Who do I still think I am??

This one's about existential crises.

30DBC PROMPT: "Atheists deny God because they have no proof of his existence. There is no proof as to WHY we fall in love; should they deny the existence of love likewise?"

What up y'all? Definitely an interesting prompt...because of the diversity that exists in the "30-Day Bloggers Group"  (and site-wide), I'm sure there's bound to be a variety of responses. It should make for some interesting reading and maybe some potential clashes of opinions. It's been a good long while since we've seen some of that in the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" !

I suppose I could argue, as someone who's had plenty of experience falling in love   before, that the beholder has all the proof as to why they've become smitten enough with someone do consider doing things they'd never imagine doing. Even if we can't explain it, we still know...whether it's "the spark" or "the undeniable chemistry" or "she makes the best grilled cheese sandwiches ev-arrrhh", I counter that there is, in fact, proof as to why we fall in love, and it's not the same in every relationship. Maybe because science can't pinpoint some algorithm related to the beating of hearts or special brain waves, and we're a society driven by statistics and meaning, we choose to consider the lesser truths as dismissive and lacking real validation.

And on the other hand, you can take in to account the idea that if we can't see or feel something, are we therefore so determined to deny its very existence? Millions of people believe in God. I don't believe in any one religion's idea of a deity, but I can't flat out deny the existence of some kind of spiritual presence within the universe. Don't ask me to explain it, because I'll tell you I know enough of the basics to say that putting all your hopes on the idea that some mystic force is gonna lead you to the promised land is somewhat foolish (to put it lightly). Praying for love, as an example, is about as fruitful as the idea of you liking some anonymous kid's picture on Facebook so it'll cure his cancer (so long as you share it with all your friends, and they share it with all their friends, and so on, until all you've really "cured" is keeping your name off some spambot's email list...good luck with that).

Similarly, because right now I don't really care about love, or who's in it (or isn't), and I have no interest in ever finding it again, I'm not gonna stalk the streets wearing a sandwich board on my chest and back that says LOVE IS DEAD. Just because it is for me doesn't mean there's none left in this world. It just means I'm actively not searching for love, and that's all...just like because I don't believe in a Catholic God or a Jewish one or Hindu or whatever, doesn't mean your beliefs are invalid, or that spiritualism can't be obtained in other ways. And honestly, I think comparing atheism with love is kind of pointless. I mean, I get the general gist of the idea, but it's apples and oranges because I think there are plenty of people out there that believe rigidly in their religions and in love, and there are some that don't wanna be bothered with either, and some who can know one but not the other. You can't just say (MATH ALERT!!) that if a=b, and c=b, then a=c...these situations don't quite work on specific parameters like that for all of us.

I'm not here to say anyone's right or wrong, and I won't judge you for seeing the topic differently than I do. Maybe 10 or 20 years earlier I would've had a slightly different opinion than I do now...age and maturity and hindsight will do that to you. Or so I've heard.

BCF PROMPT: "When you look in the mirror...what do you see? Who do you see? Are you happy with the image?"

I stopped looking in the mirror awhile ago...probably because I don't like what I see, yet I can't do much to change it. That's not to say that the problems I fail to acknowledge don't exist, because they very much do. I just don't like to be reminded of them.

Like anyone who's ever suffered from any type of affliction, or felt the curse of a flaw they can't control, I never asked to be in some of the situations I've faced, and I never said "Please, let me wake up with severe anxiety and depression". Nobody wants that nose that everyone thinks looks like a beak, or can afford braces to tame their buckteeth, or can prepare for all the side affects associated with medications. I don't like all that I see, but I have to deal with it because it's now a part of who I am.

It doesn't help that I've always had a low self-esteem and a negative (or at least very skewed) perception of body image...even when I was at my athletic peak. I'd never been the classic "good looking" guy, and when you hear how unattractive you are for so long, it tends to stick more than all the times people say nice things. I have a hard time taking a compliment...not because I don't believe you, but I don't believe me. That's how I'm wired. And frankly, I don't wanna know any better because it's taken me long enough to get comfortable with how I feel...one person isn't gonna change that for me overnight.

But I know there's always time to make changes and blah blah blah...maybe I'll eventually get back into a more comfortable, athletic body, or I'll give up on the idea that I can grow dreadlocks, or I'll get sick of this incredibly ridiculous beard that's at three inches longer than it should be. And even if I did all that, there's no guarantees I'd become happy. There's always room for improvement, even if it's just in one's mindset. That's probably the first place 95% of us need to look when we see something we're unsatisfied with.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

If this didn't provide a solid answer in the decade that was supposed to know all the answers, I don't think we'll ever know.

"And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be..."
Lyrics.  

THE DAILY BOX SCORE:

"What was the most important thing that happened yesterday?"

You mean on a personal level? If you've lived under a rock the last few days, then I guess you wouldn't know yesterday was Independence Day in the good ol' US of A; likewise if you're new to this space of internet indulgence you'll not be familiar with how much I don't care. Poor lambs...it's not totally your fault.

I could make a list of important things that didn't happen: I didn't leave the house, I didn't use my phone, I didn't feel very well, and I didn't sleep all that great either. All of these occurrences are pretty much more meaningful than anything I could've done instead yesterday (all the things I've snarked on ever since we started talking about July 4th).

To make matters worse, all of the shows I generally watch on Hulu as I try to fall asleep most nights haven't ran this week...Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, Stephen Colbert, SNL. This is problematic for me because of basic Hulu's limited selection (as soon as I can spring for Netflix again, better believe I'll be hittin' that). However, they were advertising episodes for the first season of a show I'd heard interesting things about, so I decided to start watching Drunk History   from Comedy Central. I'm not a history buff of any kind- I've always considered it very boring- but I know what it's like to be drunk, and this is actually pretty funny. The premise is people telling their version of historic events while they're drinking...pretty self-explanatory. I think I can get behind this show...there's nothing like it on television (at least that I'm familiar with). Might be my go-to choice when damn near every late-nite talk show host goes on vacation at the same time.

Of course, this also means my life is pretty sad right now,when the most important thing that happened was the discovery of a new show somewhere just around midnight.

Speaking of the unhealthy body image thing, I've had virtually no appetite the last two days. I dragged myself down to the local farmer's market this morning for some homemade cinnamon rolls and a little box of strawberries, but I'm not in the mood at all. I'm currently living off a Slim Jim I picked up at CVS this afternoon, along with a handful of Triscuits I had yesterday. And nothing even sounds appealing. I don't mind being sick like this on the weekends, because there's no pressure to go along with having to show up for work or appointments, which would only drop a panic attack on top of feeling shitty. I'm hoping whatever it is passes soon.

And I think that's where I'm gonna tie this entry up for the evening...I'm feeling that lethargy starting to kick in, which means it's a good time to quit for the night. Peace, why should I mind, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!