Memories of Snow

May 6, 2014

Cease the Day! This is something I need to do every morning. I wake up when the alarm sounds and then ignore the alarm. This morning I didn't get up until after 5:00 am. I took my thyroid meds, did my other morning stuff, said a prayer, and started writing; as a results I didn't go to the laundromat. I did leave the house to take out a bag of trash, but that's about it. I haven't gone to the mail box to pick up today's mail if I received any.

I haven't gone to the gym in a couple of weeks. I haven't did anything except go to the bank and the grocery store. Yesterday, I rechecked the poetry book I got at the library, but I did that on-line. I'm using excuses to procrastinate and put off what I need to do today; all though in this case I'll have to do it tomorrow.

The only thing I seem motivated to do is write and sometimes I think I'm using that as an excuse not to do other things. I will say this that yesterday I got the cookware washed so now all I have to do is season it and I'll have something to cook in; I won't have to use the microwave any more. I think that may be a problem because I've used a microwave so long to cook in that I'm afraid to attempt cooking so on something else; especially with the new cookware.

I'll have to get up in a few minutes and finish today's dishes. I have the dishes soaking in the sink waiting for me to finish what I'm writing to do them. My grandmother never let dishes sit like that, but this is something I've did all my life and I don't know how to break the habit. I'm using the excuse of my standing difficulties to prevent me from doing the dishes. I'm using all sorts of excuses to keep from doing what I know I need and have to do.

I don't know what my problems is or maybe I do and I don't want to admit it. I have problems with fantasizing. I want to live in a fantasy world rather then the real world and it's getting to be a pain and... well not exactly a bore... but painful. I fantasize rather then doing other things. I event catch myself fantasizing when I take the trash out. Of course, I have to watch my step when I go to the alley so that distracts the fantasies to an extent. Maybe I should just write my fantasies down in a book they might make a good fantasy or science fiction novel.

I'm so tired of the Maladaptive Daydreaming that I don't know what to do. Maybe the only thing I can do is pray. I know there is a prayer in my prayer book for this problem; perhaps it doesn't say it's for MD, but it does refer to vain imaginings and I suspect that's what I'm experiencing. I also think I need to start saying the prayer of protection revealed by the Bab, the one that protects a person from everything around them.

I got out of the habit of prayer and now it's difficult to get back in. I need to just make myself say the prayer each morning instead of lying in bed fantasizing. There are a lot of things I have to make myself do because I won't do them unless I stand up to my insistent self, my ego, and do what I have to do even though I'm afraid to do it.

I have to decide what I'm going to do tomorrow morning. Do I go to the Farmer's Market or do I go to the exercise class. I know that normally I could make it to both, but since I haven't gotten the laundry done and the clothes are in the cart waiting for me to take them to the laundromat.

Speaking of the laundromat, I talked to bill this morning and he brought up me not being close to them. I know he's attempting to push me into moving to Searchlight. If I move to Searchlight, I'll be away from my Baha'i family and I don't think I would like that. Plus I don't think I could stand being in the same town with Faye and Bill and having t o deal with them everyday. The only thing Faye and I have in common is a genetic code and nothing else.