Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about the house party jams.

"Invalid Item" 

"Ahh, we've all been to a house party, right? Let's get warmed up with an easy category. Make me the best possible house party playlist, and don't forget to add commentary about your picks! I can't judge a list of songs without your blogging skills added to it. "

What's up you guys! Y'all know it's "Invalid Item" , and there are approximately 3,867 different events going on throughout WDC that coincide with it. It's so big that even a slacker-ass slacker like myself is hosting/judging two of the contests. In all my years here I think this is the most I've ever been involved in all the goings-on and whatnot, between the stuff I normally do and kinda sorta do and now this. It's pretty wild. It almost feels like a New Years' Eve television party broadcast with cameras stationed all over the place... "And now we're gonna head back to Charlie ~ in the midwest, where he's standing by with another list of house party anthems! What's up, Charlie?" while some meathead in the back has his face painted and is flashin' the ol' devil horns and shouting "Central High football rules!!" (and it totally does, by the way).

And out I come, straight up Dick Clarkin' on your tv screen like some sort of marriage between American Bandstand   and Behind The Music   (if you don't know, ask your parents). This might not be the ultimate list; I won't kid or insult you and say it is. It could very well not even be my ultimate list...I might stumble back over this assemblage of talent and be like "Why didn't you include so-and-so, or this or that?" I also knew if I came up with three or four songs, I'd probably come up with thirty or forty. These are just songs that I know I've partied to. Mostly in houses. And if I happen to be anywhere in public that one of these songs starts playin' today, I might break out a house party of my own on the spot. Which gets really fun and potentially awkward if you're waiting in the checkout line at the drugstore and you kinda have a limp and can't dance well anymore.

I've tried to assemble this in the best order as possible (without making too much of an all-day project out of it...I'm good at fretting over playlists and track orders like Carson Daly screws up relationships with hot actresses by being Carson Daly [call me, Jennifer Love Hewitt ]), but you know most house parties start with just a few people and the radio on as ambient background noise before suddenly exploding into some kind of frenzy once someone who knows anything about music shows up and finds the stereo knobs. That said, I'll shut up now and get into my selections (with the fair, standard NSFW warning, of course).

1) "Body Movin'" by the Beastie Boys   The people might've started showin' up an hour ago, but they're just gettin' socially lubed up and waitin' for that one song where they can start dancin' and not stop for awhile. And I'm nominating this song, because sometimes all you need is a beat and a catchy chorus to get the masses' asses shakin'.

2) "Song 2" by Blur   Yes, I know it's the classic second song trope, but if your party isn't in a full-blown frenzy by the time the first chorus kicks in, then your party officially sucks. About twenty people in the United States know who Blur is and what the verses in "Song 2" are, but everyone knows the whoo-hoo!! because I'm pretty sure it's on the US Citizenship Exam For Foreigners and has been printed on the backs of every American's birth certificate since 1846.

3) "Scenario" by A Tribe Called Quest   Another song by a group you know next to nothing about, but damn near every time someone mentions the word "scenario" in casual conversation, you find yourself with an urge to jump up and down in place yelling "Here we go, yo!". And then out comes Busta Rhymes from some kind of Brooklyn cave like he actually is a dungeon dragon, just so you and your crew can lose their collective shit in that moment.

4) "Party Over Here" by Atmosphere   A house party song about...wait for it...an actual house party (and if you think I'm puttin' any of this nonsense   on my list, you're readin' the wrong blog). You've seen all these people before. You might even be one of these people. But you don't care, because there's that crazy chaotic noise goin' on next to that chunk-o'-funk bassline, and all the sudden you're pointin' at your girl like Party over here! Fuck you over there! and almost actually believin' it.

5) "The Rockafeller Skank" by Fatboy Slim   You could argue for any uptempo Fatboy Slim song being on this list. You could also probably throw on You've Come A Long Way, Baby   and rock a party with just that. But if you want the wildest night of your life summed up in about four minutes, drop the video edit of this cut and your biography is on its way.

6) "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats   It's bound to happen at some point...a drunk girl is gonna stumble over to the stereo, all bitchy like, to announce "This music sucks!" as she starts throwin' cds like she's doin' 85 down the I-90 after hearing that the New Kids On The Block just broke up. And if you're lucky, she'll end up here and not, say, some sad-ass country song that reminds her of her first true love who dumped her because she wouldn't put out in eighth grade. Trust me, you want her to end up here, even if she's ten times more annoying after half a wine cooler.

7) "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners   And chances are, that same drunk girl is only capable of reading two numbers: 8, and 0...which means she found someone's secret I The '80's disc stashed away where it can only be found by using the radar of a drunk girl. But no one cares, because suddenly everyone remembers when MTV used to actually play music, and twenty seconds of this song are wasted reminiscing about that before giving way to what the hell does "Too-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-rye, aye" even mean??"

8) "Brick House" by The Commodores   You think the party might be winding down, and you're ready to take a break and get some fresh air, but you hear the horns start hornin' and it's all you can do to get yourself back into the dance position. Fun fact: Before Lionel Richie was just some spoiled reality show strumpet's famous rich dad, he was Lionel Richie, a Commodore. Go on, enthrall your friends with that one, on me, no charge.

9) "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC   This is it...the penultimate song here and definitely the one that will get a lot of shit broken in your house if it isn't already because at this point in the night everyone thinks they know how to dance to it even though it's not a song to dance to. This is where the messes truly begin. The drinks get spilled. There's a pizza slice-shaped stain on the wall. And you don't know it yet, but you're about to hook up with the second-ugliest person holdin' up the building in about fifteen blurry minutes.

10) "What I Got" by Sublime   And hopefully, unless you wound up makin' a baby, this is what you're likely to remember most about the night...for some, the house lights are about to come on; for others, maybe a different kind of party is about to begin, but this is what it's all about. You'll take a second or two and try and soak it all in. These are your people, and this is what you love the most about them. Moments like this, where everyone's singin' along, loud and out of key and nobody gives a fuck. It could be three or eight or twenty of you, and you'll all share the same group hug, and swear it'll never end...like my man Winkz, who was barely a few years old when Sublime came to an abrupt halt, loves to quote: "Life is Too $hort so love the one you got 'cuz you might get run over or you might get shot." Truer words may never have been spoken.

There it is. I'll hang up now and listen. Feel free to share your concerns...since the last paragraph I've already thought of three more songs I've forgotten about that could've ended up on this list, so I better quit now and post this up before I change my mind. Peace, too hype, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!