Witness to Withness

Introduction: What is the meaning of "Withness"?

Genesis 2:18 "God said that it is not good for man to be alone."

Cast out on an island of aloneness
does anybody care?
Is anyone aware?
Or am I doomed to live a life alone

The director of a chaplain program and so many others since have asked me, what does "Withness" mean. Before I begin to write I guess I have some explaining to do.

          In the course of events any one of us can be cast onto an island of aloneness. At times it is our own doing and at other times because of action that others take. More often than not a combination of both. I was in my isolated predicament, because two people were confused and did not what to do. I am honestly not sure if I would have done the same. These people were my Mom and Dad. Mom was getting ready to have a baby. Dad had to work more hours to help support a new addition to the family and then there was me. I was within a few weeks of resuming my ministerial studies at Eastern Nazarene College and was worried about meeting up with a woman who had been an observer of my descent into becoming mentally ill. I had trouble sleeping I wandered without knowing where to go. I needed someone to talk to. Unfortunately that never quite happened.

          Mom and Dad decided that I needed to visit with a counselor at the Mental health center nearby. There was no place that was available to give respite care. Mom and dad did not feel comfortable having me stay at home. So it was decided that I would go to a State Hospital with the thought that I might stay for a bit and then determine soon after that it would be okay to go home. I was twenty three, certainly old enough to make my own decisions, but there was a catch. I felt sorry for my mom and dad. My mom had dreams for me that seemed like they were crashing to the shore. I was the oldest of eight. I was the leader of the pack, intelligent, spiritual (I had given a sermon at church a few years before the onset of my illness), a person with promise, someone called of God to be a minister. In my family of origin this meant I was going to be someone special. Now this dream had been dissembled. Once I was put in the hospital they put a label on me, otherwise how could they justify my reason for being there. Things went downhill from there. I was thrust into a world where it was decided by the authority that I was crazy. That meant my dream of going back to college was aborted. I tried to talk to my psychiatrist Dr. Fleming and he would have nothing to do with me. I called minister friends they would have nothing to do with me, I tried to make some connections with family and I can imagine for any number of reasons I was cast onto an island of emotional abandonment. I had announced to any number of people that I was called to be a preacher and now this...Soon I began to give up. This was my new home whether I like it or not and because people labelled me as crazy I started to act crazy.

          That could have been the end of my ministerial dream. I felt cast aside as if I was so much trash. I was wandering around the hospital and found a room with no one in it. My guess is that it had been a former arts and crafts room, for whatever reason no longer in use. I felt called to this place. I entered feeling hopeless. I had heard more than once that I would never get out of this hospital. I was committed for life. And I had no reason to believe differently. I drew some picture, mostly of a religious nature. As I did this I felt a glimmer of hope. I had given up and yet GOD had not given up on me. God wanted to be with me passionately despite my own thought was alone and no one wanted to be with me. That was the key insight that leads to things beginning to clear up inside me. And then as if that was not enough this same presence of God was telling me to write a book/story: "Witness to Withness". Now you need to remember there were still a lot of people that thought I was not playing with a full deck. There was no one that I could share this with, so that I kept this as secret deciding to share it when the time was right. I guess more than anything else it shares of a journey to mental wellness. God said it is not good to be alone. I had to decide for myself that this was true. I was no longer consumed with feeling like I was a victim and never getting out of the State hospital. I wanted to know what it meant to be with God and for God to be with me. That was the secret to getting back hope. God was calling me back into a relationship with myself, others, God and the world. I knew what it meant to be alone now I was invited to know what it meant to know withness. And at the right time share with others what this meant for me and what it might mean for others who are alone and near giving up.


Note:
Points of Redemption will be sprinkled throughout my writing, for the ways that I am learning to take care of my "self" can lead others to more adequately care for themselves. I am not alone in the search to be all that God would like me to be. Growing up I heard all the sermons about not being self centered and the need to be an empty vessel. I was stained with shame and thoughts of self-destruction, because I never was good enough. The "others" were so much better and would have nothing to do with me. I have learned and am learning as it says in the bible you need to love your neighbor as yourself {/I/. I can not do anyone any good if I settle for merely being an empty vessel. I am glad You too are with me. WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE ALONE!!