Just Be There Blog

I'm dealing with a new 'emotion'

I am going to relate a condensed version of my life's journey up to this point to explain what it is I've never felt about myself in all the 59 years of my life.

As of this year, (2014), I'm dealing with a new 'emotion' in regards to myself, so please bear with me.

I've been a lot of things in my life; but, mostly I'm a survivor. I survived neglect, physical and verbal abuse from birth to my 9th year. I survived physical, mental, and sexual abuse from my 13th-17th years. These I call my victim years. I took my destiny into my own hands as a Junior in HS, when I left the inhospitality of my father's home. But, what does someone used to abuse all their life really leave and what is attached to them for a life time?

I gained my full adult height at 19 years, I am short statured, 5'1'+some fractions. But I'm tough. I had to be to have survived my childhood. If asked, my mother will tell you, and she believes this, I was always the most loved child. I have accepted this and my mother and I, though we aren't close, we get along and even have moments of legitimate laughter between us. I haven't felt anger towards her for many years now.

When asked, a few years before he died, My father agreed he made some mistakes, but he doesn't understand why I can't get over it. I hope before he died he rethought this opinion for his own soul's sake. My father died in a Sunnyside, Washington hospital in 199? something...I don't really know because I was never called or sent a letter from his brother about the event. My niece found his obit on heritage.com in 2004. She told me about his death, and I celebrated. My nightmares and panic attacks, which I'd lived with for most of my 'independent life', practically disappeared over night. Recieving the news of an end of an era for me, left me free to grieve the then recent loss of a 10 year relationship. And I grieved her choice to be on her own until last February 2014. I find it ironic that I loved her with all my heart for ten years and I was angry with all my heart for nearly ten years. It all seems to balance.

As of February 2014, I've found my muse, or rather, my muse has returned to me. It seems my anger had driven her away. Now, that I've let go of my anger, she is playing with me again. My muse is cheerful and mischievious, as well as quite independent. I said that I was dealing with a new 'emotion', one that I've never had to contend with before...

You see, I've never felt proud of myself. Sure, I have displayed some arrogance throughout my adult years, which can be taken as pride. But, in truth, this prideful feeling I have, at this moment, is mixed equally with humility. It is the type of pride which, when it comes over me with full force, brings tears to my eyes and clenches my throat so I have difficulty speaking anything except "thank-you." I have never had occasion to experience this particular emotion in regards to myself. I have experienced this for my children and my niece when witnessing their accomplishments, so I am familiar with the emotion. It has been very easy for me to say, "I'm so very proud of you." And today, I have discovered I can say with all sincerity, "I am so very proud of myself." It is really a very humbling experience. I know that doesn't sound sensible. But, for those who have experienced this same moment in their lives, I know you are nodding your heads and smiling; because, you Know what I am talking about.

As a side note: There were a couple SdC members who helped me when I initially found this wonderful community. They are no longer members, but I need to publicly thank them for helping me through some very rough patches in my life. With all my heart, Thank-You Janet *jwagon* and Diane *alien2*, from A Child Lost Forum, for your wisdom and caring in a time when I felt my lowest and most unsuccessful. You two ladies impacted my life more than you can ever know. Thank-you.