Perpetual Ruminations

Tuesday

One more day and then I'm off to see a doctor to find out what's going on inside. I suspect my fall back in May could have torn my hernia patch loose, or something similar. Of course I should have gone in right away, but since we were short on help at work, there wasn't anyone to fill in. In fact, I was filling in for the short shifts. Also, I had thoughts that it would all heal up, after all, I'm kind of tough and don't usually get anything for serious injury.

But, this problem has continued, although it was better, since the accident. I should also mention that there has been some pain and problems ever since the surgery. But, whatever is wrong is now constant, and the pain becomes very intense at times. I suppose I tore the patch away from the tissue or something like that. It cold even be a new hernia below the repaired one, or possibly, something was left inside during the surgery.

Whatever it is, I should know more by tomorrow. Even so, I suspect that the clinic will want me to go in and see someone else and possibly have some type of scan done. Then, it will be a review of the results and another consultation with a surgeon who will then recommend surgery and set a date. A lot of time and money involved, and a big part of why I do not like seeking medical attention. I mean, if you were to take your car in for a repair, and the guy then checked it out, sent you to another place to have another person check it out, then had you come back in to go over the results of the other persons check up before scheduling you to go see yet another mechanic who confirms what the first two decided and then he set you up for a day and time to have the damn flat tire fixed, would you still willing go in for any repairs?

Anyway, I know, it's a bit more complicated than that. for one thing, the clinic will not have the means to do an in-depth can to see what needs to be done, so of course they will have to send me someplace to have that done. And, once they have the information they are going to need to discuss options and set me up to see a surgeon, if that's what is required. Still, it kind of bugs me to go through all that, especially when I have done this before and it was nothing more than some simple procedure or medication my clinic doctor could have given me in the first place.

For now, I see a doctor at the clinic, find out what's likely wrong, and what is likely going ot be the course of action needed to get things fixed. I will also find out if I can work, although that's pretty apparent already. I just did up a few dishes and was in agony from that. Also, I did work a few hours on Saturday since we didn't have time to get anyone else in. I made it, but the walking didn't help out any. Bending aggravated the site a lot, and if something needs lifted or moved, I'm in agony. I really can't do the job properly, and without great discomfort to myself. I may even be making the injury worse. Rhonda will fill in with most of my off site duties, and has already set up a schedule without me on it. After I finish at the clinic tomorrow and have something from my doctor that states I will not be able to work for a while, I'll make it all official with the company, as well as at the store where we provide our service.

This means more time for other things, although much of the work I need to get done around here is out of the question. Time -- something I have not had much of for three long years. The good part is, I can sit up in my office chair and lean on the writing desk to do things on my laptop. In other words, I can come in here and read, review, and yes, even write. In fact, I have even committed myself to a 52 week writing challenge.

I know, it's going to be tough at times, but I need to do this. I need to break the work cycle that has invaded my life and taken over all aspects of my time, energy, and imagination. The time part is both time at work, and the time I have to put in outside of work. It seems we are always short on help, or needing to fill in for someone. But then when I'm not at work, I'm doing all the supervisory parts of my job because of the no electronics or phones at work rule.

this has since changed, and it helps, but it is dependent on how busy it is at work. It's damn difficult to get anything done when you have to stop every few minutes to check guests leaving the yard. Yes, that is the main duty and the top priority while working, so it has to come first. If there's time, I may or may not get much done while there. But, even if I do get some work done, I have no access to the Internet, so I still have to wait until I get home to finish it all up.

Energy has been in short supply, mostly again as a result of working so many hours. I may or may not go into overtime on the job, but the time I spend outside of the site doing work also takes up a lot of energy. Especially since I have been opening; getting up at three in the morning is not natural, and even with a full nights sleep leaves a person run down and tired. But, being a night owl, I have a difficult time going to bed early enough to get a full nights sleep, resulting in a typical four to five hours of sleep a night. Yes, I have not only been using a lot of energy for work, but I have not been recharging fully most nights.

As for imagination, it really doesn't require a lot for my job, it's pretty cut and dry. Common sense now is another thing, but imagination is not a requirement. But, with all the stress and headaches that come with my position as supervisor, not to mention the lack of good workers, my mind is always busy with problems and searching for solutions. This kind of overruns the imagination area and leaves it short circuited. I'm one of these people that cannot shut off their brain. It works full time on anything that requires attention, and it's difficult for me to change channels and let my creative side flow when there are numerous problems and thoughts going on.

It's kind of like an old AM radio, I suppose. If there are only a few stations close by, they all come in nice and clear. But, if conditions are right, distant stations also come in, sometimes bleeding over the close ones. That's how my brain works, I can channel so many thoughts and function fine, but if there's specific conditions that cause higher concern, these thoughts bleed over into the other channels. Likewise, if there is just too much going on, too many thought channels open, the also tend to bleed over into other channels.

the worst part has been my own personality, however. I'm an introvert and my biggest focus in inward. I do great by myself, and need time to reflect inward. It's this inward travel that provides me with an escape from things. it's not insanity; no nothing like that. It's where I go to write, and where my creativity lies. I'm not out of touch with reality, I'm just not overwhelmed by it. I go into my thoughts and imagination, and then things begin  to flow out onto paper. But, with the job being the way it's been, there is so little time for me to spend with self. Hell, I haven't had much time to spend with anyone, other than work related. Since most people I know are more extroverts, this also has become a problem. When I do find some time, they are there to demand it be spent with them. Of course, they don't and can't understand my need for time alone, with self, and I do enjoy my time with them, too. I just need enough to go around, some for work, some for socializing, and some for me.

Well, as you can see, I now have some time for me, and I'm spending quite a bit of it reflecting inward and getting a lot of this stuff out where I can see it and deal with it. It's plain enough to see, I'm a writer, it's a part of who I am and how I function. I can't "not write." Pardon my double negative, but it puts the point right there. I have to write just as sure as I have to eat, drink, and breath.

Now, if I could just earn some money by doing this; if I could make as much writing as I do working full time, I could quit my job and take up writing full time.