Non-Humans R Us Newsletters

I need a Hero!

Piper: Gimme one good reason I shouldn't shoot you in the face.
Milton: I'm driving.
Piper: You know what I mean!
Milton: They took her baby. They took her little girl.
Piper: Little girl on the news? The little baby everyone’s looking for?
Milton: Yes. They killed my daughter. They took her baby. That baby girl’s all I got.
- Nicholas Cage and Amber Heard in Drive Angry

Sarah Torrance: I was scared shitless. I mean, I could barely keep my hands from shaking.
Sheriff Ray Owens: That's quite normal. I mean, everyone feels like that during a firefight. I'll tell you a secret. I'm probably more afraid then you are right now.
Sarah Torrance: Whoa... What? How can that be?
Sheriff Ray Owens: Because I've seen enough blood and death. I know what's coming.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jaime Alexander in The Last Stand

[Rooster confronts the four outlaws across the field]
Ned Pepper: What's your intention? Do you think one on four is a dogfall?
Rooster Cogburn: I mean to kill you in one minute, Ned. Or see you hanged in Fort Smith at Judge Parker's convenience. Which'll it be?
Ned Pepper: I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man.
Rooster Cogburn: Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!
- John Wayne and Robert Devall in True Grit (1969)

If the above quotes got you puzzled, and the title hasn’t told you, this newsletter is going to be about the Heroes. After all, we did the bad guys – time for the good guys. And no, I’m not singing “I Need a Hero!” – one can find that on youtube. Besides, the Original “Footloose” and “Shrek 2” fans would be upset if I messed up the song.

Now many of you read Children’s Fairy Tales, you’ll have a Knight in Shining Armor, who has done no wrong, and has come to save the Fair Maiden. There’s no evil in him, he’s pure of heart, always helpful, and he’s there when you need him. Also, he always rescues the Princess. However, many of today’s readers don’t take this guy seriously – it’s not like many of us have lived a pure life after all. Still, he’s fun to use in simple short stories that are fairy-tale-esque.

Most of the time though, our Heroes will be imperfect – they’ll have flaws, make mistakes, have tragic pasts, have done misdeeds, smoke, drink, abuse drugs, or other such things. However, when trouble rears its ugly head, these are the guys who will show up, and fight the hardest to do the right thing, even when the odds aren’t in their favor. In short, they are “Real” people. In many ways, they are angels with no halos, and one wing in the fire, as it were.

Let’s take John Wayne’s character in True Grit, Rooster Cogburn. Many times he’s drinking, and as a result, Mattie gets captured by the gang of outlaws they’d been hunting for. However, in spite of this, he takes on the outlaws in an attempt to save her, and later goes on, essentially, a 50 mile race, in order to save her life, after Mattie gets bit by a rattlesnake.

Then there’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in The Last Stand, Ray Owens. The man is an ex-LA Narcotics officer, but after a drug bust cost the life of his partner, he retired from the force, and became a sheriff in a small town just north of Mexico. However, when one of his deputies is murdered, one who had wanted to follow in his footsteps, it’s up to him to rally his deputies, along with a few deputized civilians, in order to stop a group of Mexican cartel soldiers from helping their leader flee the country.

Finally, we have Nicholas Cage in Drive Angry as John Milton. This guy has a lot against him; murderer, escaped convict, bad husband, and let’s throw in the fact that he’s escaped from Hell, meaning he’s like a minor undead demon, or something. You wouldn’t think he’s a Hero, and in most cases, he wouldn’t be. Just one thing – someone murdered his daughter, abducted her baby girl, and plans to sacrifice said baby in Satan’s name. Yeah, they’ll do that – when Hell freezes over, as Milton will kill anyone between him and his granddaughter.

Some Heroes are people whom you don’t expect to be a hero. Case in point, raise your hand if you think a plumber could lead a rebellion against a superior force – yeah, that’s a hard pill to swallow. The same thing holds true with exterminators. However, that’s the plot of the 2003 video game Freedom Fighters, where a plumber from New York leads a rebellion against Soviet Union forces, and in the 2013 film Big Ass Spider, where an exterminator helps the military to defeat a spider/alien hybrid creature.

Some Heroes are Action Survivors. They are the average guy that finds themselves in situations meant for a professional. In Freedom Fighters, our hero starts off as a plumber, who, with his big brother, is at an apartment when Soviet soldiers show up, and capture the Hero’s big brother, as they think he’s the boyfriend of a woman who writes unflattering things about the Soviet Union. Our Hero is forced to use various weapons to defend himself, and learn how to use them, as he gets to safety. After that, he has to save the woman the soldiers had been looking for, who then helps him to save his brother. Then, it’s off on their way to free the country.

Other Heroes Jump at the Call. These are the guys who dream for Adventure, and when something happens, they get to be the guy who’s the Hero. In Big Ass Spider, an exterminator is in a hospital, due to a bite from a brown recluse spider, only to find out that the bill is $200. At that moment, when he’s about to see about paying for the over-priced medicine, a doctor comes out of the morgue, complaining about a big spider. Our Hero has a talk with the Administrator, saying that if the hospital was willing to clear the bill, he’d deal with the “pest problem”, to which the Administrator agrees, as some things are worth more than money. Of course, our exterminator finds out that the spider is no mere spider – being some sort of alien-hybrid thing, and thus works with a special army squad to kill it, before it has a lot of kids.

Other Heroes, they actually used to be the Villain – Megamind – the guy always fought the Hero, until the guy decided to retire by faking his death. However, Megamind dislikes being the Victor, and decides to create the Hero’s Successor – big mistake, as it turns out the new guy has a lot of issues, and doesn’t play by the rules, forcing Megamind to fight on behalf of the city he once tried to destroy.

Others, well, they are known as Jerkasses with Hearts of Gold. They’re the kind of guys who wouldn’t give a begging kid a handout, telling them to scram. Then the kid steals their wallet, and the guy chases him, with the intentions of tanning the kid’s hide. However, when they see the kid hand the wallet to a Thug, as it were, who then beats the kid for not having enough money to buy them off, they’re the kind of guy that goes – “Hey! Pick on someone your own size!” – and then proceeds to pound the Thug’s face into the wall/pavement. After that, they might buy the kid an apple pie with ice cream, or just drop them off with Child Services. He’s no angel, but he’s not that bad.

Then you’ve got Bad Guys with Standards/Loved Ones. For instance, this guy might be a Hired Killer, and he kills the members of this gang he was hired to eliminate. However, on his way home, he sees a couple of Punks roughing up an old lady, knocking her groceries out of her arms, and trying to make off with her purse. He grabs the two, and tosses them off of her, and when they argue, he either pulls his coat back slightly, revealing the handle of a gun, or rolls one of his sleeves up, revealing one of those types of tattoos that your average person doesn’t get – in any case, the Punks run off. After that, our Killer helps the old lady with her things. Why? Well, maybe he has a soft spot for old ladies – perhaps one was nice to him when he was younger – or maybe, that old lady is his mother, and he’s just being protective of her, like any Good Son should be.

Then you’ve got those Mama Bear/Papa Wolf times – In short – bad guys kidnap a child, only for their father, or mother, or both, to come after them with enough weapons to take on a third world country. As it turns out, Daddy’s a Green Beret, and Mommy’s a SEAL – or some such thing, and they plan on getting their child back, and sending the bad guys to Hell.

Now, Heroes come in all shapes and sizes. Some are obviously big, strong tough guys. Others are small, meek, and weak. Some are human, and some aren’t. However, looks aren’t what makes a Hero, it’s what they do that makes them Heroes, like the men and women of law enforcement, and the fire department, who risk their lives in order to save others. So, the next time you need a Hero, be sure not to blind them with the searchlight.