PinkBubbles

2010 Dear Me Letter

Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

Don Miguel Ruiz

This is a Dear Me letter I wrote in 2010. It was a year after my then 15 year old tried, almost successfully, to commit suicide over a boyfriend. About 8 months later, I would try to end my own life. She and my oldest were in California and I was in Illinois and I will never be able to forgive what I almost did to them. Now, I am having some of the same issues, repeating the same patterns and it scares me. I came upon this and felt I needed to post it and dissect it, look at myself again. Where have I succeeded and where have I managed to lose my way again. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD (childhood..yes, there is a thing, but I do not care if you are reading this and do not believe it, I am just happy to know what it is and how to start dealing with it.) While I have been in counseling, I found myself not going when I was too disturbed. She actually wants to put that in her memoirs...*shakes head* I guess there is still a part that does not want people to see that side of me. How the heck is she to help me if she does not know the full story. It was my doctor who diagnosed me. He sort of trapped me in his office for three hours and opened a Pandora's box...but I digress. I have many other issues like I am obsessive compulsive at times, but it is not a technical disorder because it has not gone there. I have panic attacks....but I am not crazy. Is that a good thing? Yes....


Dear Me,

This past year has been a most difficult one. You faced many heart-breaking moments and walked through countless days feeling dazed, confused, and anxiety-ridden. I hope you learned something from your experiences. You are now faced with a New Year, new opportunities, and new beginnings. What are you going to do with the upcoming year? May I offer you some insight?

I wonder who you are. Do you even know?

I think you lost yourself somewhere in the midst of living a life where you focused more on others than yourself. I commend you for your care and concern, but let's be frank, you cannot save another if you cannot save yourself. You must be honest with yourself. Look in the mirror and figure out who it is that looks back at you. Is she only a mother, only a wife? Does the person looking back at you, through that reflective glass, wear a genuine smile or does she wear a mask? Forgive me for being blunt, but I think she pretends to be happy and content when what she really wants to do is break down and cry. What can you do to help that person? She needs you.


I really fell back into the habit, after making some great progress, of trying to save another. I focused on a man that reminded me of my father who committed suicide in 2000. He was an alcoholic. He was not to be saved. Again, I lost my identity to a slew of people...it did not start as a way of distracting from myself, but as I helped him and did not save him or did not receive recognition or even love, I began to regress into old habits of trying to save even more people and not pay attention to the fact that I was and am literally falling apart again

You found a wonderful site last year to help you through some of life's most difficult trials. You found your release in writing. You found some very special people who you now call friends. I challenge you to use this site to your benefit. In doing so, you will eventually benefit others. Learn the idiosyncrasies of writing and hone your craft. I challenge you to take classes on punctuation and presentation. Edit that book you have been toying with. Read the stories of strength and hope that other authors have written and learn from them. Keep up with that blog you started. I believe your blog is the key to rediscovering who you are and shaping yourself into the person you long to be. Bear your soul and fear not what another will say or think. Be honest with yourself and hide nothing. Do not lose yourself to the masquerade of pretending to be someone others will like. Be yourself, they will either love you or hate you for who you truly are. Ask yourself, "Does what another person 'thinks', define me?"

On an even more personal note, I hope you address some issues you have been sweeping under the rug. Stop hiding from your problems and face them head-on. You know your physical and mental health have been an issue for quite some time. This year, I beg of you, take action to change those things about yourself that hold you back from living a fulfilling life.

While I did move back to California, I first found the wrong MD. He did more damage than good. I have only recently changed my MD and he has been rated the best. I have had surgery and that is going well. I found a therapist, but it only works if you go in and face your demons. I see her often and actually just got off the phone with her. WE still have a lot of work to do. For those with PTSD or with anxiety, EMDR (it is a blue light therapy thingy) works wonders).

My biggest mistake was my writing and my lack of coming back to WDC. It was a haven. It was something I enjoyed. I was becoming a better writer. It was something, especially this blog, that was healing....not to mention my friends, even if they are only online


You do not like how you look anymore. Gaining weight was just another misguided way of protecting yourself. You are safe now. Set a goal of losing 50 pounds and do it! Seek professional help with your long-standing mental issues. Address those hurts of the past and move forward. Do not give up; this is not an easy fix. Go to the doctor and scream until they listen! You know what is wrong.

Do you wish to walk through life with a dulled psyche and half a heart? It feels like little by little, more of you is slowly dying. You have closed yourself up; wrapped yourself up in protective layers so the pain cannot touch you, cannot cut too deeply. In building that cocoon you have protected yourself but you do not feel alive. Live! Break free from that cocoon and emerge as that beautiful butterfly I know you can be, both inside and out. Save yourself, because no one else is going to do it!

I lost more than 80 something pounds. I looked good but found that was not the issue. I never felt good enough, no mater my weight. The issues lay deeper that the surface. I did finally find a DR and by the time I went to him, I had been misdiagnosed with Lupus and pretty much just given up. He sat and took the timeto listen. If you can not find the help you need from one DR, go to another. Keep looking. You deserve to be heard!

In regards to your youngest child, you must let her live without questioning her will to do so. I realize that she did something last year that made you fear for her, but you can not live in fear. Being afraid of what might happen in the future keeps you from living in the moment and keeps you from appreciating your daughter for who she is now, today. When she tells you that life is not worth living, show her, not tell her, that it is. It is worth living to its fullest. The pain, the sweet sorrow, is worth it. It means your heart is open and ready to receive the love and joy that will eventually come with time. You can not control her. You can not put her in a protective bubble, as much as you wish to keep her safe. Katelyn has the power to change her own destiny. You will not always be there to catch her when she falls or fails. You do not hold any special powers to 'make it all okay'. There is no band-aide and magical kisses to wish her pain away. Have faith that she will learn to live and fix herself.

Katelyn has grown into a beautiful caring woman. Both my children amaze me. My oldest has finished her teaching degree and has been accepted into the JET program. It is where they pay you to fly overseas to Japan for a year and teach children the class in English. She may not be able to go because of her child's father...but she knows this is a temporary thing. I was scared for a while about how she would take this all. She was an elite few to be chosen. This is a rare opportunity indeed...but not something she can not do in the near future, in a different way perhaps. She is still fighting for it, but that is god. You do not give up until there is no other option, than you bow down gracefully. My youngest is in college, has a job. She still doesn't have the optimal life but she is doing good and better every day. I try and remind myself, I had a lot to do with who they are as women..whether they learned from the bad and/or good times...they learned something of value and they love me and I love them and that is the most important thing

You have so much work to do; I hope you are up for it. I believe you are ready.

As you go about rediscovering yourself and redefining who you are, do not think that you can not hold on to the roles that are most dear to you. Being a mother and wife are important parts of who you are, but do not let those roles limit you. You can be those people and more. You can be the artist, the dancer, the humanitarian. You can realize those old forgotten dreams and create new ones. You can hold on to the people who are dear to you while you also live your life for yourself. It may be hard to not feel selfish in doing things for yourself, but remember, you are a role model for your daughters. Don't you wish them to be everything they dream to be? Lead them by example.

In closing, do not forget to appreciate all the gifts life has given you; you have terrific people in your life and a home filled with love. Give thanks daily and pay it forward. You get so much back in giving a little happiness to another. Live, love, and laugh much this year. May you grow by leaps and bounds.

All my love,

Me

This is the part that frustrated me so much looking over the letter last night. I SEEM to be back to square one. If I a truthful with myself I am not. I am revisiting some familiar behaviors but I have changed. I am actually in a little scarier place. I could have run back to a safe place without thinking, like back to a relationship with a man that was not working because that is an old habit that I have as well....we would play house and ultimately, because if I am honest, I am not whole yet to give MY heart to someone fully and it has just been broken, it would not work. I could have made many of the old choices. I could have made worse choices that may have been easier in the past. I am sure I am not "fixed, but I am fixable. I want to thank a good person here, especially, for sharing a little of himself with m. It allowed me to see in in what you think are the most dire or humiliating circumstances, can be a pathway to a better life. I am merely being humbled, not humiliated. I can only be humiliated, put-down, judged, or whatever if I allow myself to be. I chose to surround myself with light. I choose P.I.N.K..

This was a long blog entry. I do not expect anyone to read it al the way through. it is more for me....but if you do, great. I want to start blogging with the purpose the blog was made....and I shall...soon