Voice Lessons

On mute

Can't sleep. I was just laying in bed having a pity party and crying. I feel unseen and irrelevant. It sucks to have useless talents.  I'm stuck at home watching the world move around me. While I can write, it has no place in my "real" life. This is the only place where I get any validation and am noticed for my efforts. When you have nothing to offer, you become nothing.

When I speak of this to anyone I get 1 of 2 answers. Family and service. But they aren't enough to pull me out of this mindset.

#1 Family - "You are a wife and mother. Your family needs and appreciates you for all you do."

I know it's true, but it doesn't make me feel better. I'm needed for what I do, not who I am. Not intellectually. I guess it's because I come from a very high achieving family. My sister's boss is running for Speaker of the House, and I'm supposed to be proud that I made dinner and vacuumed the living room?! Really?

My children are well adjusted and are accomplished which shows I'm doing something right. To this day, my highest achievement was competing internationally in ballroom dance. When I was 16. I'm now 41, and have done nothing noteworthy since then. Every one of my sisters have been praised by the community for their contributions on the news or in articles. All I can say is that we're related. Lucky me.

#2 Service - "When you are serving others, you find your own sense of self. You serve the Lord and find your talents help others"

A nice sentiment and really very true. However, I have discovered it is impossible in my situation. Apparently, you are either the serving or the served but cannot be both. I require a lot of help to get around and must be the recipient of service. Everyone is quite willing to give it, (but only if it fits into thier schedule and requires only 20 minutes). No one is anxious to recieve it however. But, when there is a service required, I am never asked to help. It's too much to ask, you see, due to my medical struggles. I not bedridden people! I have something to offer! No one seems to have enough time. That's all I have and I can't give it away.

As I look over my few blog entries, I find I write about my frustration with loneliness a lot. When will this get better? I'm trying to find a part time job to get out of the house. But with no work history for the last 13 years, it's a long shot. Once again, a lot to offer, but nothing anyone needs.

Thus my pity party. Things look darkest before the dawn, they say. I'm anxiously awaiting the dawn.