PinkBubbles

Funny How the Same Quote can take on a new life

"This moment is exactly as it should be. Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment is precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."

Deepak Chopra

         

Funny, A few weeks ago, I felt this surgery I was going to have was going to be a chance to regroup, to change my mind-frame, reevaluate, perhaps suffer some, but all-in-all be a good experience for me.I used this quote to support what I wrote. I look back on the entry and think...."wow!" How wrong you were on what would really be what would be happening but the quote stands true today.

I Do not need that man that did these really rather rotten things to me. I did not deserve them, but instead of holding the bitterness in any longer, I must let go. When you hold anger and bitterness in, the person who inflicted the pain does not suffer, only you do. They go on, perhaps not even knowing how you feel inside and if they do, they may not care. So, I ask myself, why hold onto it? This man needs more love and help than I could ever need and in the long run, he will truly be the loser, not because he lost me...I am not that vain, but because he does not know how to feel real compassion and is mixed up codependency and has anger in his heart that is being directed at those that try to reach out to heal him of his affliction. I was and am not strong enough of a person to be that one who helps...perhaps there will be someone, perhaps not. Not my problem. That is hard for me to do. walk away from someone I love, even when they have treated me poorly and leave them hurting, even when they have hurt me so badly. My daughter does not understand it. Perhaps it has to do with my past and as a child never having anyone who took care of me...but, I must try and make myself whoe before I can help anyone else and even then onl help those that can accept help.

I have had to become virtually homeless...I guess I am not really that, just I do not have my own home. I am sleeping on a couch(actually I got a blowup bed loaned to me) in my daughter's living room. Not optimal by far. But I am not out on the street like so many unfortunate people I see. While I am still not healed and am without money, I had a couple of very generous people help me out. That both humbled me and made me realize there is such humanity in this world.I MUST start by looking at the positive or I will die, spiritually and at one time I thought physically. This is not fair to those I love

So..yesterday and the day before was a good day:

1. I got my car fixed...took more money than I thought but a terrific mechanic who may turn out to be a very good friend in the future fixed the added problem of squirrels eating through my speedometer 'thingy':P I can kind of laugh at it now. The car is running good. Not the prettiest car, who needs a pretty car. I NEED one that can take me to a job interview when released to work.

2. was able to smog my car. It did not pass, but I can go get it rechecked for free. I think it will pass as all it was needing was for the light to be turned off for a specific amount of time. emissions were fine.

3. I have insurance on the car, which means if I get pulled over for no registration, I can show them my insurance (something you must have here in California or get towed). my car work papers, my smog...and hopefully (until I can come up with the money) they will allow me to keep driving. I figure, worse scenario is a fix-it ticket *crosses fingers*

4. I have applied for food stamps and got emergency aid. hate that but I will be fed. Doesn't help with the certain fiber aides that I need, but I will ask a pharmacist and my DR (had a bad incident not clarifying with him before hand what is an acceptable substitute) what I can do about that. I also, after waiting for my DR. to go online for my temp Disability have been told he is not going to ever do it online and to just fill out the paper forms. It may take longer and the money will probably not be wonderful...but anything helps, right?

What I am realizing is that, sometimes, pain sometimes comes in many different forms and even the strongest have their limits. One should never judge another for what they feel another person's pain threshold should be. I have been guilty of that myself. I have said "Oh that is not THAT bad!" Who am I? Lesson learned.

I have a feeling I will be learning a lot in this little session of my life and if I pat attention it can only make me more capable of handling not my own issues but helping others with theirs...again, only those that ask for my help....or will accept it. Not everyone has the ability to ask. I know how hard it was for me.

Peace and Love