Perpetual Ruminations

Thursday

I'm having kind of a stressful day, not sure what will be found tomorrow during the medical prosecute, or if nothing will turn up, leaving nothing but more questions. Having anxiety issues, it's been pretty difficult all the way through this, but I've handled it pretty well. Last night it all finally seemed to surface, and I slept very little. By early this morning, I was sleeping pretty well, but would still wake with bouts of anxiety. It's amazing how worked up a person can become over the unknown sometimes.

Besides the anxiety issue, I can't eat anything today, tonight or tomorrow until after the procedure is done. I can have clear liquids, but that's it. This, with the anxiety, is making for a pretty difficult day. Then, if I add in the fact that I started smoking again, but am not smoking today because of the procedure and being put out for it tomorrow, it's even tougher. Luckily, I have not been smoking a lot this time around, and not for very long.

It started with just a cigar here and there, like around a fire at night. Then, with all the stress at work, the medical problems from my mishap in May, and some other issues, I found myself enjoying a cigar just about every night. From there, it became easy to slowly increase the amount I was smoking each day. Luckily, I remember just how tough it was to quit, and refused to go that direction again. I did have a few real tough days that I smoked a little more, but as a rule I tried to limit myself to two cigars a day. And, I should note, I do not smile large cigars, but the cigarillo size.

Some days I did good with only one, but lately, with all the stuff going on, it's been two or three a day.  I know, not bad, but still enough to cause Rhonda some concern.

Now, with this procedure tomorrow morning requiring me to be put to sleep for about an hour, I wanted to make sure my lungs were pretty well clear of the smoke. So, I enjoyed my last cigar last night, and refuse to have any today. In fact, just in case the habit had grown strong on me, I made sure I don't even have any today, and I also don't have any way to get any, except to call Rhonda to bring some home with her. So far, I can't say I have even missed them.

I don't find myself craving a smoke, or even find myself thinking about one. Except for writing about cigars here, they have not even occupied my thoughts today. Food has, I'm very hungry, but I can drink juices, pop, water, coffee, tea, just about anything that qualifies as a clear liquid, The only exceptions are, no red or purple colors, they could interfere with the images coming in through the scope. But, just drinking a lot is not providing much satisfaction for my desire to eat something, and it's just going to keep getting worse.

Tomorrow, the test and then I finally can eat. But, by the time I'm able to, it's going to be closing in on about forty hours without eating. Then, there's the sick feeling from being put under, as well as the upset stomach from having a scope shoved down my throat. I know I won't want much until after we get back home, and even then I may not be up to eating until later in the afternoon.

By the time I can eat, and want to eat, I have a feeling that food will make me feel sicker yet. So, it's light food on the menu, chicken noodle soup from a can. Later on, if my appetite and stomach will allow, I may have some beef-noodle hot-dish. We will see how things go. I know by Saturday, however, I'm going ot be starved, and able to eat pretty much anything again. Only, after very little food in just over two days, which it will be by Saturday, I have a feeling my stomach wont hold much before feeling stuffed. This is a good thing, and hopefully will continue, so losing some excess weight will be easier.

If this is combined with some good news and an end to the problems I'm having, it's all worth it.