Selah // Something Witty

Too much talk and not much to see.

Date: 02.22.17 -- Day 19
Music: "Don't Wish Me Well" / Solange

If there was an album that captured my mind in 2016, A Seat At The Table did just that. It was the right album, at the absolutely right time, and it was exactly what I needed without knowing I needed it. It is such beautiful imagery. Elegant, righteous anger. Smooth harmonies, both classic and experimental. And the interviews interspersed were a fine touch to a haunting truth. I would definitely recommend to anyone who likes Neo-Soul.

There are a few entries that I've written but kept under the private setting. My hope is to make them public soon. It's just been a weird month that's taken so much from me, yet nothing has really happened to me. It seems like I'm moving through the days with invisible weights dragging behind me. And the things I've written seem too raw to release. I keep wanting to put distance between the words and myself as if that will make them somehow less real. Mostly, my brain is just scattered, seemingly shattered into tiny little pieces. How does a person gather all of those fragments and put them together?

In this new reality, particularly this current political climate, trying to keep my head above water seems like a full-time job. Part of my work is helping others navigate higher education while working through various systems of oppression. It was a difficult process before, especially trying to get individuals as well as administrations interested in students that are constantly overlooked. It was daunting. And now, with 45 and his cabinet, that job has become damn near impossible. Trying to keep hope alive for the students I serve when I'm terrified myself is a juggling act I'm not sure I'm balancing well, and it hurts me to the core that I don't think I'm strong enough for them. These are strong students, academically and mentally, with loads of responsibilities and hardships who are just trying to live in an environment that would rather see us burn than thrive. Would rather see us locked up, kicked out, ground into the dirt, and utterly destroyed than as equals or just people. And we feel it. With each new day, with each new tweet, with each new press release. We feel that fear as more and more gets striped away. I don't know how to keep how to quell the panic because our fears are real. But I'll be damned before I stop trying to protect them; I just wish I could do more. I wish I could stop what happens next.

There are times when I feel unbelievably stretched beyond the confines of my own skin, pulled in a thousand directions, not sure if I can go further or if I will simply be torn apart. I look to my elders, my mentors, my people and try to draw strength from their example. There is a phrase I try recall every time I feel my heart start to break -- "I am, because we are". There are so many people who helped me get this far. So many sacrifices made. So many lives lost. So many dreams pushed aside to make things better for the next generation. I can only imagine they had moments just like this, where everything seemed to be too much, yet they continued to move forward. In the face of that, I can only do the same.