Finding My Words

The Bottom Line

Some days you just come up against it don't you?  Today is one of those days and it really frustrates me.


One of the biggest things to have happened to me in my 42 years on this beautiful planet is having had cancer. It kind of wasn't in my master plan, you know?  It was a rough journey now that I have had a little space to look back on it.  Two and a half years of different chemotherapies, two terminal diagnosis during that time, the finding of my miracle drug at just the right time, being burnt by radiotherapy and then undergoing a stem cell transplant.  I am thrilled to say we eventually beat its butt and three years in remission it all feels positive if still a little raw.


I have become OK with talking about it, don't misunderstand me here, I don't want or need sympathy, that would drive me nuts.  I do however find that connecting with other people who have been on their own journey and come out the other end helps us all through what is an uncharted turbulent ocean of uncertainty.





One of the big things that has come up is how much all that chemo affects the brain.  There are a few physical signs, being overweight, having no stamina, hot flashes, having breathing difficulties, I can deal with all of that in one way or another.  the mental capacity is something different though and I can't help but compare myself to the person I was before.


Back in 2009 I was a slim size twelve, full of drive, ambition, vigour and smart too.  I could find my way around most things and if I didn't know i went right out there and learned.  I had a thriving business as an artist, I managed all my business affairs single handedly whilst also being a mum and wife.


Six years on, I have put on weight from having had so many steroids and chemicals pumped into my body, i'm not allowed to diet for another couple of years.  I have energy limits, a full days work has me exhausted and unable to carry on the following day, accompanied by screaming muscles.  The biggest drawback is that I can't multitask any more.  I can only concentrate on one thing at a time, I have the attenton span of a goldfish if I am distracted.  I have serious short term memory problems, not useful when doing everyday stuff like cooking and remembering appointments.  This has made me decide to close my business as an artist and look for something to help my brain re learn.


The other thing that bothers me is my computer screen.  I have one hell of a job navigating complicated sites, such as this one.  there are so many places, so many things to remember, so being a member of this is a big deal for me, and it is going to take me a chunk of time to start to learn the ropes.





On the positive side (and believe me there is a TON of positive stuff from having survived cancer), it has opened up a door through which I have only ever peered through the letterbox.  Writing is so cathartic for me, I keep a journal these days, write odd posts on my facebook wall to keep my friends on their toes, write stream of conciousness short stories that I put in a place to be reviewed and looked at in the future.  I am calmer, more in tune with myself and my needs and those of my family and friends than I ever was before.  I am learning to wander a little in life and find new and exciting things that before I would have dashed past without a second glance.


I know there is something else out there for me and that I need a little more time to heal and nurture myself.  I am hoping to do a part time creative writing degree this autumn via distance learning, maybe with a view to taking the skills I learn into cancer therapy units in my area, helping people to journal and heal through writing.  it's a long way off, but I relish the challenge of rebuilding myself and helping others too.





Please be assured... Normal service will resume tomorrow ;)