Cat Tales: Miscellany and Mischief

January 11 (30DBC)

30DBC January 11 Prompt: Vincent Van Gogh said, "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." What is your 'you cannot ____' voice always ragging on you about, and how good are you at silencing it?

My little voice is, oddly enough, telling me I suck at being my own boss. I've been struggling, especially since the holidays, to get back on track with doing a schedule, sticking to it, and producing any sort of decent writing that's going to get me another book within the next 18 months. Added to that, I just recently found out I'm expecting, and the hunger/tiredness/bloating/cramping/mood swings (although they're not terrible) are just constant little reminders that (and I hate to say this)--I'm running out of time.

I don't mean that in a bad way. It just means I only have about 9 more months before my role is something completely different, and writing won't be my 'baby' anymore. I'll have an actual baby who would rather drool all over my journals than help me write in them. And that's totally awesome. I'm super pumped to have this kid. But it does mean priorities will be changing, I'll have to tear down the office to make room for a crib, and writing will become more of a struggle than it already is.

I think in some ways that'll make it better. I'll produce more good-quality writing because I'll have to write whenever I get the chance. Whether it's 3 AM and I'm scribbling something around my nursing baby, or 4 PM and I desperately want a nap but I just have to get this paragraph down. I'll have to write when I can because if I don't, I'll never write again. And THERE'S a thought that scares me.

Anyway, back to the original point. My sucking at being my own boss. It's true. I'm extremely lazy. I constantly have to talk myself into doing things, or downright kick myself in the behind. And whenever my "perfect schedule" is screwed up in any way, I feel like I've failed for the day, no matter what I might have actually accomplished. That naggy voice is notorious for saying, "Well, you're two hours late getting to your office because you just HAD to take a nap/do some chores/screw around on Facebook. Now how are you gonna redeem yourself? Just forget it. You've wasted too much time." And I might still very well have a good hour or so to write, but I already feel so horrible that I just sit there and waste time on the internet, or I tell myself, "It'll take too long to figure out where you left off with your writing, so by the time you get into it, you won't have any more time left to write." And then I make the resolution to get in the office earlier the next day but it never happens. So the cycle continues.

I do actually do a lot during the day. I get on here, post my blog, sometimes write an entry or do a review. I do a bunch of laundry, typically. I make the bed and get a couple chores done, such as vacuuming and whatnot. I make phone calls, answer emails, and at night (after supper) I transcribe whatever my quota is (or until I can't find any more good jobs). But in between, in the couple hours I could have scrounged up to write something, I'm usually on Facebook or just rambling into a journal entry (which isn't BAD, but I want to do more of my fiction writing during the day). I feel the worst when I let the internet take over my time. That's one I find it VERY difficult to recover from.

As you can probably tell, I'm not so good at silencing the voice. I'm trying, especially now that I'm preparing to have a child in the house, to be content with what I can accomplish in each day. I'm trying to find the balance between kicking myself too hard and being lazy. On the one hand, I don't want to just do nothing, or do very little. On the other hand, I don't want to set ridiculously high expectations for myself and keep feeding that nagging voice. Balance is a hard thing to get right, and patience is key. Patience is something I don't have very much of, though.

For now, I'm making smaller lists and making it a point not to be sitting for too long. It's good for my health, and it gets me up and around the house to check laundry, EAT, drink water, stretch, and refresh my mind. Sometimes that's all I need to kickstart my drive to get some work done.

AlyCatAuthor