Blog: Dear Bruce

I thought I had known grief

December 31, 2015

Honestly I don't know why I am writing this except I have to do something. I thought I'd experienced grief, sadness, helplessness...I was wrong until today.

My husband had a stroke shortly after I left home this morning and lay helpless on the floor for hours until I asked my dad to check on him when I found out he hadn't showed up for work and wasn't answering my calls or texts.

How does this happen? Why? I know I'm not supposed to question why but right now I fucking want to know why! We just found each other again. We held our heads high and stayed strong through 11 kidney surgeries in 10 months. It was our turn.

We were laughing and being silly before my son and I left. Making jokes no one else would think were funny. Now I sit outside the ICU trying to comprehend this grief while the nurses change shifts...Trying to put it in its place...wrap it up with unused Christmas paper and store it away.

I pray. I beg others for prayers. The tears still come. The pleading of please let this be a dream. Childish wishes but yet I grasp on to it with hope.

Please God, don't take him. Please I will be a better wife, a better person, I will appreciate what I have. Please God, you've given me so many miracles, one of which was the love of Bruce. Please with the rawest of feelings and desperation and fear, please heal him and give me the strength to be what he and everyone needs. I'm not asking not to feel. If this is what you need from me I shall bear it, just please touch my husband and make him heal... This fear literally grips my heart. Please God, please.