Thoughts & Things

Sick and Tired

I've gotten rather sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think anyone would eventually. I can't sleep when I want to, I can't stay awake when I want to, and I feel exhausted whether I got 14 hours of sleep or four hours of sleep. Everything hurts, and I don't even fully know what's wrong with me.

I have all sorts of referrals and tests coming up, and I am mentally processing how to handle them. I have an appointment on Tuesday to follow up on my abdominal ultrasound. I frankly don't know what she was checking for with that one. I have an EEG later this month to see if I have epilepsy. I have an appointment with ortho in November to deal with my dystrophic calcification (which she initially thought was gout due to it being in my toe, and I was pretty worried I was turning into an old man). I have an appointment in December for an MRI, which relates back to the EEG. I have a very attractive neurologist who has ordered both the MRI and EEG to make sure I don't have anything going on in my head. My doctor has also ordered a sleep clinic referral, but I haven't even received the appointment for that one yet.

Currently I am on sick leave. It is both restful and exhausting. It's nice in some ways. I write far more than I normally have time for, I am getting through my netflix backlog of TV shows to binge (so far I have finished both Stranger Things and Jessica Jones, highly recommend both), and I get extra time with my boyfriend (which is amazing). I sleep a lot. I am tired of sleeping through things I want to be up for, and not being able to sleep at half four in the morning. I don't feel very productive in life, so I write more to feel that sense of purpose. It helps some. I miss having money. I am not a big spender when it comes to myself, but I spoil my loved ones because they deserve it. Not working means I can't spoil them, and being sick makes me feel like I am burdening them on top of that.

I have had health problems of various degrees for years, but this is different. I worry that I am dying, and I worry that I'm crazy. I don't know which one to hope for some days. I can hope for a chemical imbalance, or something along those lines. Something easy to fix.

I just want to be healthy again. For myself mostly, but for the people I love too.