Death and Relations Can be Painful

In the Midst of His Pain

This thought came to me today as I visited for the first time with my Step-Son.  I was overjoyed to meet him in person since I had only spoken to him a few times over the years.

Years ago, I fell heads over heel in love with my now ex-husband.  He was my first love, and on some levels, my only love.  He spoiled it for me for every love since then.  However, my first love had, and held onto secrets.

Not once in fifty (50) year has he ever told me that prior to our marriage he had a son by another women.  That information came several years after our divorce from his brother.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  By the time I learned of his first child, I already had his four children, and had even named my first son after him not knowing that his first son already carried his name.  Hurt.  Pissed off.  Angry, and finally alright, life moved on.

This past week, my ex-husband's brother's wife was buried.  For whatever reason, I chose not to go to the funeral.  Most everyone else went including, three of my children, my ex-husband, AND his oldest son.  No one told me about the gathering other than that the church was packed, and that they were glad that they had attended.  I was glad that I had chosen to sit this one out.

Today as I sat on the back porch office, I was very pleasantly surprised when my son-in-law dropped by to have a short visit with me and allow my grandson to say hello before going on to North Carolina.  The greatest surprise during the visit was meeting my step-son whom I learned was now living with my daughter, his step-sister in North Carolina.  All I could say was WOW! 

We chatted for about three hours, and then they had to leave for the drive back to North Carolina, and I thought, what an experience.  I had just met my ex-husband's love child.  The one that he never cared to mention to me in fifty (50) years.  The child was/is the spitting image of his father, but has his grandfather's eyes.  He has his father's mannerisms, but a happier spirit.  He still feels the hurt and pain of being thrown away and forever denied his birthright, but in the midst of his pain, he was able to laugh, talk, look me in the eyes, and hug me in a way that said thank you for acknowledging me.

I looked deep into his eye, and took every minute I could to get to know this child.  I saw in him a young man that had pretty much raised himself.  A brilliant artistic man who could have been anything in this world that he wanted to be, but for the denial, and the loss of his birthright.  Without knowing this, he came across as a young man whose mother tolerated him, and his father abandoned him, and to hide his pain, he found solace in books, arts, crafts, and the written word.  He was in pain and had no one to share it with.  He did not have the love or the pleasure of growing up with his family in a loving and caring environment. 

During the two hours visit, he mentioned his father several times, but he referred to him as Dr., Mr., or your children's father.  Not once did he refer to him as my father.  He also mentioned that he only met his grandfather once or twice when he was very young although his grandfather was alive and lived a long time after he was born.  He never mat his grandmother or great-grandmother on his father's side and they were all living, but have since died.  He only knew his uncle who had made it his business to keep up with him over the years.  He had talked to his father on the telephone maybe twice in fifty (50) years.  Both had promised him pictures of his grandparents and his siblings, but no one had ever followed through.

In the midst of his pain, however, he had grown up and now was a fine young man who made the conscientious decision that he would never have children.  The risk was too great, and he would never want a child to live through what he has already been through. He is forever grateful that his father's other family, whom he left, but remained constantly in their lives, now accepts him as one of them.  He is grateful and happy getting to know his sixteen nieces and nephews and his one great nephew.  In the midst of his pain, he is slowly finding joy and happiness in the family he never knew.