Writings of G. B. Williams

Unsettling or Discontent

Well, I almost had a perfect day, yesterday.  Almost. 

It's funny how you say and do one thing with one purpose in mind, and learn how negatively it impacts another person, especially a person that you honestly believe would understand.  You have that belief because they went through the event with you, but when you say or do it, it is taken altogether differently, and somehow you walk away being the focus of their anger, bad feelings or whatever you call it.

You don't get angry, but you somehow feel betrayed or disappointed or some kind of way because, you just don't understand why they reacted the way they did and you feel baffled.  The last incident of my day, yesterday, so disturbed me that I have not been able to sleep all night.  I want to cry, but refuse to do so.  The doctors say keep your stress level low.

You listen to all the religion spewing out of their mouths, and you would think that there would be better understanding; less judgmental decision making; more willing to forgive; that small indiscretions would not be blown up into mountains.  You would also believe that all of the Bible reading, and holier than thou behavior would teach love, honor, and respect for one's mother.  You really would believe that those things would be shown to one's mother, especially when they believe that they should receive that from their own children.  Not so.

How do you do that when there seems to be turmoil everywhere.  You walk around  tiptoeing to keep from stepping on toes.  You have no clue what to say to people anymore.  You think you know a person, and learn that you don't.  You hear them profess to love you, but know that they pay lip service to the words.  You are no dummy.  You see how they talk to and treat others.  You watch their interaction with others, and you know exactly how they are with you.  However, when you inquire about their action or behavior, the problem is always with you.

You are the reason they do not talk to you because they have treated you the way they do because you never let them get their point across.  When they are in your presence, they have nothing to say, and only speak to you when you speak to the or they need something.  You can hear them laugh and chat for hours on the phone with others, but have barely two words to speak to you.  You watch their face and actions when they are in your presence and they look sad, unhappy or filled with discontent.

You know in your heart of heart that you have done nothing to them.  Yet, you apologize, you ask for forgiveness,  You are told that you've done nothing and that they are alright.  You act on their words, and the least little thing that you say they immediately take offense.  In any conversation, they find a reason to say anything and everything that comes to their minds about you, if it is negative and they think that it will get a rise out of you, but you cannot do the same.

My Mother would say that I should serve that person with a long spoon, but what if it is your child.  Someone you love more than life itself?

One could be angry.  I am not.  One could return the favor, but it would be futile.  So just what does one do in this unsettling situation?  Walk away because the results are always the same, and enough is enough?  Pretend that everything is alright just to keep some semblance of a relationship?. Or do as that person often spouts, "love them from a distance, and call it a day?"

The situation is very unsettling, and there is a lot of discontent.  As an older woman, I know how to let some things roll off my back.  Yep, I have been around the barn a few times, and I have almost always contributed the stinking attitude and behavior to youthful indiscretions.  However, after years of the same old thing. That position gets old, especially when "youth" has gone, and old age for them is also setting in.

An almost perfect day ended on an almost dreadful note, and left my world once again upside down!  Can't sleep.  Can't stop strangling.  Can't shake my disappointment.  Feeling very unsettled at the moment.

Isn't it amazing how one little small incident can make an otherwise beautiful and wonderful day turn into a lasting and most injurious night!