Alternate Worlds Explored Archive b/j

commissioned review

I've read your chapter eight titled Echo.

Tula's story is a good story, now you will want to write her story well. The tools you will need to develop involves changing telling the story into sharing Tula's internal journey and showing her story. This manuscript is a very good foundation and will lend itself to easy enhancement. You basically have events, characters, dialogue, and story evolution outlined. However, Tula's story in this chapter needs more showing through internal perspective, or said in another way, description of feelings in each interaction.

You start by transitioning from chapter seven into chapter eight with a two word sentence.

Time passes.

How does the time pass? Help the reader visualize the time passing. Is Tula looking at herself and noticing the differences, the subtle psychic changes, that are evolving within her? How does this feel? Is she welcoming her new found "independence" or struggling to accept the responsibilities such independence imposes? How scared is she that she dares to let go of the abuses of her past and if she isn't terrified, she should be for stepping into the skin of a part of herself she "avoided" all her life until now...

At this time, your story is flat, lacks depth, basically because the reader is told the story through narration. Time passes. This is a narration.

Here is an example of creating depth through showing more of Tula's internal perspective.

There were days when Tula felt the strength of her growing independence. During these days, time passed quickly with confidence and a sense of peace akin to the closest thing to joy, she'd ever experienced up to this point in her life.

This is an example of showing Tula's internal world as time passes. This is of course my depiction of Tula's internal world...

You can actually spend several paragraphs inside Tula's inner world just on answering how time passes for her. All these internal perceptions would then support how she is growing stronger. How she is stepping away from her dependence upon the abuser's perspective for what the world holds for her. She is stepping into the unknown without the support of all her emotional crutches as supplied by her abuser and those who enabled her into victimization; and this is potentially very scary; even though those crutches brought about the pain of abuse. She needs to evolve from no to low self esteem, to realizing with a moment of epiphany that she is actually stronger than she had realized. She can be told this by an outside source, but the epiphany will only happen when she believes, the moment she believes, that she is stronger within herself than she had ever dared admit to herself. She can hear from advocates that she is stronger, but she won't believe she has a strong spirit until she reaches an emotional tipping point. Someone who hasn't been abused can never understand fully why a person can't see how strong they really are. But, they can witness the evolution of the person as they begin to believe their own strength after being told over and over and over again. The advocate will witness that moment of epiphany and see the energy change from fearful or unsure to genuine bravery and positive action. Tula's external confusions will disappear as she develops independent self confidence.

Another example changing telling (narration) into showing.

Last two sentences of paragraph three:
Her eyes are hazel and her nose has been broken more than once. She is quite attractive and a little tough looking.

After stating that the woman's nose has been broken "more than once;" you then say she is "quite attractive..."

My question was, Why?

First off, instead of telling me, the reader, that the woman's nose has been broken, describe her nose...for instance, how many kinks are in the crooked nose that would indicate it had been broken more than once? When looking at it straight on, does it zig and zag like a lightning bolt? Or, from midway the nose tends to turn toward the right cheek but the tip is leaning to the right?

Or is the nose actually flattened unnaturally as well as kinked (like a boxer who gets hit in the face alot). Describe the nose and then explain why this woman is still quite attractive. Don't "TELL" me, show me by having Tula react to what she sees.

How do I "show" and not "tell," you ask? You use "active" subject/verbs. An example:

Yula's gaze is drawn to the woman's nose. (Next use description with metaphore to strengthen the image). {This can be more than one sentence}. Tula smiled at the woman, feeling drawn to her rugged toughness and thinking how the badge of past hurts actually enhanced the woman's attractiveness....She wonders about her past.

Another point: you are writing in present tense which is a bit awkward. Present tense tends to entrap the writer into telling the story. You must break the ease of falling into telling by placing the reader into the head and heart of Tula. You can stay in present tense, but be aware and change from the "telling" trap into showing the images, feeings, thoughts, and actions. You do this by questioning everything and then answering the questions through Tula's experience.

Lastly, I haven't read the previous chapters of your story. I will take a leap and assume the rest of your story is "told" in the same way as your last chapter. Take this moment to smile and feel the value of friendly advise. I refuse to criticize your manuscript. I think of this as one of your first drafts and an in depth outline to the telling of a powerful journey from the depths of abusive victimization into self growth and a life of independent victory. Now all you need do to polish this manuscript is to strengthen the reader's awareness of Tula as a real person by using the tools of "showing" her journey and allowing the reader to "feel" Tula's story.
Remember...

Use added description, perspective, active verbs, metaphores, and voice to change your manuscript from telling to showing your story.



Take care and may your road lead to only good places.

Deb

I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.

** Image ID #1360707 Unavailable **

Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.




Take care and may your road lead to only good places.

Deb

I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.

http://www.fiverr.com/debora_reads

** Image ID #1360707 Unavailable **

Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.