Witness to Withness

A Minister and Yet

Caught in a web of searching for food,
A spider spinning, catching, an eye,
looking for a way to understand.
How do I get free



It is one thing to see ministry at work and quite another to determine how it happened in the first place!!


          I had been in emotional illness exile off and on for the space of about eight months. As I looked at what happened between Jerry and I wondered what happened that put me in such a vulnerable position. Who knows why? I am sure that many people know and have already told me. It was during this time that I was going to ministry school and I was very sure that I was called to be a pastor. I went to a pastor's class and determined before witnesses in the presence of my pastor and Christian teaching (the five spiritual laws) that I accepted Jesus as my personal savior and during a sermon, my first one I felt the anointing of God's Spirit to preach the good news and answer God's call. That is all well and good. Yet a crisis of faith took place and I am of the opinion that it doggedly follows me despite the well-meaning interventions of so many who know for sure what the matter with me is and if I would only listen I would not feel bad anymore. After all I had been studying the bible laboriously before the crisis. In it was the recipe for eternal life and salvation in the person of the one I gave my life to.

          I was hospitalized in the fall of 1975 and from then on things got real strange. You see this was never supposed to happen. That was not part of the script. For that eight month period there were no ministers that took an interest in me and yes people have told all kinds of reasons that were the case. I wrote a letter to my own pastor and addressed this issue if for no other reason curious. He let me know that youth tend to seek their own spiritual direction and though I was a member of his church he was not sure that if I had a stronger connection somewhere else. Our correspondence ended quite abruptly. People call me self-righteous and a lot of other things for expecting ministry that never seemed to be there; maybe I was just not ready for it. It was God's test.

          As I look back it was a painful time for me. I thought to myself I am not entitled to any of the feelings I have and maybe am just feeling sorry for myself. I sat in places longing for the presence of a minister to be with me as I was questioning my own call and salvation. It never happened. As a result I became bitter. It was somewhere between thinking that because of my sin that I was in this crazy predicament and wondering if the reason people were staying clear was that I might lead others into my state of disarray. Therefore now when I hear people quote all manner of scriptures pleading for me to listen I cannot hear. Where were they when I needed the word and what would that word have done except condemn me when I was in my ruinous state.

          What added to my confusion are the places where there were glimmers of light. This might say something about my depraved condition. I really do not know. A former Catholic priest took an interest in me. He wrote me letter write up until my second year in seminary. I felt encouraged about what he wrote. It kept me on track. Then there came a fateful day. My mentally brother saw it and I did not. I was being groomed my Walter. His last name was Delude, which speaks to me of someone who deluded/fooled me. realized I had been used by someone I thought was a friend. I was embarrassed but life goes on.

          My faith hinged on a vision that came to me. I honestly believe it was sent to me by God. I was in a depressed state, as depressed as I have ever been in my life. I had nearly given up and was fearful of losing my salvation. A vision came to me of Jesus on the cross. I was told that by the vision that Jesus understood the pain. I was not alone. Soon after I was risen up out of my near death experience. I live to share that hope with others. I believe that is a good deal of my call. I also in an infantile way lean on the fact that believing on Jesus is enough. After all it says that in scripture and it is only by the grace of God I will be with Jesus again. In the meantime I listened to many people well meaning. They shared the word and all I could feel was condemnation. If I had only listened to them I would never have been crazy and when crazy the words they had would have delivered me if I had only listened. I am a minister and yet I needed ministering by the power of the word.