Wondering about my Wanderings

Why?

Why?
I sit here seeking meaning where meaning does not seem to want to dwell. I feel like Elijah, Ezekiel, Jeremiah and Job all wound up tight.

My job as a security guard is still waiting some kind of confirmation. I have a new job at Sprint, but all the craziness to get there. I can understand Ezekiel's own craziness from this perspective. Ezekiel was a watchman, which is the same thing as a security guard. As I get ready I have taken computer courses that I was able to pass and the Reed psychological profile. In the midst of this I await some note of peace in the midst of other storms.

As Job, I am dealing with many ailments, albeit minor that seem unending. I am a pastor by vocation and my voice is hoarse. I am taking all manner of medicine to try to get my voice back. It seems like it is taking forever. I have clogged up ears, which the doctor has said will get better if I get debrox and then are the usual meds for my array of psychological issues. Why God?

Jeremiah is the weeping prophet and I weep about my mother's impending death. Yesterday my sister cried and I felt like crying too. I do not feel safe with my tears. Is there any place or way to feel safe. When my dad died everyone kept wanting me to cry. I was with mom and was very weepy there, but she was always pleading for me to be strong for her. I pray for strength and wisdom I will need it.

Elijah was the prophet seeking God's voice, wondering what it meant to stay alive. I hear his disposition as I try to sort out in this transition time why God has me here. God seems far away. How do I get the voice back, even as I want my own voice back.

BECAUSE- what a lousy answer