Frayed Feisty Threads - Book IV

Parenting 201 --- 9/16/1992

         Are you feeling like the proverbial dinosaur, lumbering around in a strange world? Are you thinking you may outlive your usefulness, become extinct? Welcome to the world of parenting a teenager. You are advised to fasten your seat belt and hold tight; the ride is guaranteed to be anything but smooth!
         The whispers, giggles and hushed phone conversations are a strong signal that you are entering this transition period. These signals also tell you that you are treading on their domain. Never mind that you are their sole supporter, the person responsible for providing food, clothing, shelter, transportation and money for the bills. Practically overnight (or so it seems) their rights to privacy, the family car, money and instant gratification supersede any rights you may think you have.
         Today’s teenager comes equipped with more than budding hormonal changes. The teen of the ‘90s has discovered the wilting effect of sarcasm which she practices – often! The ability to distinguish between peer and parent begins to blur. Anything is acceptable in any social situation; she is entitled. After all, the world owes her its best – she is a teenager!
         As an adolescent, she has a few unique methods of functioning. The evocative E’s are among her favored operational methods. These are engagement, entrapment and endangerment. The last is clearly pertinent to the survival of the species known as “parent”.
         Engagement is defined by Webster as “the ability to attract and hold, also to cause to participate”. This is a technique that is frequently employed and a trap that is easily missed. It usually starts something like, “Mom! Guess what?”, complete with bouncing affect, smiles and Christmas morning excitement radiating in every direction.
         Smiling and pleased to be communication about something, the parent readily mirror’s the child’s enthusiasm. It is classic fatal attraction. Once the parent is engaged, the teen moves quickly.
         “You know those GERBO jeans I’ve been dying to have, the ones you told me were too expensive? Well, (long drawn out exclamation followed by dramatic pause), they are on sale, for only forty-eight dollars! And guess what? I’ve been working, well you know that, (acknowledgement of some parental intelligence), and saving my money, just like you told me. And I almost have enough, (why does every sentence start with and??), but, (WATCH OUT!), I’m about twenty-five dollars short and I thought you would lend it to me. (Here is the classic pitch that every car salesperson was born saying), because these jeans probably won’t go on sale again!! Besides, Mom, everyone has them but me! Please?” By the end of this interaction, you know that Ford is missing the mark; hire a few teenage salespeople and watch General Motors take over the car industry again!
         Webster defines entrapment as “catching someone in a trap, getting someone in trouble by tricking him”. You look thoughtfully at those big, bright blue eyes and that smiling face. Well, you can squeeze out a few extra dollars this week, right? She has you. Engaged and entrapped in ten minutes or less. You have been caught in the jaws of irresistible childhood charm in adolescent form and you were cleverly tricked into an unplanned expense. You are not sure how you are in trouble? You are not; your budget is.
         Endangered is now clearly defined. It is what you are as a parent if you do not learn to detect and cope with engagement and entrapment – a lost species! Once you learn to recognize this pattern of subtle manipulation, you are better equipped to handle it. This always sounds great in the self-help books. In the vernacular of today – NOT! What shield of armor can you bring to defend yourself against a relentless assault on your expenses and your reserve? Why a sense of humor, of course.
         There’s the knee-slapping variety that goes something like this, “Ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha! I thought I hear you asking for money! That’s a good one! Ho, ho!”, expressed while bending double and laughing for all you are worth. This technique elicits dead-pan stares, elicited by murderous looks and a leveling sarcastic response, “You think that’s funny?”
         The feigned surprise technique is another approach. How about, “You have to be kidding. You are joking, right?”, smiling and looking for all the world like you are waiting for the punch line. (Be prepared to duck!)
         Then there is my personal favorite – agreement with exception, “Oh, sure I’d love to lend you twenty-five dollars, after I pay the light bill, the phone bill, the water bill, the taxes. Did I mention that we need a new car?”, stated while smiling brightly and trying not to drip sarcasm yourself. If your list of debts is long enough, you should soon hear a deep sigh followed by the standard wail, “I don’t know why I even bother to ask; you never let me get anything!”, as the teenager stomps to her room, bored or resigned. (Hint: this is not a good time to remind her of the three hundred dollars she depleted from your budget for school clothes last month.) Regardless, you just saved twenty-five dollars and your sanity, for the moment.
         A state of readiness is desirable since engagement and entrapment, better known as whining and manipulation will appear again without warning. Be on the alert for those moments when you are not quite awake, are waiting for your morning coffee or are in the shower. You may find your mumbled “Maybe” taken as agreement on a range of subjects, all of which you vowed to never give your consent. Above all, don’t sign any papers in your sleep. When the real estate broker arrives later that day to appraise your house, you know it was not school information papers you signed! (Have you checked the signature on your deed lately?)
         Now that you have successfully armed yourself with a solid sense of humor, you are ready to tackle a more difficult area – the wilting effect of sarcasm: “What do you mean I have to do chores? Let’s see you do something besides imitate a parent!” Now this is when your sense of humor may falter as your rising anger intervenes, clouding your vision, allowing you to forget that the individual who looks, acts and speaks in adult fashion has only experienced sixteen years of life on this planet. You do want her to have the pleasure of more, right? Right? Hey, get a grip!!
         While you grapple with your impulse to escort your offspring into the middle of next week, consider some viable alternatives. Perhaps a one-way ticket to the Andes mountains, Antarctica, or immediate enlistment in the Peace Corps can be offered as options to taking out the trash. A simple “Humor me, so I remember what it is like to be a parent; at my age, the memory is starting to slide,” may temporarily sidetrack your teenager and restore some balance to your life. Caution! Use of this self-deprecating humorous technique may invite other insulting comments from your insensitive adolescent. Above all, try to resist the temptation to snap back in equally sarcastic tones, “Get a life and let me know when you have found it!”
         Retaining a sense of humor is the best defense available for this highly orchestrated adolescent offense. It is hoped that you will laugh together as you look back on these turbulent years someday. Let me reassure you, it is possible. Remember, today our parents are reminiscing about their struggles and laughing. We may still be parents and people, not dinosaurs. Just in case, would anyone know where I can find a tree with good leafy branches for lunch?

tuc
9/16/1992

{dropnote:"Note"}This was an assignment for English 30 at Penn State University./dropnote}