Everyday Canvas

Anger and Shame Can Go Together

Prompt: Do you think that shame can be a trigger for anger? How?

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I think it could be, although it may not be detectable as some people direct the anger inward compared to those who show it outwardly.

Anger due to shame is possible because shame involves a negative look at oneself either from the point of being judged or from the point of judging oneself. In either case, the feeling is uncomfortable, and anger surfaces as the result of this discomfort.

Everyone may feel shame sometimes, but it may not overwhelming or toxic, usually. When shame is magnified, however, the energy to protect oneself may easily exhibit itself as anger.

It gets even worse when a person experiences shame in his or her whole being, rather than when the shame is focused on a certain aspect or behavior. It is important for grownups and all people not to blame or embarrass a kid or any other person as a whole, on account of one specific behavior. For example, "You just tripped over that thing on the floor" is addressing a specific aspect, whereas "You're so clumsy. You always trip over things," involves a whole being.

Toxic shame may be created as the result of neglect or physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, too. In such cases, anger may turn inward or burst out suddenly wrapping itself around the person’s entire being or show up as unhealthy perfectionism or being argumentative and controlling. In extreme cases, the angry person can become destructive and a threat to others.