Wondering about my Wanderings

Therapy in retreat

I am scheduled to see my therapist yesterday, oops! This is a therapist I have been seeing for close to nine years.

I believe some of this is due to some painful stuff coming to the surface. It is kind of running away from something that I can not catch and in reality that same something can not catch me.

It may be confusing and yet at the same time it can make sense.

I think of the story of Jonah as a springboard. He was told to go to Nineveh of all places. I was told to go to my own kind of Nineveh and have done all I can to avoid it.

In the 70's I became victim to the stigma of mental illness. That has been a very difficult pill for me to swallow and in a sense I wallow in my own sense of being caught as if in the belly of a smelly fish. I was faced with the fact of my demise as I saw youth ruling at my workplace. It was the same age at which my journey into the "dark" side began. What troubles me most is that I may of somehow been able to stop it from happening or at least have snapped out of it before it overcame me.

More and more I see that I merely watched chemical imbalances run rampart. Life was out of control (completely) until I was involved in therapy and given meds that helped me manage.

What stinks is that I can not get out of the smelly fish without praying (getting sick and tired of being caught in there).
Yes I am functional. I am working, married, have kids and have had a measure of success. Yet I refuse to join the painful part of me as a weird kind of gift. God says to get out of the fish and go to Nineveh. Denial will not get me out. I pray for courage and some sense that it will make any difference at all if I admit I hate the smell and venture forth and help others see that mental illness is not the problem.