A Book Nerd's Inner Voices

Unexpected Happenings

Life is never what we expect it to be. If it was, let’s face it: we’d all be bored. Every chance we take, every decision we make (no, I’m not singing a Police song–though I did create a story about one once) can shape the rest of our lives.





A few years ago, I was in an unhappy marriage. That was really all there was to it: we didn’t get along and we were not happy. No cheating, no huge betrayal. Just enough. But before I finally got brave enough to walk away, I found myself sitting on my best friend’s couch, day dreaming about what my life would have been like if I had done things differently.





I wouldn’t have partied in high school. I would have worked as hard my sophomore and junior years as I worked my freshman and senior years and I would have gotten a scholarship to SOU.





I wouldn’t have let my grief consume me and given in to melancholy and peer pressure in college. I would have gone to class. I would have studied the entire year the way I studied first term. I would have lived in the library rather than with friends. I would have studied abroad and travelled to Greece my junior year and Ireland my senior year as I had always planned. I would have majored in English Literature with a minor in Creative Writing–not to be a teacher as I kept telling myself was the practical thing to do–but to be a writer–which is what my soul told me I was meant to do.





I would have joined the Peace Corps. I would have gotten my Masters Degree in Creative Writing. I would have focused on me and my goals rather than get wrapped up in a boy who ultimately broke my heart; shattered it into a thousand pieces.





I would have left my worst memory–my high school boyfriend–in the past.





I wouldn’t have been so afraid to try new things.





I never would have gone back to my ex. That was the big one. He was the husband I had nothing in common with–truthfully, didn’t even love anymore. He was the biggest decision I would take back. And sitting on the couch that day, seeing the pity and the sorrow in my friend’s eyes, I almost believed that had I done that one thing differently, my life would be better.





Rest assured, I no longer think that.





The truth? My life would be different. Not better or worse, but different.





Had I stayed away from the boy in high school, I wouldn’t have been so hurt, so damaged. I would have kept the confidence I let him take from me, the innocence to the pain this world is so full of. I wouldn’t have been my first statistic. But I also wouldn’t be as strong as I am now, even when I want to break. I wouldn’t know that it was me that let him destroy me, and while I will never take responsibility for his actions, it was me who didn’t walk away, me who let him hurt me. And me who will never be a victim again.





Had I not drank in high school, not gone to parties, I would never have met that boy. Had I not dated that boy, I would never have had that pain. Had I not had that pain, or the issues with my parents I’m still dealing with, or the grief from my Grandpa’s illness, I would not have been out on that ledge that night, would not have caught the eye of an incredible, intoxicated boy. And had I not met that boy, my heart would never have shattered.





But had I not met that boy, I might not have believed in me. He did. I might not have known I could pick myself up from anything. He did. I might not have realized that I deserved better. He did. Had I not met that boy, I would have missed out on one of the best people I’ve ever known and –albeit, in a warped way–one of the best things to ever have happened to me. I would never have had that friend, that one person, who knew me in ways I didn’t even know myself and could sing my song back to me when I forgot the words. We no longer speak, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not grateful for him and what he gave me.





On the flip side, if it weren’t for that boy–and all the other issues I had at eighteen–I might have stayed in school and finished my degree. I might have gone back. And I might have two degrees and a few more life experiences behind me. But I didn’t. I went back home, I enrolled at the community college and I tried to fit back into the life I had left behind in the first place.





And then I met the man who would be my husband. The first time we dated it was only for nine months before I broke it off. The question I have been asked so many times the last couple years was not why did I get married, or why did I wait so long to leave (though I was asked those, too) but why did I go back? The truth is, I don’t really know. Part of me thinks I was still hurting over the love I had in college, though by then it had been nearly two years. But really, I still don’t know why. But that doesn’t change the fact that I did go back. And because I did, it could be argued that I wasted six years of my life.





But I also gained the absolute best thing in my entire world, hands down. Without my ex-husband, regardless of what I think of him now, I wouldn’t have my daughter. And I would never, ever give up my little girl. Not even for a different life.





And, as luck would have it, I have a man I love and respect more than words. One who gets me in ways nobody has gotten me in years. One who is there for me, to make me laugh (or aggravate me) to let me know when I have crossed the line and encourage me to follow my dreams. A man who is not just my love, but my best friend. A man whom I turn to for advice, or knowledge, or just a hand to hold. And without my past, I may not have had him either. Without his, he may not have had me.





So we can all dream of the fairy tale. We can all believe that life is somehow going to end with a happily ever after and that one day our dream come true with enter our lives and sweep us off our feet. Or, that because of our poor decisions, our happily ever after may never come. But life isn’t so black and white. It isn’t the expected that makes our lives so meaningful. It isn’t the grand gestures or the fancy things or big careers. It isn’t the money or prestige or anything like that that truly makes a life well-lived.





It’s the little things.





It’s the choices we make, the reactions to we have, and what we do with the curve balls and frickin grenades the universe throws at us. We never know what good could come out of a decision someone else might think is bad and we should be grateful we get to live at all. So expect the unexpected. Try something new. Revel in a sunrise, jump off a waterfall. Ask that girl out. Say yes to that guy. Take that job–or quit the one you hate. Embark on that adventure and be thankful that you’re alive.





I’m a firm believer that life is not a fairy tale and that love does not exist the way it does in novels. Fairy dust and happy thoughts don’t make you fly and losing your shoe at midnight probably means you’re drunk. But I also believe that the best situations can come from the worst and that you can’t have a rainbow without the rain.





And hey, even Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and a dress.