Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about the ten song wedding.

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"Make the perfect playlist for your wedding/wedding reception!"

Hi guys...I'm back for a second round today; I can't remember the last time I came up with two entries in one day. At least they're shorter than normal, right?

So...weddings. I feel like I've been to a lot of them. Not so many that I'm some kind of expert on them; christ, could you imagine if the only requirement for being a good husband was having attended x-amount of weddings? I wouldn't be on the Mount Rushmore of husbandry or anything nationally, but maybe in my neighborhood at least.

But damn...all weddings are pretty much the same (sorry everyone who's been a bride, but your wedding wasn't any special-er than anyone else's). Swap out some faces and backgrounds, and 95% of them are alike. Which is to say...if you're paying someone to plan this stuff for you, you're being ripped off. But please, don't let life stop teaching you lessons.

The worst part of these parties (yep, glorified parties...I went there) is definitely the music. Ten percent of the music played at every wedding are songs that I guess you could consider "love songs", in every measurable category. The other ninety percent? Shitty dance-rock from the 70's and 80's, the occasional 90's prom song, "The Macarena", "The Chicken Dance", and that one slow song by the country singer dude whose every other song is basically a metaphor for gettin' chicks drunk and bangin' 'em either in a barn or a backseat, or the backseat of a car parked in a barn. It's amazing that people still pay other people to play non-live music at these gatherings, given all the amazing technology we have at out disposal. Hasn't anyone figured out how much music can fit on an iPod so that it can play for a few hours while some six-year-old whose parents couldn't find a babysitter hits the pause button every couple songs so the old folks don't feel like they're being ignored?

He'll DJ your wedding for half the price of his competitors!

Also, wedding receptions are way too fucking long. Why do they have to be so long? No one enjoys them that much...especially the bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom). And as guests, we spend more time waiting in line at the open bar than we actually spend with the quote-unquote happy couple (who, it should be noted again for clarity, aren't all that happy after spending months and years designing every last detail all for it to be over with in a flash and are wondering mid-way through dinner what they could possibly have forgotten to pack for the honeymoon). We're celebrating being able to carry seven gin and tonics back to the table in one trip before the bar closes for dinner rather than celebrating the love two people share for each other.

Many women have dreamed about their wedding day since they were littler women. Little women, because girls play with dolls and have tea parties and get their pigtails pulled by boys...but bring up the idea of marriage to a girl in kindergarten and all the sudden she's a god damn grown-up Disney princess with a 3-ring binder full of articulate wedding plans with seating charts, menus, building codes for every fire hall in a 300-mile radius, diagrams, schematics, that mysterious Wu-Tang album that they only pressed one copy of, the original Mona Lisa, and a pre-nup. Dudes just show up and hope they remember which three letters are in "I do" after spending all morning drinkin' with their buddies...bonus points if they're clean-shaven and their shirt is buttoned correctly.

This is the most important day of a bride's life. Don't let her fool you by saying some shit like "the day I graduated from college" or "the birth of my kid(s)" or "that night I broke outta prison". This is what they've lived their whole lives for, and they're not gonna let you ruin one god-forsaken second of it. Oh, they might throw you a bone and let you narrow down the dinner options from 12 choices to 5, or "put you in charge of the music" ( - see the point above about all the music at weddings being the same anyway), but nothing about this day has anything to do with you besides your last name maybe becoming hers (and that's not even that popular of an option anymore). That's why I've decided that if/when I get married (I know, I can't believe I'm still single either ), it's gonna be to someone who isn't concerned about the actual wedding reception. I realize that that's probably like, I dunno, three women, maybe four, and perhaps I've been too picky about this whole marriage concept in the first place, but I always assumed that if two people loved each other a whole lot, it didn't matter how they spent one Saturday night so long as they had the rest of their lives together. Silly me. But anyway, sure, me and my lucky lady, we'll have a nice dinner, we'll shake some hands, give some hugs, have a few turns on the dance floor, and then we're gonna make like John and Yoko and not get outta bed for a whole week. And to think there are people out there who actually believe they're the lucky ones!

So here's the playlist I'm submitting. None of the same crap you can hear at every other wedding. Seriously, if you need to dance to "It's Raining Men", go to someone else's wedding, or homecoming, or a gay bar. Ugh...why are most of the songs played at weddings so decidedly unromantic? There is not, never was, and never will be, anything cute or sexy or lovey-dovey about line dancing...all the "Cha Cha Slide" proves is that you can follow directions, like an adult "Hokey Pokey" fueled by wine. Fuck that. Don't like it? Hey, just be glad the wifey and I didn't make you pay for your own plate at the all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet (and they count the silverware there, so don't think you can shove some in your pockets in lieu of "favors").

1) "From Out Of Nowhere" by Faith No More   If any part of tradition needs to be adhered to, then this can be the first dance, or the song that we enter to, or whatever. No choreographed bullshit that people waste all their time on (remember when people didn't spend hours watching videos of that nonsense on YouTube? Man, those were simpler times). Just a straight-ahead, churning number that grandma can mosh to.

2) "Love Buzz" by Nirvana   This is where it all began for me...when I knew that I was destined to DJ my own wedding. You know that feeling you get the first time you have a crush on someone; that tingly-jingle in your belly? The flutter in your heart that isn't a result of your Ritalin? When I heard this song, I knew it was meant to be. My maybe-future wife...she'll understand.

3) "All I Need" by Method Man (featuring Mary J. Blige)   For real. Love isn't just roses and unicorns and brides in white. Sometimes it's grimy, and bodily fluids get exchanged, and someone has to claim the wet spot. Not all romances come straight outta the Sinatra diaries or look like the main characters rode cleanly on horseback into happily ever after. Why do we place so much emphasis on the ideas of what we think romance is supposed to be?

4) "Getting By With It" by Reggie And The Full Effect   I love this song because the piano is so bouncy and fun. People like bouncy and fun at weddings, right? This video had 604 views as of my typing this entry. I'll bet at least 604 people got married yesterday. Something's not right here you guys, and this time it's not me. Plus, the chorus is totally something two people in love with each other should say to their partners more often.

5) "Happymess" by Atmosphere   Time to slow it down a little, kids...this is a couples skate only! This song is so adorable in the most not-adorable way, like two people who you probably thought will never get married are gonna look so sweet dancin' to it at their reception. I told my ex-girlfriend we were definitely playing this at our party. Did I mention I'm very single right now?

6) "Still Remains" by Stone Temple Pilots   I'm not sure there's a more outright declaration of your absolute love for another human being than "Take a bath; I'll drink the water that you leave". Sometimes we give Scott Weiland too much credit for his batshit heroin habit, and not enough attention for his batshit lyrics.

7) "You're My Heart" by LL Cool J   Another slow jam for all the old people in the house...many of you are too young to remember a time when Uncle L made records that didn't suck. I was just a lovestruck boy when this song came out, having gone through that awkward phase in life when people have feelings (it's the worst...I'm so glad it's over). Seriously...I might've been 12 or 13 at the time, and I think I've recently moved past all that.

8) "Wishlist" by Pearl Jam   Ok, I had to stuff one sorta mainstream song into the playlist just to prove I'm not anti-romance or anything. I've got some, ummm, well, let's not get too carried away now. Geez.

9) "Grow Old With You" by Adam Sandler   Adam Sandler movies have sucked ass for at least the last decade, but ya gotta admit The Wedding Singer was pretty good...and I'm not so heartless that I couldn't be moved by this moment. Hell, if I knew how to play guitar and could stand flying and do both at the same time and wanted to be on a plane at the same time with some girl I was madly in love with while she was running off with someone else, I'd totally do this!

10) "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" by Dropkick Murphys   Weddings are supposed to be fun, for everyone, and if you haven't had a good time by the time we're ready to get on with the next phase of family-makin', then my friends, that's not mine and the missus' faults. Know what I'm sayin'? And maybe you'll meet someone during this song, and someday you'll get hitched too.

Like I said, I've been to more than a couple of these things in my day. I've seen some stuff. I guarantee you, this wouldn't even be close to the worst wedding in history...but then again, I'm pretty sure nothing will ever top (or bottom...your call) this amazing Pennsylvanian wedding reception  . Call me crazy (and many of you have, or will shortly). Personally, I don't think I'm asking for all that much here. I think what I'm looking for pales in comparison to the demands it seems society places on women and their expected role in the union between them and the men (or other women) who love them. Children are being raised now by a society that asks so much more of them...I ask you: Why? Why can't it all be more simple? After all, the people we may choose to spend the rest of our life with may not always stick around, but the memory of playing whatever you damn well please at that wedding will always be there . Peace, would you believe me, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!