Witness to Withness

Learning about responsibility

How does one know how to be
responsible?
Is it anything like being
respectable?
I will seek more response
and respect ability

I am between a rock and a hard place. I am faced with deciding whether I want to fish or learn how to fish in hopes that I might teach others how to do the same.

         The scene is being set for a new way of looking at life. I am deciding that I care enough to want to be a friend. The decision to be responsible was a trickier consideration. After all in my own mind I could very easily think of myself as a victim. I was abused and cast out and was faced with living in a place with crazies until I got a diploma to get out. I was internally enraged that I was put in this position by God or whoever it was. I had been going to college and getting good grades. I came home on occasion to get my laundry done, eat home cooked food and know that all my bills were taking care of. I am thrust into a new way of thinking and being. There is no looking back.

         There are a lot of real cool things that come with being responsible. I get to listen to other people, knowing that I am safe as long as I do not cross lines. I will give one example. I am staying at the residence and immediately am aware of a female who has just married another male attendee. I have been learning that she has a reputation. I am too naïve to figure out what this means. She barges into my room one day(this married woman).Her name I will call Eleanor. Eleanor comes up to me and without any clear warning she starts wrestling with me. I have never had this kind of experience before. She finds a way to get on top of me and for the first time I can remember I have this wild compulsion to let loose of something in my genitals. I find the energy to get her off. I was always told not to mess with girls when I grew up. Now I know why and I know why she is said to have a reputation. I wonder if her husband knows. I am learning to be responsible with my sexuality. It is hard work.

         There is so much more to learn. I am in charge of taking my medicines, am becoming aware that I am responsible for paying bills, getting a job, fixing meals in rotation and doing chores as assigned. I did not even know I could cook a chicken until I came to Sun house and it felt good to know I could learn to do that. I learn that part of being responsible is taking care of my health and appointments related to taking care of myself. Before I get a job I sign up for a chance to learn how to work in a cafeteria environment while I am in transitional mental health center. I look into school and consult with others on how I could do the best job. I was tickled by the fact I was autonomous for what seemed like the first time in my life. I no longer felt the blame or ashamed for everything that happened around me.

         In the course of realizing I was not the blame, I discovered that there was a me that was worth getting to know. I listened to jazz, solved inductive puzzles with other residents, went on field trips and wrestled around with others. It was fun to think for oneself philosophically and in those days I smoked a pipe which was another way of being my own person. I no longer was caught in the world of mental illness. It was becoming a smaller and smaller part of who I was. During my time there I finally got my driver's license and my first job after an interview at Burger King. There was one time that all this taking of responsibility went to my head. There was a sense of entitlement. After all look what I was able to overcome.
         One of my reasons for being at Sun House was to learn I was part of a team. I had chores to do and I decided one day to buck the system. After all wasn't I getting somewhere others were not. Most of the residents and persons at the day center were going on social security. Look at me. The managers were not impressed when I refused silently not to do my chores. I could almost, but not quite make everyone think I forgot. I met with them behind closed doors. We just looked at each other and then I laughed. I could not keep the silence any longer. I knew that I was in the wrong. They held me accountable. I got back on track and soon after was being prepped for independent living. Being responsible let a person know that a friend needed to be trusted. I was far away from trusting persons to be a friend, but I was getting there.