Perpetual Ruminations

Wednesday

No entry again yesterday, but then it was another drive to Sioux Falls to talk to a surgeon about the results of a CT Scan and n Ultrasound. It was an early appointment and I was back home by early afternoon, no reason why I didn't have time to log in and write a little in here, but I just didn't find the motivation. I should have, since writing helps me to sort things out, but I just didn't make it. I suppose I would be honest in saying I was just too distracted with my thoughts and anxieties.

Not that I had a bad visit with the doctor, it was actually pretty good. I had believed I had torn an old hernia patch, or ripped a new hernia below it. But the scan indicated the patch is intact and in place, no problems with it at all. There also was no new hernia, or problems found. This is good news, except it does not provide any reason for the severe pain I have been suffering in my lower abdomen. In fact, he seemed to show little concern over this pain, and after poking and pressing and lots of coughing on my part, he was content that there wasn't anything wrong. Possibly phantom pain from the first hernia.

I have had some of this pain ever since the hernia patch was placed. I know what that feels like and I know what this feels like, and it is not the same. It feels like there is a sharp knife inside me, trying to pierce through my abdominal wall. The good news is, it's feeling better. It's not shooting pain with just about every movement anymore. This week, since Tuesday when it hurt the worst from sitting and driving, has shown great improvement. It's still sore, but it's not off and on, just a constant, but very tolerable ache in the area now. Some movement does increase it slightly, but it's so much better than it was at the first part of the week.

He, the doctor, is still looking for possible causes, but it's in a new direction. He's also concerned about the gallbladder problem. He hasn't ruled out the gallbladder, but there are no stones. The Ultra Sound did not show as much as he wanted, because they didn't inject any die, so it does not indicate anything other than no stones currently in the organ or duct. But, it could have passed, and there could be other problems with the organ. He also suspects it could be my stomach. So, on Friday, I return to Sioux Falls to have a scope put inside so he can look at the stomach for damage or problems. At the same time, but not simultaneously, a scope will be put in the other end and look at possible problems with the colon and that general area.

No answers yet, but more questions now. Also, they had not set up any appointments for this when I left, but called less than an hour after my visit to set up a time for me to go in for this next procedure. They wanted Thursday or Friday of this week, I had just seen him on Tuesday. since there is cost involved and money is tight, we had hoped to wait until next week. But when they called, it was stated that the doctor wanted to run this series of tests as soon as possible, this week. Why? What didn't he tell me that he suspects? There must be a reason he wants to move so quickly to confirm something is or is not wrong with these two tests.

Now, with no answers, I wait for Friday. I'm hopeful there isn't anything seriously wrong, but yet I'm also eager to get some kind of an answer. If this does not give the answers, then what?

These are the things that want to preoccupy my thinking, and it's making it more and more difficult to stay calm and write. Yet by writing these out, I can give them substance and put them into perspective. Yet, not knowing instills a fear of far worse things than a faulty gallbladder and a hernia, both easy fixes. That's what I had thought, that's what I had hoped, but now, nothing is for sure; will there be a quick and easy fix or is this a turning point in life? I'm in my early fifties and nothing can be ruled out...