other.

Our love affair lasted for several years. It could have gone on forever, but then one day, Benjamin Franklin Washington did not call or come by to see me. I worried about him and tried to get in touch with no luck. After a torturous night of waiting to hear from him, he called. Oh what a relief. Thanking God, I rush to pick him up from the police station. He was not under arrest, but was found beaten up in an alley in Georgetown.

Georgetown? Why was he in Georgetown? His story was that he had gone out with some of his co-workers after work, and they ended up at the bar in Georgetown. They ordered beers, and then he did not remember anything else. Oh Lord, he could have been killed. Thankful that he was alive, life moved forward until one day while talking, he mentioned that he had to go to court for that incident several months earlier. Upon further discussion, he stated that he had drugs in his system when he was found in the alley. Unbelievable!

My lover was a drug user. I was devastated. I have four children and my Mother living with me. Benjamin Franklin Washington and I had just signed on the dotted line to purchase our future home. My dilemma was how do I go forward with this man, and our relationship when he would be living with, around, and over my children. Heart breaking, I gave my lover his walking papers. I explained that I could not choose him over my children, and he walked out of my life.

Benjamin Franklin Washington resurfaced one year later. He was in jail in New Jersey. When I got the phone call and heard his voice, my heart started racing, and I could hardly catch my breath. When he walked away a year ago, he did not look back, and I did not have any information on which way he had gone. His first words were very simple, "How is this arrangement working out for you?" "Are you happy without me?"

Honestly, the arrangement was not working out, but I had learned to live with it. I had actually made some other choices with my life. I was reminded that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Right! No, I was not happy without Mr. Washington. I was surviving. I was walking through life with my eyes wide open, but not with the happiness that I had found with Benjamin Franklin Washington. I wanted my lover back!

After serving his term in jail, he returned. Oh happy day. He was just as I remembered. Older, but just as wonderful. He was still my handsome, dark, long, and tall drink of water. Oh how thankful I was for small blessings. Then one night on the way back home from work, I had an anxiety attack that we thought was a heart attack, and ended up in the hospital. With no one else there, I gave all of my purse to Mr. Washington. I remained in the hospital for three days.

Upon being released, I immediately began trying to catch up on my bills and doing those things necessary to get back in the swing of things. Of course, I needed to get some funds from the bank. No bank card. Hummm. Off to the bank to get a bank card. Upon receipt of the card, I needed to get cash out of the ATM. No money. Impossible. I had just gotten paid. Back to the bank. My account was completely over drawn. Money had been taken out in segments of $300 over a period of several days. I explained to the bank my where a bouts for most of those days, and produced my hospital bill.

Thank God for cameras, but oh what a surprise, and how painful. None other than Benjamin Franklin Washington, and he had disappeared. Gone. Nowhere to be found. He had flown the coop and was in Florida with his mother. Benjamin Franklin Washington had gotten away with more than $3000. He had taken advantage of my love for him, and moved on. My lover was gone.

Anger. Desperation. Disgust. All of these emotions were flooding in and I was feeling like a fool! I had taken this man back even knowing that he had just gotten out of prison, and his past history of drug use. I wanted to believe that he was innocent. He was my lover. My man. Now this.

Benjamin Franklin Washington was gone. Several years later, he resurfaced. My phone rang, and the voice on the other end, rekindled my emotions. However, my mind remembered, how that same voice had caused so much pain. It remembered that this handsome, dark, long, and tall drink of water had robbed me blind when I was in the hospital. The anger returned, and even as he asked for forgiveness and promised to repay the money, my heart could not would not forgive. I wanted no part of Benjamin Franklin Washington. I would hang up the phone and wish that he was still here.

For weeks and months and years, this scene would be repeated over and over again. Finally, one day, Benjamin Franklin Washington called, and said that he was going to be a father and that he wanted to marry the woman. He wanted his child to have a real family, but he could not do that, if I would not forgive him, and give him permission to move on with his life. I cried as I said, Benjamin Franklin Washington, I will never forgive you for breaking my heart, but I give you permission to marry and take care of your new bride. I was not to hear from him again for many years.

Years later, as I sat and wondered about whatever happened to Benjamin Franklin Washington, I thought I would search the internet to see if I could find him. I found a telephone number for his mother and father. I called it. I learned that his mother had died; that he had gotten married, and had a son. He was living somewhere in Florida. I was hurt to learn that his mother had died. She was very nice to me, and I thought she was very special. I did not ask for a telephone number for Benjamin Franklin Washington because I wanted him to be happy.

Thoughts of Benjamin Franklin Washington still brings a smile to my face. I can still see my handsome, dark, long, and tall drink of water.  I realized that I wanted him to be happy. I also realized that somewhere inside of me there were still feelings for my handsome, dark long, and tall drink of water, but not like before. I was even a little jealous of his new found happiness, but I did not want him back. For a few seconds, I thought I would break out in tears, but I did not.  I questioned those emotions, and learned that I had let him go. I was, in fact, happy for him. I so wanted to see his young son.

I wonder, if he will grow up to be a handsome, dark, long, and tall drink of water?